I’m finding lately it’s getting harder and harder to wear my ‘mask’ of someone who is doing so well, yet inside I am falling apart. I’m really starting to question my purpose here, and I’m finding myself confused about what I thought was reality, turning out to be not so real.
At my place of work, the owners allowed for a jar to be placed at the front counter for “Jamie’s Journey”, for my transplant, an extra way to raise some money. A lot of my customers are surprised when they learn that the Jamie talked about in the short paragraph attached to the bottle is actually me. They see what appears to be a well-kept, healthy young man. It’s the most frustrating thing about having this disease, is that people just don’t understand how not well I actually am. Sometimes I wish there was a hidden camera in my home so that people have to see what I have to go through just to go out and face the world on a daily basis. Not because I want attention, but beg for compassion. When you are operating on less than half of your lungs, it makes daily living, the simplest of tasks to be like climbing Mount Everest.
I am so grateful thought to be able to push myself right now. By rights I should be home resting, and taking care of my health to ensure that nothing happens before it needs to. But I find pushing myself that extra bit helps me stay real and focused. It also helps me emotionally, being able to go out and mingle with people. Being able to provide good service to people in a restaurant brings me a measure of joy and happiness. Makes me feel like I am needed somewhere. But I do get tired of always having to pretend. Sometimes I just feel like lying on the floor and giving up just to make people realize how much this sucks sometimes. I hate to sound down in the dumps, because I am usually so positive, but sometimes you need to just vent.
On this blog, I seem like such a positive guy, who has his shit together, but to be honest sometimes I just feel like I am about to fall apart. This past few months has made me question everything. Who I am….Why am I here….and Why certain things happen the way they do? I don’t have a lot of time to wait for the answers and sometimes I get so impatient that I just want to know NOW! I am questioning whether or not I am a good person. People have said and done some pretty cruel things to me over the past little while and I am wondering if I deserve it. Am I missing something? I thought people who claimed to love you would be there despite whatever. Is love losing its meaning? Is love something that people can no longer hold sacred and commit to? Because when I say I love you to someone, it means that I am willing to accept their flaws and help make them a better person. Not kick them in the head and spit on them when they are on the ground. I’m confused in my own mind how people tell me on Facebook time and time again how much of an inspiration I am to them, yet, I get people inboxing me and telling me, and saying the most inhuman things that I question whether or not I deserve. Again, I come across as this guy who got it all figured out, but lately, I feel like I know nothing anymore. I am trying my best to be a decent human being and I just feel that lately some people would rather see me dead than to just show some compassion, and even if they cannot do that, I would just like to be left alone. And things that you want to say, if they aren’t positive than please, I beg you, just keep them to yourself. I’m trying so hard to just stay strong and keep my spirits up knowing the days ahead are going to be hard, but sometimes I question why I even bother. If so many people out there think I am a bad person, then should I really be asking people to help me to save my own life. Or is it best to let nature take its course. Am I not worthy of an extended time here on this planet?
Lady GaGa said how would she not appreciate her fans if she didn’t have h8ers? And I see her point. And I want you all to know that I do appreciate so much your love and support. From those of you who build me up with kind words and say the sweetest things to me, thank-you from the bottom of my heart. It’s just that lately I’m overwhelmed with people saying just the cruelest things to me. And unfortunately because I am human, sometimes the little bit of bad outweighs all the good.
I just want to be a respected person, someone whom people will say after I am gone; “Jamie was such a sweet guy, someone who will be missed”, but lately I just don’t know.
It’s so hard holding all your emotions in; wondering if tomorrow will be there day your lungs decide to fail, if tomorrow you will be faced with death, if tomorrow you will have the strength to wake up. And just this extra garbage, is sometimes a little bit too much to bare. All I know is that I am just being me, and if that’s not good enough then I don’t know what else to do.
For now, I’m off to bed….. maybe rest will help me think more clearly…..
Peace and Love,
Jamie
