In an instant

In an instant.

That’s how long it takes for our lives to be completely thrown upside down. That’s how long it takes for our reality to become a not so pleasant place. Through the darkness however, there is light – always. I have learned this the hard way. And I have learned that though we cannot control the traumatic things that happen to us, we can control our minds and how we allow those events to shape us as human beings.

Today has been a really hard day on both Perry and I. He received news that one of his close friends had passed away suddenly. Seeing Perry emotionally distraught was harder than I ever imagined it would be. He idolized this woman and spoke highly of her on every occasion. I personally did not get the opportunity to meet her. But although I didn’t know her, seeing Perry in pain triggered something in me that was dark and dangerous. Something I didn’t like. It is death, and death is never easy. And though I don’t like to make excuses for my behavior, being someone with a disease and having to face death in the possible near future just makes things that much more difficult.

I am about to give you two scenario’s. The first; what I did. The second; what I should have done.

Perry received the call that she had passed away. Right away, BAM! I let my fear of death take over and completely blinded myself to the pain my partner was feeling. I actually remember the first thing I thought was, ‘if this is how he’s reacting to a friend, he will be a mess when I die…..how can I put him through this?’ He was on his supper break from work and I was right in the middle of giving Paris a bath. Perry wasn’t gone back to work long when he called and said that a breaker had broken at the mall where he worked and the power was out so they were all heading home.
After we got home, we got a cup of tea and I was wrapping some gifts next to the tree. Perry began to tell me stories about her, and how much of a positive influence she had on his life. He shared stories about their time together and how much of a positive person she was. She always reassured him that his parents would be ok if he ever got the nerve to tell them about his sexuality. He found great strength in her.
I continued to wrap gift, sitting on the floor. It wasn’t long before I had enough and couldn’t stand talking about someone who was no longer with us any longer. My fear of the unknown paralyzed me. We remained quiet for most of the night until I noticed that Perry seemed to be in an ‘off’ mood. I immediately assumed it had something to do with me, and then I got up and went to bed. That was that.

What I should have done

Perry received the call that she had passed away. I was in the middle of giving Paris a bath and should have gotten up immediately and given him a hug and sympathize with him. Reassure him with a smile that it would all be ok. Perry has been my rock through everything; the least he deserved was this.
Perry had to head back to work, but shortly after received a phone call that the power was out in the mall so he needed to be picked up. Should have asked him how he was. But I sat silently as I couldn’t find the right thing to say. (Is there a right thing in this kind of situation?) We got home and boiled the kettle and sat to enjoy the warm liquid hitting the back of our throats after an emotional day. I began to wrap some gifts but noticed that Perry was ‘off’ and needed to talk to someone. I should have put the gift wrapping aside, got on the couch, held his hand and listened to the stories that he had to share about his late friend. I should have asked him what he would like to do for the rest of the evening; can I run you a bath, can I get you something to eat, can I put a movie on for you that you would enjoy.
Perry has a strong love of music like I do, and he seemed like he wanted to sing through his emotions. But I wanted to watch a movie. Therefore I turned the music off and started the film. I did have good intentions as the upbeat, positive nature of the movie, I thought, would have put us both in a better mind frame. But that’s not what Perry needed. I saw the signs of what he needed but ignored them with my own selfish desires.

[I know I am coming across as a real asshole, but this is helping me by sharing with you guys my imperfections and my struggles….it’s a learning lesson for me. I promise I am a pretty good boyfriend, or so he says]

As I read back over the two ways of doing things I am ashamed to see that my own fear, feelings, anxieties, anger and so forth totally blinded me to the pain that Perry was feeling. I was so caught up in my world and how this was affecting me that I failed to recognize that he was in need of my support. He needed me to love him.

This truly is a journey, ya know! I learn things everyday about myself. Sometimes its things I don’t like. But it’s when I am made aware of those things I can better myself. Its when I know what I am doing wrong I can take steps to correct the situation.

So, I went to bed. As I was laying there I thought about how shitty my life was. Had a million and one things going through my mind and then I got the idea to get up and write a blog. An angry blog about my anxieties and how life isn’t fair. A blog to draw attention to the fact that I am sick so please pity me. But before I had a chance to do that, my dear ol’ aunt Heather came online and started chatting with me. She had to bear the brunt of Hurricane Jamie who was right ready to tell the world to ‘F’ off!!! She has this way with me, it’s like I’m hypnotized. She manages to say the right things, and says the exact things that I need to hear. Knowing my tendencies the first thing she advised me was to be there for Perry, and try not to fall apart myself. I immediately in our conversation said, well what about me? I am hurting, and this is affecting me too. She helped me appreciate the fact that my fear and anxiousness over future events is clouding my vision of what I have today. I get so caught up in the future that I fail to see how it is affecting my present. Being a sick person isn’t easy and she reassured me of that but then she reminded me of one important thing;

                    “I have Cystic Fibrosis. Cystic Fibrosis does not have me.”

I have to stop allowing my fear and anxiety rule the way I am going to live right now. The reality is that we all die, one way or another. It is a part of this life. But if we allow the vision of death to blind us to the vision of life, then we will lose a lot of joy and satisfaction in this world. I do not want to become a slave to my Cystic Fibrosis and that is exactly what is happening. Just because I am getting close to getting a lung transplant, doesn’t mean the end. In fact for most people, it means a new, beautiful beginning.
She also helped me to appreciate this fact; I need to start fighting FOR my life and stop fighting against it. When we fight against things we cannot control, we are often left tired and dissatisfied. Life will be as life will be. But how we chose to react to the circumstances around us is truly how we live our lives.
I also expressed to her my fear of leaving Perry to greive after I am gone and how unfair that was to him and how I should be alone…..blah blah blah..... But a life without love is no life at all. And people who do not have CF will die, possibly young due to accidents, or unforeseen occurrences. I was attaching myself to the outcome of death, so much so that I was numb; enabling it to destroy the time I have now. Should I deny Perry the beautiful, once in a lifetime love that we share for each other all because I am afraid of the future? Of course not! But when you are struck with emotions, things seem to be exaggerated and all you need is a good friend to talk you down and reason on the issues you are facing.

So, that was my lesson for today as I am sure you all had lessons of your own. After talking to you guys I feel empowered to relax and stop letting death consume my life, as hard as that is going to be for someone who has faced death his whole life. But I have to try. Thank Aunt Heather for the wonderful advise and wisdom you share with me. I am such a blessed person to have so many people who are patient with me as I try and figure it all out!
“Let the chips fall. The future will take care of itself. You guys just take care of each other.”
~ Heather Summerhayes Cariou, author of ‘Sixtyfive Roses – A sister’s memoir’


Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francisxo

"Can you imagine that kind of love?"

A few weeks after we met...

"Can you imagine that kind of love?”

Imagine meeting someone. That someone has a life threatening illness and could literally die any day. You’re scared, you don’t know what to think or feel for that matter. You realize that this could be ‘the one’ but yet you’re afraid to feel what you feel because it could lead to you being hurt, or even worse have to live without that someone who oddly enough has never made you feel more alive. You take a risk. You press forward. You grow to love that person and see beyond their sickness and love them unconditionally and live with pain every day, wishing that you could remove the dark cloud that hovers over your lovers head and plagues them as the sun rises on each new day. You no longer care about neither the future nor the outcome, because life without that person would be worse than not have given them the chance and experience a love like no other.

Can you imagine that kind of love?
I’m lucky.

My blog has been an avenue for me to express my feelings and thoughts about life, love and living with a terminal illness. The response I have received is overwhelming! I always appear to be so strong, always ready for today’s challenges. But what people forget sometimes is that there is someone behind me cheering me on in the bleacher who often gets overlooked. That person is Perry, the love of my life! It’s easy to look at me and say, “Wow, I don’t know how he does it….living each day knowing that today could be his last day….”, but Perry is going through this journey just as well as I am. In fact, he is facing maybe even a harder battle, knowing that all the effort and time and energy he is putting into this, our relationship (which is an absolutely beautiful one at that) could all vanish at any moment. People tell me all the time how much courage it must take to live the way I do, so optimistic and outgoing. But is it not equally if not more courageous for someone to love someone in such a condition. To take on, what I feel, is such a burden? People are always calling me the hero…but Perry is my hero.

I had myself convinced after leaving my wife and having several bad relationships that I should just live and die alone. I had given up on the thought of ‘true love’ and just figured there was no fairytale for me. But then the most amazing thing happened.

I ‘met’ Perry on POF (Plenty of Fish). He messaged to me to see what I was up to. I told him, “Well, I’m in the hospital.” To which he replied, “What hospital?” I thought to myself this guy is either crazy or the Romeo that I had been praying for. I informed him that I was in the Health Science Centre and he then asked if it would be ok if he came to meet me. I panicked…. I had recently been admitted and was in no way ready for company. I was feeling like a bag of shit and just wanted to be alone. But at the same time, I couldn’t help but let my heart wonder if this was something. I already told him about my having Cystic Fibrosis and yet he still wants to meet me?! Most guys I meet and inform them about my illness run as fast as they can in the opposite direction. But this guy….well he is running right to the heart of the storm! So I agreed to let him come and meet me. I then thought, crap! I need to make myself look my best, fix my hair, actually get dressed, and freshen up. But then I had a thought. If this guy is ‘real’ and really looking for something, something that I knew could be beautiful, then he is really not going to care about how I look. He will just want to be here.

As he walked in the room, I was 112lbs, covered by a light sheet and looked like something who should be saying goodbye rather than saying hello. It was strange how well we hit it off. We talked like we had known each other for years. In fact, my physio therapist asked who my friends were, and when I informed her that we had just met, she was shocked. She said that she felt like she walked in on people who had known each other for years. After about an hour, he left. About five minutes past when he texted me, “Would you mind if I came back to see you next weekend?” J I thought, ok. This guy is definitely crazy! To want to come back and visit Casper the friendly ghost is nothing short of amazing. And come back he did! The next weekend and then the weekend after that and continued to come back to the hospital for the next 9 weeks, when he got off work for the weekends. His abnormally large heart looked beyond the IV polls and the ventilation masks and oxygen tanks. He say me. Not my CF, but who I truly was as a person. After we started to get close and both realized that this was heading somewhere and fast, I asked him why he did it. Why he came back weekend after weekend and just showed such extreme compassion. His response? “I’m not going to not be with you just because you are sick. You deserve to be loved as well as anyone else, if not more!”Romeo!?! I think I found you!

Even though I am the one going through this, Perry is the one watching me, holding my hand reminding me that all is well and that I will be ok. And even though we are both realistic and know that the end of this story may not be a happy ending, I know in my heart there is nowhere that man would rather be than by my side. The beauty in our lives is something a lot of people would not understand and the love we have for each other is something out of this world. It’s like the world stops moving when he looks me in the eyes and tells me how much he loves me. I feel like superman who can concur anything and everything that steps in my path.

Can you imagine that kind of love?

Almost a year has passed and our relationship continues to grow. We are busy planning our wedding. Something I never thought I would live to experience again is another wedding. But it’s happening. To a man whom I do not deserve. A man who reminds me what it truly means to be an inspiration. He has sacrificed a lot to be with me, even losing some close friends who don’t understand our decisions and way of life. In my opinion they are intimidated by what we have and cannot comprehend someone experiencing such happiness. He has sacrificed time, energy, resources and is willing to do anything for me. To go above and beyond what’s expected of a lover is what he has done and continues to do. He may not ever understand my gratitude I have towards him for ‘taking me on’, and learning to love me, but I plan on spending the rest of the time I do have with him showing him.

To know that I don’t have to face the future alone is something you cannot even imagine. To know that I have a soldier by my side who I know will be there no matter what is a sense of security no man can understand unless you are going through something of this nature. Perry is a source of strength to me that no needle or treatment could even give. He truly makes me believe that ‘love can move mountains’ and I am forever grateful for his love!

Dear Perry,
I know it’s not always easy, and I know I can be a challenge to live with at times. But thank-you! Never do I want you to feel like your efforts and love go unnoticed, because they are! Each new day where I have you by my side is another day I can truly say I am happy. I can only hope that I give you even a tiny fraction of that happiness. You truly are the love of my life, and without you my life would lack meaning. You give me a reason to keep fighting, keep growing and keep strong on this journey. You’re my hero. I love you boo!

Forever and always,
J
xo

So now you know that behind me is a stronger man than I ever will be. Someone who is so willing to take on this battle with me, and help me fight till the end. Someone who is willing to sacrifice his own happiness to see me smile.

Can you imagine that kind of love?

^“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.”

 ~1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

 

A hard lesson

A hard lesson

I would like to dedicate this blog entry to a dear friend of mine who has Cystic Fibrosis who will remain nameless. I pray that it may help you realize just how beautiful life can truly be.

What child or teenager wants his friends to know that he has a disease? A disease that robs you from a lot of independence and may put you at risk for being bullied or even neglected at school. Nobody wants to be considered “different” or a “freak” in this world, so letting people know that we have an illness, something that we actually have no control over, can at times be very overwhelming to deal with and most of us just choose to keep our problem to ourselves. In fact I know a couple of CF people who went through all of the school system and never told a soul they had CF, and now wish they had, as they could have used the extra support. The problem with not telling anyone is that we are more inclined to experience peer-pressure to try certain things that people with CF just shouldn’t try. Binge drinking and casual drug abuse can prove fatal to someone with the disease, a lot sooner than later.

I was very fortunate to have a mother who taught me to be open and honest about everything in life. I never kept my disease a secret and to be honest, often used it to seek attention or avoid being bullied. “Don’t pick on me, I’m the sick kid! Remember!?”
All my friends knew about my CF, and though they may not have understood what it really was to have Cystic Fibrosis, they never made me feel strange or different for having to take pills at lunch time. Or use the bathroom more than a normal human being should have to use the bathroom! But not everyone is blessed to have had such a great support system at school. To this day those girls still under estimate how easy they made it for me, and how comfortable I felt being myself in front of them. My true self. The self that had to take puffers and pills during recess and lunch. I can’t imagine having ever gotten through without the kindness of those girls.

Cystic Fibrosis is a progressive disease. What does that mean? It means the longer we live the harder it gets. The longer we live the harder it is for our lungs to operate properly. The longer we live, the higher the risk of dying. Sounds silly hey? Obviously the longer you live the closer you are to death. But ‘normal’ people’s reality is not to die before the age of 40. Cystic Fibrosis is also a disease that your longevity truly is in your own hands. It’s simple; if we don’t take proper care of ourselves, we die. We are taught this from a very young age, and we are reminded frequently when we have our quarterly check-ups with the CF team. Death is something introduced as a young as when you have CF. And sometimes it causes some CF sufferers to do crazy things.

My biggest regret in life, actually let me rephrase that as I do not believe in regrets. But what I WISH I HAD DONE DIFFERENT when I was younger was care for myself the way I was supposed to care for myself. I’ll give you an illustration. You go to Wal-Mart and you buy a bread pan. (The bread pan will symbolize the lungs of a person suffering from Cystic Fibrosis) When we are born, we have a new bread pan. No dirt, no dents, just a new bread pan. Every time we get an infection there is a certain amount of damage that occurs that we can never get back. So we take a hammer to our bread pan and infection after infection we put dents into that pan until there is no room left in the pan. That’s the nature of my disease. So every time I get the flu or a cold, another dent. Every time I hospitalized, an even bigger dent. You often hear me talk about on my Facebook page my FEV1, or my lung volume. Well, that percentage is what’s left in my bread pan. Currently mine is around the 40% area. So essentially I am using 40% of my lungs. However, daily cleansing of our lungs via physiotherapy and medications can help improve the lung function and prevent infections from occurring.
As a young teenager I didn’t want to hear talk of doing my physio or taking my pills. It was all too much for a person of my age to be doing. I had friends and other interests that I wanted to occupy my time. And rightfully so. What child wants to stay home from the dance because it won’t allow him time to care for his disease!!!

Had I cared for myself the way I should have, who knows how much better health I would be in today. I cannot worry about that. What I can worry about and do have complete control over is what I do today. I have been given a gift. A life. And my existence here is dependent on how precious I view that life and how important it is to clean out the insides of my body on a regular basis. You know what, sometimes CF is a royal pain in my ass. I do hours of therapy per day as well as take 50+ pills just to survive. BUT   I AM SURVIVING. We often times spend so much time complaining about our lot in life, that we forget to take the time and think about the blessings we have. I could have been born in a third world country when the survival rate right now for someone with CF is still 7 years old. I am able to have quality health care and a team who are 100% focused on making sure I am the healthiest I can possibly be.
So what’s my message to kids and young adults out there battling CF?
It’s this;
Don’t be an idiot. Learn from my mistakes. When you get to, (if you make it to) your mid-twenties, you will realize how much your mother was right. How she only wanted the best for you and for your life to be as long as it can possibly be. You think it’s cool to fit in with your friends and smoke weed every once in a while? Well how does sleeping inside a coffin forever sound to you? No doctor I have met yet said that that kind of behavior is acceptable to someone with CF and I challenge you to find one. If you are stubborn and fail to care for yourself now while you are young and in your prime, you will forever wish you had done things differently. I am facing death now, was it because I didn’t look after myself when I was young? Who knows. But I do know that I wish someone could have given me the slap in the face I needed to wake me up and realize that though this life sucks a lot of the time because of our having Cystic Fibrosis, this life can be beautiful. And will be if we make the right choices. So smarten up will ya!? You have a lot to offer this world. Just make sure you give the world their max time to realize it!

If someone had to have been able to show me how beautiful, wonderful and awesome my life is right now when I was younger, I would have done everything in my power during my youth to ensure that I could have just one more day. Don’t take life for granted. Be grateful for the gift of today. If you’re scared that by you taking care of yourself properly is not going to make you blend in with your friends, let the fear of dying young be a greater fear. If you are worried that taking care of yourself may rob you of a lot of the joys normal people have, let the worry that your loved ones are going to have to face not having you around.

What makes us weak, is what makes us powerful! And with the proper attention given to our illness we can not only lengthen our lives, but we can ensure that we will not die before we have to. We can ensure that we will live a full life, one filled with joy, happiness and above all, LOVE.

I hope this blog entry has awakened in you a fire to take better care of yourself. Talk to your local CF team, tell them that you are ready to make a change. They will do everything they can to help you out. But it all starts with YOU! Until next time my friends……

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ‘I will try again tomorrow’” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

I surrender

I surrender

Sometimes I feel like the biggest hypocrite when I write my blogs. I preach on here all the time how important it is to live a life of gratitude and to count your blessings and how it’s all about the little things in life. But sometimes, in the darkest moments when I am one with myself, my reality becomes unbearable and I just have to surrender to the pain of my reality.

I consider myself to be a far better person than I was in my ‘former’ life. I try to be kinder to people. I try and extend my hand whenever I can and be a good neighbor. I try and reach out to other people with CF and see how I can be of support to them in their own battles with this horrid disease. I try and be the best partner I can be to Perry, giving him all the love I can and never allowing him to feel alone in this relationship. I try so hard to be a good brother, though at times it is hard to connect with my two sisters who live miles away from me. I try and be a good son, though right now that is not going so well. I try and be a good human being, always trying to do the right thing and do onto others as I would like done on to me. And even though at times I admit, I am a hero to myself in my own little way, there are parts of me that I cannot stand. Parts of me that I wish were tiny fragile hairs on my arm that I can just pluck away in an instant.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with how things are ‘suppose’ to be. How I’m not supposed to have CF and be facing death at the young age of 25. How I don’t have the dream career any other young man would have, filled with courage and piss and vinegar. How I’ll probably never have the white picket fence that everyone dreams of as a child watching blockbuster movies that portray ‘the good life’. How I am not supposed to be a burden on the man of my dreams, both emotionally and mentally and how we are supposed to grow old together and watch each other get saggy skin. 

We as human beings have this built-in hard drive of how things are supposed to go in our lives, and if things don’t turn out the way we planned, we feel that life is being unfair, or that we must have done something wrong to deserve this ‘bad karma’. But in actual reality, are our paths here on earth predestined? I think not. And if so, why would God have given us the beautiful gift of free will? And I just don’t like to think of God as a spirit creature who would enjoy or cause someone to have Cystic Fibrosis and have to face things no man my age should ever face. But see, there it is again….who’s to say I’m not supposed to face this? Maybe this is my purpose here. Maybe I am meant to have this disease and have had the hardships I have endured to be a guiding light to people. Maybe my purpose is to be writing this blog right now so that someone somewhere may benefit from it in ways I would never imagine.

You know what, it freakin sucks to think that maybe I will never be able to be a home owner with Perry, but is that really what’s important here on this journey? Am I reaching another low in my life where I am forgetting the purpose of all this? I think maybe I am. And as the tears run down my face tonight and I prep myself for another sleepless night, I can’t help but feel ashamed of myself for feeling this way. I have been given the gift of today……a gift someone else didn’t get the privilege to enjoy. And I am going to spend it on throwing a little pity party and feel sorry for myself for my lot in life!!?? Wake the hell up Jamie Chafe. You are better than this! But at times the reality is so strong and so powerful that I just have to surrender to it, for after all I am only human. And who doesn’t want to have the opportunity to live a full and rich life. But who said a full and rich life had to consist of 70 or 80 something years. I know a lot of people who lived to be that age and did nothing with their lives. What did they do? They sat around and threw pity parties all the time for their lot in life. I don’t want to be one of those people. I want to be known as a light to people. Like a lighthouse on a coast, on a dark and stormy night that helps guide the seamen home.

All I’m trying to say is, that sometimes, it all becomes too much. And you just have to break. I’m happy to say that I have returned to counseling. And I have no shame in that. I am someone with a lot of shit going on in my life, and sometimes it helps having someone else there to give a fresh perspective. Or someone to just say, “I hear you, and I give a shit!” Because often times, I feel alone in this world. Like no one really ‘gets me’. I’ve learned that it’s important as human beings to feel whatever it is you need to feel. And to embrace the emotions that enter your heart for they enlighten your soul. How else can we grow as human beings, as spiritual creatures unless we learn how to rise from the ashes of our circumstances and welcome pain and suffering in our lives with open arms. For when we do so, we really have nothing to be afraid of. And when we do so, that’s when we can say we really grow as human beings.

I’m not saying I’m giving up on my hopes and dreams. That’s not it at all. It’s just sometimes it gets a little exhausting being trapped in a reality you often times can’t see your way out of. And you question sometimes what’s the meaning of it all. But this blog is called Jamie’s Journey after all, and tomorrow is another day. Another day that is going to be filled with a new set of problems. But today made me stronger to face my tomorrow. And perhaps tomorrow I’ll be a hero to myself once again.

“To the lamp of love, may it burn brightest in the darkest hours and never flicker in the winds of trial” – Author Unknown

Peace and Love.
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Facing my own Demons

Facing my own demons

I feel like I am stuck in a place, a dark place, as I continue my transition to being a better human being. Since I was a child, I have always had this inner ‘Satan’ that I have hated, but always seemed to show his face at the most inappropriate times. It is now that I am a man, I realize that “Satan” is really Anger.

I remember being so young as six years old and wondering about why ‘God’, whomever that may be, would want me to suffer when all the other kids around me appeared to live a normal life. This has been something that I have struggled with over the years. Then, why would ‘God’ whoever he may be want me to not only suffer from Cystic Fibrosis but want me to be raised by a raging alcoholic father. Why on earth then on top of that would ‘God’ whom I was really starting to dislike, make me be a victim of rape at the age of 10 years old. On top of all of that was my inner demon who I now consider my own angel, my Gay self, that I struggled for so long accepting and was angry that I couldn’t just shout out to the world, “I AM GAY!”

Anger has robbed me of so much joy over the years, and I am only starting to see that now as I continue on my journey and face new challenges every day. There was always that darkness that plagued my days with an inner frown that was not able to be released. It is only now from reading literature such as self-help books that I am really learning the importance of facing that anger, and getting to the root of where it comes from and minimizing it as quickly as possible. Especially for someone like me who has a terminal illness. When we are stressed and have anger inside, doctors have proven that it can have a negative effect on your immune system and could cause harm to your overall health.

Six time Grammy award winner, Adele, thanks life every day that she went through hard times. She vows that had it not been for her idiot ex-boyfriend, No.1 singles like ‘Rolling in the deep’ and ‘Someone like you’ would not exist, which as we know landed her on the global scene of success. But the difference between me and Adele, besides the fact that she has a vagina and I have a penis, is that she learned to use her anger for the good. What power! To turn anger and emotion into such beautiful song lyrics! Now I’m not telling you all to look out for my name flying up the chart’s anytime soon, but isn’t it amazing how some of us ‘get it’ and some of us, like me, don’t!

I recently read a book called, “Enjoy Every Sandwich”, which I highly recommend by the way, and in it there is a chapter called ‘Digging in the Dark’ and I swear it was meant just for my soul. It talks about how most of us are scared to face the darkest places within ourselves in fear that we may have to admit to imperfection, but that doing so can release you to a life of joy and excitement rather than one of anger and guilt. My anger tends to come out towards others when they say and do things that truly upsets and hurts me, though maybe not intended. Lee Lipsenthal writes; “I try to see myself in the other person’s shoes and mind and try and see why people feel the way they do. It may not resolve the issues at hand and I may not approve of the choices the offender has made, but I am able to generate compassion toward that person.” Is that not beautiful? My Aunt Heather tells me all the time whenever I tell her about how someone has wronged me or has disappointed me in some large way, “Did you pray for them?” WHAT!?!? Did I pray for them!? Are you kidding? They are the ones who are causing my life to be a living hell and you want me to pray for them!? It may sound extreme, but this has actually released my anger in a matter of seconds. When we realize that we do not need to take ownership of other people’s actions, that’s freedom! I heard an illustration once; holding onto a grudge is like taking a daily dose of poison, the only one it is going to effect is us. The other person doesn’t care that you are harboring resentments towards them, nor do they probably even realize it! So instead of letting things eat away at us and fester inside, are we not better off releasing our anger into the world and let karma or God’s good graces to handle it?

This has all hit very home to me in the past week, as I was released from my job. It is the first time ever I have been released from a job from anywhere. I was humiliated and disgusted at how manipulative the new manager was to have caused me to be dismissed from my employment. And even though she said on the phone it was because of my health, I know that this was only an excuse to give me as she herself, the owner felt bad for making the decision. The owners of the restaurant have been very supportive of my health issues since I started there, even allowing me to place a glass bottle for donations at the front of the store counter. But what did the “Satan” inside do? Took it as a personal attack, allowing myself to go so far as to experience a severe anxiety attack and have to be brought to emerge to settle me down. But was the manager in dismay? Probably not! I was allowing her actions to cause me so much pain and heartache that it was actually making me sick. Again, taking that daily dose of that delicious poison! What I have learned now that the dust has settled is that, I am powerless over other people’s actions. 100% powerless. And I cannot allow these people to make me feel like I am an insignificant part of this world. What I am going to try and do now is pray for the manager. Pray that she finds help to heal herself of her own demons and maybe not treat others in the way I have been treated. This all started over me speaking out to the owner about concerns I had, and then she came after me for revenge. But what she did is her business and she in the end will be accountable for it when we go wherever it is that we are going. Fred Luskin of Stanford University suggests that we “Forgive and Remember”, not forgive and forget. Forgive and move on with your life, yet still being cautious of repeating the same mistakes or allowing ourselves to be put in those types of situations.

I’m certainly not perfect. There are demons inside me and inside all of us that we wish we could just cover up with a nice thick blanket. But by facing these human flaws, it will allow me to continue to grow into a better, more decent human being. Expressing compassion for others when we are inclined to hate on them is power. Not power for them, power for us, because we are choosing to say no to our inclination to spread hatred and anger in this world. Instead we try and show a little bit of love. I’m not saying that it is easy to not allow ourselves to become worked up when someone has done wrong by us. It’s been a week since I was let go wrongfully from my job and I still have to take an Ativan and a Gravol to try and help me get myself to sleep after I cry and contemplate what I could have done different. But at least I have released myself this day of the tensions of this day. And tomorrow is a new day. A day in which I can wake up happier and able to face the next set of challenges of Jamie’s Journey.

    “Living involves tearing up one rough draft after another”
                                          - Author Unknown

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo