Listen to your heart
So much of my life I have spent doing what I felt others wanted me to do. What God wanted me to do. What my parents would want me to do. I finally asked myself “What do I want to do?”
As many of you know I was a part of a Religious organization that dominated how I was to live my life. I quickly went into robot mode and lost myself. I knew since I was 8 years old I was gay. I remember my father taking us swimming at that age, and I would always stare at men in the dressing room as they undressed. I don’t say that to be creepy, but say it to illustrate that this wasn’t a “choice” like many claim being gay is. An innocent 8 year old boy does not choose to be gay.
But the religious part of me, the part that wasn’t truly me, put my personal wants and needs aside, so I married a woman at the age of 20. She was the love of my life, still is. She’s my best friend. However as time went on I discovered that she was not able to give me what I wanted and needed. And I of course could no longer be her ‘husband’. She deserved so much more. So I decided last year that it was time for me to embrace myself.
On May 31st, 2011, I tried to take my life.
I knew then that if I remained a part of a religious organization that frowned upon and did not agree with homosexuality, I would quickly attempt to end my life again. So I decided, with the help and support of my big sister Kayla, my hero and Aunt, Heather and a cowboy named Howard, that it was time. I came out to close family members throughout all of last year. But didn’t come out to the world and leave my wife until October 1st of 2011. The spiritual and religious side of me decided that I would rather die a thousand deaths at the hand of God than to live one life here on this earth and be as miserable as I was.
At first I was so angry with myself. I felt I waisted 7 years of my life, living the way I felt was right at the time. But then quickly realized that first, I do not regret any time I spent with the beautiful woman who was my wife. Even though things were rough at the end, we certainly had some beautiful memories that will forever be ours. And I also realized that, why should I regret any experience that has made me the man I am today? A man that I am so proud to be!
The reason why I am sharing this with you all is because, I have CF. A disease that means a shorter life for a lot of it’s victims. It’s so important that we live everyday to the fullest, for we never know what tomorrow will bring. But is that not true for anyone? Even if you have perfect health, life can take you by surprise with an accident, a sudden illness or anything. So the advice that I have for anyone is;
So much of my life I have spent doing what I felt others wanted me to do. What God wanted me to do. What my parents would want me to do. I finally asked myself “What do I want to do?”
As many of you know I was a part of a Religious organization that dominated how I was to live my life. I quickly went into robot mode and lost myself. I knew since I was 8 years old I was gay. I remember my father taking us swimming at that age, and I would always stare at men in the dressing room as they undressed. I don’t say that to be creepy, but say it to illustrate that this wasn’t a “choice” like many claim being gay is. An innocent 8 year old boy does not choose to be gay.
But the religious part of me, the part that wasn’t truly me, put my personal wants and needs aside, so I married a woman at the age of 20. She was the love of my life, still is. She’s my best friend. However as time went on I discovered that she was not able to give me what I wanted and needed. And I of course could no longer be her ‘husband’. She deserved so much more. So I decided last year that it was time for me to embrace myself.
On May 31st, 2011, I tried to take my life.
I knew then that if I remained a part of a religious organization that frowned upon and did not agree with homosexuality, I would quickly attempt to end my life again. So I decided, with the help and support of my big sister Kayla, my hero and Aunt, Heather and a cowboy named Howard, that it was time. I came out to close family members throughout all of last year. But didn’t come out to the world and leave my wife until October 1st of 2011. The spiritual and religious side of me decided that I would rather die a thousand deaths at the hand of God than to live one life here on this earth and be as miserable as I was.
At first I was so angry with myself. I felt I waisted 7 years of my life, living the way I felt was right at the time. But then quickly realized that first, I do not regret any time I spent with the beautiful woman who was my wife. Even though things were rough at the end, we certainly had some beautiful memories that will forever be ours. And I also realized that, why should I regret any experience that has made me the man I am today? A man that I am so proud to be!
The reason why I am sharing this with you all is because, I have CF. A disease that means a shorter life for a lot of it’s victims. It’s so important that we live everyday to the fullest, for we never know what tomorrow will bring. But is that not true for anyone? Even if you have perfect health, life can take you by surprise with an accident, a sudden illness or anything. So the advice that I have for anyone is;
Listen to your heart!
Do what makes you happy! Do what makes you feel good! Don’t put off your happiness for tomorrow when you can have it today! We only go this way once, and if we don’t put our own happiness as a priority, no one else will, and if we are not happy ourselves we lose our ability to make anyone else happy. If others don’t like the choices you make, OH WELL!! They are your choices and the outcome of those choices you will have to deal with, NOT THEM!!
I wish I could shout this wisdom I have learned the hard way from the rooftops! Because it is so important! I also learned the hard way that when we are not happy mentally and emotionally, boy does it affect us physically. I was so miserable that I didn’t eat right, didn’t exercise properly and the list goes on.
Now, I’m not saying it was easy. To be honest, some days when I’m alone and contemplating life, I actually don’t know where I got the strength to get through what I went through. Whitney Houston said in one of her songs; “I didn’t know my own strength” And how true are those very words! We as humans don’t realize how strong we are until being strong and tough is the only choice we have. Often times when we go through a situation, we look back and wonder how we ever got through it, but the important part that we really should focus on is that we did!
Do what makes you happy! Do what makes you feel good! Don’t put off your happiness for tomorrow when you can have it today! We only go this way once, and if we don’t put our own happiness as a priority, no one else will, and if we are not happy ourselves we lose our ability to make anyone else happy. If others don’t like the choices you make, OH WELL!! They are your choices and the outcome of those choices you will have to deal with, NOT THEM!!
I wish I could shout this wisdom I have learned the hard way from the rooftops! Because it is so important! I also learned the hard way that when we are not happy mentally and emotionally, boy does it affect us physically. I was so miserable that I didn’t eat right, didn’t exercise properly and the list goes on.
Now, I’m not saying it was easy. To be honest, some days when I’m alone and contemplating life, I actually don’t know where I got the strength to get through what I went through. Whitney Houston said in one of her songs; “I didn’t know my own strength” And how true are those very words! We as humans don’t realize how strong we are until being strong and tough is the only choice we have. Often times when we go through a situation, we look back and wonder how we ever got through it, but the important part that we really should focus on is that we did!
Embrace the life God wants you to have! It’s out
there, you just have to live it!
~Christopher Morley
XO
Jamie Leigh Fransis
