There are so many emotions that I went through when I
decided to leave my ex-wife. It’s almost as if I was looking at a puzzle and
each piece represented a different emotion and there were so many pieces. And
then each of those pieces could then be broken down into even smaller pieces.
For example, I felt a lot of fear.
But what kinds of fear and fear of what that could be broken down into small
parts. Well my biggest fear was that I was leaving Alicia broken, unable ever
to be happy again.
It’s very strange how much fundamental religion can
have so much power over the brain and the heart. As I have said in previous
posts, I had myself convinced and truly believed that if I was to be who my
heart said I was, then God would not accept me and would not spare me the wrath
of his judgment when we leave this world. So every day after meeting Alicia I
would just literally say to myself over and over “this is for the best, this is what God wants…..” and that is so
powerful that it overshadows the little inner voice that was telling me that
what I was doing was wrong.
People ask me all the time when I got married did I
truly believe it was going to last long, and my answer to that was yes. I
honestly believed that Alicia and I would live a happy life together. I really thought
I was going to be able to keep it a secret until the day I died. I loved her, genuinely
loved her and still do to this day. I just wasn’t in love with her. There is a
huge difference. We made each other laugh until we both couldn’t breathe. We sat
and had the most beautiful conversations. We took to greatest little trips and
shared all of what life had to offer to the both of us. But it turns out that
lying to the outside world was much easier than lying to my inner self.
In March of 2011 is when I first started telling my
family individually that I was gay and maybe a couple of close friends. I’m
often asked why it took me until October to leave and come out as a homosexual.
And the answer is simple. Fear. I had made so many close relationships with people whom I thought
were my friends as a Jehovah’s Witness, and I knew that by my coming out I was
going to lose each and every one of them. The bible says that ‘men who lay down with men will not enter
into the kingdom of God’ so clearly they frown upon homosexuals and anyone
of the LGBT community. So fear of displeasing or letting down the people who I
had built relationships with was terrifying. The thought of losing all those
friends at once gave me a terrible sense of being alone and in the dark. I
would basically be starting a whole new life, and as you can imagine it was
scary. Even now, 4 years later not one of the hundreds of ‘brothers and sisters’
I had made in that organization has said but one word to me. And at times that
makes me said, but then my self-worth kicks in and reminds me that those types
of people I don’t want as friends anyway. So it’s amazing to me how fear has transformed into power. Because what once I was afraid of
now makes me even stronger. I guess it’s because when you are in that fragile,
trapped state of helplessness you really truly feel like there is no way out.
I was afraid of how my family would react.
My mother raised me and my two sisters to have morals. That marriage was sacred
and that divorce was not looked upon as an easy option to out a union of that
nature. My aunts and uncles I wasn’t overly close with as the Jehovah’s
Witnesses don’t agree on mingling with ‘worldy’
people even if they are your family so I wasn’t tight with them like I was
before I got involved with religion. Yet even still I wondered how they would
react. But knowing that I had two openly gay cousins in my family helped me get
over that fear. And again that fear has transformed into power because now
there is no more lies. No more pretending to me someone I am not, and me and my
entire family are closer now than they have ever been and love me and solute me
for being so brave and courageous to be myself.
But my biggest fear was leaving Alicia. In the days
and weeks prior to my leaving, I wondered a lot of things. Like would she blame
herself? Would she think that she turned me gay? Would she believe I didn’t
love her? Would she think that everything we had was a lie? Would she never
speak to me again? Would she ever love again? Would I break her? Would she be
alright? The fear related to all those questions at the time was almost unbearable
and even looking back on it sitting here typing these words I don’t know how
the hell I ever got the nerve to leave. Because let me explain something to you……even
though Alicia wasn’t the one for me sexually, she was an amazing woman and
human being. We had been through so much together. And there is something to be
said for anyone who is willing to take on a partner with Cystic Fibrosis. There
is a lot of work, a lot of sacrifice and a lot of care needed to do that. Our
nephew Rorry was killed in a tragic car accident. We had it rough financially
sometimes finding it hard to put food on the table. And with those bad times we
also had some amazing moments together. She has and always will hold a special
place in my heart.
I never really thought about how I would react if and
when I found out that she got remarried. I guess because I was concentrated on
the fear of her being alone that I never allowed my mind to open up to that
possibility. I mean when I left of course I hoped that she would move on and
find someone to love her and start a family, but never gave much thought to how
I would feel.
I found out that she was remarried about two weeks
ago. My little sister is still friends with her on Facebook and sent me some
pictures. I immediately started to cry, my heart exploded and I could not
control my emotions. I went to the window in our home here, looked up to the
sky and said “Thank-You”.
It was in that very moment that my FEAR that I had
made the wrong decision vanished into thin air. It was then that I realized I
had made the right decision for the both of us and that leaving her truly was
the right thing to do.
Everyone deserves to be loved. EVERYONE! Time heals
all wounds and growth happens when we challenge ourselves spiritually to reach
far beyond what we think we can. It was a very tough time in my life but
hearing that she has moved on, that her heart is open to this man, and that she
has a twinkle in her eye was truly an AH
HA moment for me.
Sometimes we don’t do things for ourselves out of fear of how it will affect other
people. But this was a major life lesson to me that when you follow your heart,
everything works out in the end. It may take time, and it may take a lot of
work, but just like a puzzle, all the pieces will eventually find their way
together.
Peace and Love,
Jamie
