FOUND

Found

I have been trying to understand the phycology of it all. Why we allow other human beings to bring us in the dark hen we are striving to live in the light.  Why we allow them to fill us with so much anger, so much darkness and sadness. Why we allow their opinions and close minded statements to rob us of the joy we seek to have in our lives. Last night was one of the worst nights I have had in a very long time. But what hurts you yesterday makes you stronger today, and this is what I have gained.

I’ve learned over the past year that no matter how one choses to live his or her life, there will always be people who do not agree with what they are doing. There will always be those who think they can do it better. There will always those who feel that if we lived by their ways and their rules that our lives would be better; more fulfilled. But since when did anyone have the right to tell us that what we are doing isn’t good enough? And since when did we allow others to dictate what is right and what is wrong. For what is right and what is wrong varies for each person. But I am not willing to waist all of the efforts that I have put in to ensure my happiness with myself and my being with Perry, to let a few people who are ignorant to cause me pain and upset when really they don’t care.

I got an e-mail last night from someone from my past, whom I want to remain nameless as I fear someone will want to kill them after reading this. She has been reading these blogs and felt the need to tell me that I am a ‘self-centered, ego maniac who feeds off attention from others.’ Someone who ‘doesn’t deserve a second chance at life because you have messed up the first one’. She felt that it was important to ‘bring me down a few notches’ and open my eyes to reality and inform me that I need to start appreciating the things I have.

I cried for an hour upon reading this.

That combined with an argument with a guy about a stupid Facebook status that I had that he over analyzed and made me feel like a piece of shit, combined with stress and not knowing how to deal with my emotions about transplant lately and then top it all off exhaustion from trying to keep up the pace at work while dealing with weak lungs. Needless to say, especially after last night’s blog post, I snapped.

I don’t know what it is that makes me so sad when someone says something to me. I don’t know if it is from being abused by y alcoholic father as a child, not sure if it is from being bullied at school, not sure if it was from all the brain washing I experienced when I was a Jehovah’s Witness and maybe I was afraid that some of that was creeping back in to my life somehow, but I do know that it triggers something very evil in me, and I don’t like it. I don’t like handing over that kind of power to people, the kind of power that has destructive forces and can cause a lot of damage to my soul, and has done so. Last night I actually allowed myself to question whether or not I was a good person. Made me question whether or not I deserve a lung transplant. Made me question whether or not I deserve to have Perry’s love in my life. I allowed that to happen.

I have preached on here time and time again that life is all about attitude. And how we react to things, yet last night my ability to control that aspect of life simply vanished. I was brought right down to the pit where all I wanted to do was scrape some dirt in on top of me until I could no longer breathe. But I allowed this to happen.

I have learned from talking to my shrink and my social worker that jealousy is a root of a lot of evil in this world. A lot of people have a hard time seeing good things happen to others, especially when their own lives aren’t so peachy. They tend to pick on the imperfections in someone else’s life rather than face their own demons. I have a lot of attention around me right now and a lot of positive energy, very positive, and a lot of people just can’t deal with nor accept that. They need a little bit of that energy themselves and feel the need and simply insist on trying to rob some joy from others by saying or doing something that they know will hurt someone else. BUT. It can only hurt us if we allow it too.

We have two choices when confronted with negativity; we can either react or we can ignore. Sure the imperfect human in each of us leans towards the first, react. Who of us wants to be hurt or saddened by someone else’s actions or comments, so naturally our instinct is to either put our claws out and attack back, or ball up into a corner and throw a huge ass pity party. BUT! What about if we didn’t react at all? What about if I learned to not give, or allow the other person to have so much power over me that I chose to say, “NO!. I am not going to let this bother me!” By choosing the later we not only send a message to our attacker that they have no power over us and cannot bring us down from the glorious clouds in which we are so happily residing, but it also strengthens us for future blows, to make us stronger in dealing with more assholes that will come our way.

All I know is I hate feeling as low as I did last night. But I also know who I am deep down inside and I know that I don’t deserve to give these people my time and energy when I have SOOOOOOOO much positivity surrounding me on a daily basis. Why is it that we so quickly focus on the darkness when there is so much light? All I know is I am going to try and make sure that never happens again. I know that I am a good person at heart. I see it through the miracles that I have witnessed in my life, Perry being one of them. We have so much love between us, it’s remarkable and makes me believe in ‘meant to be’s’. We have so much positive things to look forward to as well, like our wedding day is approaching and there is so much planning and good things to come. We have the most amazing friends around us who make us feel so much love even though some of them have to love us from afar. And above all, we have the gift of Today! Another day to enjoy on this beautiful earth that God has been so kind to give us. It’s true what they say, today is a present, because it is a gift from above.

So the next time some idiot who thinks they know it all tries to rain on your parade and make you feel like your bellow insects on the totem pole, just ask yourself; “Am I going to allow them to bring me down? Or, am I gonna show them who’s in charge of my own life and say NO, you can’t hurt me!” Because that’s what I’m sure as hell gonna do!

 “Put your ear down close to your soul and listen hard.”

~ Anne Sexton

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

LOST

LOST

I’m finding lately it’s getting harder and harder to wear my ‘mask’ of someone who is doing so well, yet inside I am falling apart. I’m really starting to question my purpose here, and I’m finding myself confused about what I thought was reality, turning out to be not so real.

At my place of work, the owners allowed for a jar to be placed at the front counter for “Jamie’s Journey”, for my transplant, an extra way to raise some money. A lot of my customers are surprised when they learn that the Jamie talked about in the short paragraph attached to the bottle is actually me. They see what appears to be a well-kept, healthy young man. It’s the most frustrating thing about having this disease, is that people just don’t understand how not well I actually am. Sometimes I wish there was a hidden camera in my home so that people have to see what I have to go through just to go out and face the world on a daily basis. Not because I want attention, but beg for compassion. When you are operating on less than half of your lungs, it makes daily living, the simplest of tasks to be like climbing Mount Everest.

I am so grateful thought to be able to push myself right now. By rights I should be home resting, and taking care of my health to ensure that nothing happens before it needs to. But I find pushing myself that extra bit helps me stay real and focused. It also helps me emotionally, being able to go out and mingle with people. Being able to provide good service to people in a restaurant brings me a measure of joy and happiness. Makes me feel like I am needed somewhere. But I do get tired of always having to pretend. Sometimes I just feel like lying on the floor and giving up just to make people realize how much this sucks sometimes. I hate to sound down in the dumps, because I am usually so positive, but sometimes you need to just vent.

On this blog, I seem like such a positive guy, who has his shit together, but to be honest sometimes I just feel like I am about to fall apart. This past few months has made me question everything. Who I am….Why am I here….and Why certain things happen the way they do? I don’t have a lot of time to wait for the answers and sometimes I get so impatient that I just want to know NOW! I am questioning whether or not I am a good person. People have said and done some pretty cruel things to me over the past little while and I am wondering if I deserve it. Am I missing something? I thought people who claimed to love you would be there despite whatever. Is love losing its meaning? Is love something that people can no longer hold sacred and commit to? Because when I say I love you to someone, it means that I am willing to accept their flaws and help make them a better person. Not kick them in the head and spit on them when they are on the ground. I’m confused in my own mind how people tell me on Facebook time and time again how much of an inspiration I am to them, yet, I get people inboxing me and telling me, and saying the most inhuman things that I question whether or not I deserve. Again, I come across as this guy who got it all figured out, but lately, I feel like I know nothing anymore. I am trying my best to be a decent human being and I just feel that lately some people would rather see me dead than to just show some compassion, and even if they cannot do that, I would just like to be left alone. And things that you want to say, if they aren’t positive than please, I beg you, just keep them to yourself. I’m trying so hard to just stay strong and keep my spirits up knowing the days ahead are going to be hard, but sometimes I question why I even bother. If so many people out there think I am a  bad person, then should I really be asking people to help me to save my own life. Or is it best to let nature take its course. Am I not worthy of an extended time here on this planet?

Lady GaGa said how would she not appreciate her fans if she didn’t have h8ers? And I see her point. And I want you all to know that I do appreciate so much your love and support. From those of you who build me up with kind words and say the sweetest things to me, thank-you from the bottom of my heart. It’s just that lately I’m overwhelmed with people saying just the cruelest things to me. And unfortunately because I am human, sometimes the little bit of bad outweighs all the good.

I just want to be a respected person, someone whom people will say after I am gone; “Jamie was such a sweet guy, someone who will be missed”, but lately I just don’t know.

It’s so hard holding all your emotions in; wondering if tomorrow will be there day your lungs decide to fail, if tomorrow you will be faced with death, if tomorrow you will have the strength to wake up. And just this extra garbage, is sometimes a little bit too much to bare. All I know is that I am just being me, and if that’s not good enough then I don’t know what else to do.

For now, I’m off to bed….. maybe rest will help me think more clearly…..

Peace and Love,
Jamie

HIGH expectations; BIG disappointments

HIGH expectations; BIG disappointments

When you live with a terminal illness such as Cystic Fibrosis, from a young age you develop this mind set of how life is supposed to go. How people are supposed to treat you and how they should be expected to show a measure of compassion, because after all, you are a sick person. You expect because you are ill, people would be careful as to not hurt you, or cause you any more anxiety because of what you are already facing in your troubled life. Turns out, none of it really matters.

Just because I am sick, does not give me the right to expect people to treat me a certain way. With that said, I have been the beneficiary of some extreme compassion and love shown to me by people all across this nation and abroad. But I am finding it very difficult what a “friend” behaves in a way that I feel he or she should not behave, because I expect better. We so quickly forget that they too have limitations and that they have things going on in their lives that I may know nothing about, or things that are causing them to be limited in the way they can express fellow feeling to others.

When this whole transplant thing started over 8 months ago now, I never thought I would lose friends, or even family for that matter because of the ins and outs of dealing with this kind of traumatic thing I will have to face in the near future. I just expected that everyone would be there, come hell or high water – they would be there. But that is not the case today. There are certain people in both of our lives that we never thought we would lose during going through such an experience as this. But the only reason why we were surprised is because we expected them to be here through everything. Had we not set that expectation in our head, we would not feel so sad about it. Many people are capable of different things; a lot of people can’t handle to emotions involved with something like this.

It’s also important to note that we cannot have expectations of others until we analyze what other people expect of us. That would be hypocritical. Often times, especially lately, I’m finding it better to just not have any expectations of anyone, that way I don’t end up sad and upset. At one of the latest fundraisers I had, someone asked me if I was disappointed with the turn out, I said ‘no’. Because I never had any expectation walking in there, therefore whoever came I appreciated and those who didn’t I tried to tell myself that they must not have been able to attend and that was that. If I expected 250 people, and 50 people showed up, can you imagine how disappointed I would have been, therefore NO expectations means NO disappointments.

Not having high expectations in life also leads to a contentment that cannot be expressed with words. It gives you a confidence in knowing that those who are in your life are meant to be there and those who are no longer present, really weren’t meant to leave a mark on your life. It allows you to expand on the relationships you have knowing that they are genuine and that the other party has your best interests at heart. This day and age people use to term ‘best friend’ way to loosely. They say “OMG, she’s like my BEST FRIEND” and then 5 minutes later that same person will say the same thing about someone else! Isn’t that putting a lot of expectations on an awful lot of people? What is a best friend? It is someone who understands you as you are, accepts your limitations and flaws but still loves you anyway. I’m sure not every person in your life is THAT person.

It’s also important not to place too many expectations on ourselves. I always expect myself to be so strong, like a superhero to others. Not let them know that at times I cry myself to sleep because I am so scared of what’s about to unfold. How I scream out the lyrics to really sad songs to help me deal with the downfalls in life. How I literally have to tell my mind to stay awake when I am in the middle of a coughing fit because I don’t want to pass out or have to sit down in front of others because maybe then they would see just how fragile I really am. I have CF, and sometimes I forget that. I think I need to be superman all the time and not have moments of weakness to remind me of reality. And it’s tiresome sometimes to always be so strong. People tell me all the time that they would never have guessed that I have CF just by looking at me. The reality is that we as human beings are only capable of so much even if we don’t have a terminal illness. And it’s very important that we realize that, or else we will burn ourselves out and be useless not only to others but even ourselves.

The part that I hate is that I EXPECT Perry to know what’s on my mind at all times, and I often close down in front of him because I don’t want him to be burdened any more than he already has. He has entered my life and has fixed so many things and has healed me in ways that no doctor ever could. But yet, I sometimes forget that he is only human too. And to take on someone who has a health condition such as mine if something to be awarded in itself, yet he seeks no honor for his role. He is just happy to be able to be here for me and has promised to be by my side through all of this come hell or high water. But even he has limitations and sometimes I forget that I may be exhausting him with everything going on in my life and in my mind and the needs of my body when it comes to him helping me with my therapies. Communication is so important in a relationship and I am so grateful to have that with him. He not only hears me but he listens and I try to do the same. We have little tiffs here and there but never have we had a heated argument. And the reason why things are going so well is because I have no expectations of him. He has graciously and willingly entered my life and has vowed form day one to not go anyway and stay with me, even if that means holding me in his arms as I take my last breath.

He is my hero.

This life is such a beautiful journey, is it not? And we are all learning. I hope that this made sense to you….. it has helped me a lot!

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed”
 ~ Alexander Pope

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Toronto Visit/ Update

Perry and I outside the Toronto General Hospital

Toronto Visit/ Update

Whenever you go to the store and buy anything with dairy in it, it usually comes with an expire or best before date. I travelled to Toronto in hopes that the team there would be able to give me my expire date so that I would have an idea of how much time I have left here on this planet, but unfortunately, I forgot they weren’t God and that they were not able to supply that information.

It was a week of so much emotion. I was scared, excited, worried, stressed and anxious all wrapped in one tiny little package. It’s not every day you meet with doctors who will eventually have control over your life. Perry and I tried desperately to make a vacation out of it but the trip was so exhausting emotionally it was hard to enjoy ourselves, but we did manage well. Toronto is a beautiful but extremely busy city; it’s almost as if you are in another world. We were up bright and early on Friday morning to head downtown Toronto to meet with the team at the Toronto General Hospital. The hospital was HUGE! After registration, I headed right up to the 10^th floor to get my pulmonary function tests done. This is a test that measures how much of your lungs are actually still working in good order. At this hospital they do a more intense test than in St. John’s, and I was exhausted by the time it was all over thirty minutes later. However I quickly regained momentum when they told me my lung volumes were at 44%. You have to understand that when I was hospitalized in February, I was told upon my discharge that my numbers may increase a little but nothing significant. They were 31% at that time, and you are listed for transplant at 30%. So to be told that they have increased to 44%,14% away from the ‘danger zone’, it’s a pretty emotionally thing to hear. I spent so much time before we left to visit that I only had a limited time left, and now to hear this great news was overwhelming.

After this test, it was up to the 12^th floor to get a 6 minute walk test done. This measures just how well you can perform while exercising, and how well you can perform in daily living to help asses my quality of life. Before I even started this test I found out that I gained yet another 5lbs of muscle mass, which in the long run helps my overall health. The walk test was challenging and you have to give it your all. It helps the doctors see your peak performance and can judge how well you are doing. It went well. My numbers were slightly down but very good for someone only using 44% of his lungs.

So now that my preliminary tests were done, it was off to meet Dr. Lianne Singer. She will be my specialist that will work side by side with the surgeons to determine when my transplant will benefit me more than the risks of the surgery will. I am so glad I had a posy of people there with Perry and I for support. My aunt Linda whom we stayed with, my cousin Elise, and a dear friend of ours, Michelle joined us. Dr. Singer is a lovely lady. She’s about early 40’s, slim with a beautiful, calming smile. She entered the room and wanted to meet everyone who was there. I think she was really impressed that I had so many people with me to hear the news and could see just how much support I have in this. It was a small scale perspective of just how many people I have behind me going through this journey. I couldn’t help but feel the presence of so many in that room with me, more than the room would ever be able to hold.

Dr. Singer explained to us that I am a very complicated case. Not only do I have CF, but I have this NTM on top of it all. This type of NTM can cause all kinds of problems. I think she was surprised that I was doing as well as I am. As I mentioned, she’s not God but she was able to give me some idea of a timeframe. To her knowledge I was safe for at least a year, and the maximum time she felt I have is 5 years. However, I have already defied the odds so she couldn’t guarantee that this was the limit. But to her knowledge it would be a year for sure before I would need a transplant. She did make it clear that this is just her best estimate, and that this type of infection cannot be cured and could choose to act up and cause havoc at any time. But right now my numbers have been hovering around 40% since April which is a good sign that it may stay stable for a while.

Then she talked to us a little bit about the surgery and the risks involved. I was told that about 95% of ALL transplant patients make it out of the surgery, and that given my age and physical shape, she had high hopes for me post-transplant. Right now there haven’t been many studies to support long term success of transplant because lung transplant has really improved over the last 10 years. She said that there was a 50% chance of surviving 5 years post-transplant and that most patients only get 5-8 years out of their new lungs before a second transplant may be needed but is highly dangerous and unlikely to occur. That was a little hard to hear, but this statistic is based on the entire transplant society, which means if a 70 year old man gets a transplant and is in not great physical shape and dies after a year, then this is put into this statistic as well. CF patients have the best success rate with transplant she told us and really didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t get 10+ years out of my new lungs.

She was thrilled when we told her that we have started fundraising and she said herself that the financial part of it all tends to bring the most stress to transplant patients, especially when you don’t live in Toronto. The less stress the better she emphasized.

She wants to see me for a follow up in six months, and other than that she just said to keep doing what I am doing because it is obviously working! She shook our hands and wished me with best of luck.

Dr. Singer was able to schedule an appointment with an NTM specialist for Wednesday morning, for us to visit and talk with him and get more information about the particular bug that is growing in my lungs. Unfortunately he did not have all my records in time for the appointment, so we just had a chat about the drugs I was on and he told me that he would talk to my team in St. John’s and advise them on his recommendations and would contact me to let me know his findings. He was a little worried about my liver, but was very pleased to hear that I was handling Biaxin well, which is one of the drugs I am taking that a lot of people have problems with. I am lucky!

Right now my focus is to continue to live my life to the fullest and take care of myself as best as possible. I am looking forward to continuing fundraising and plan events where I can be with the people who mean the most to me. Most of all I am looking forward to planning a wedding, where I will marry the man of my dreams. I give Perry 100% of the credit for my good, stable health, as his love has given me a genuine reason to live and continue to fight this stupid disease! His love is saving my life!

Thank you once again for all your love and support and well wished this past couple weeks. It’s been emotional but the news couldn’t have been better really.  Looks like you are all going to have to put up with me for a while yet.

Love your life to the fullest and don’t settle until you find absolute happiness.
You deserve it.

“To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.”
~ Buddah

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

How do you measure, measure a year?

How do you measure, measure a year?

It was around 7pm when the phone rang. It was my big sister. I was feeling suicidal again and just wanted to give up on life. She insisted that she had had enough and that she was calling our father to come and pick me up in the morning and take me out of the life that I so desperately needed out of. I agreed after much encouragement and got in the van and headed to Gander to pick up some boxes in which to put my things. I arrived back home, began to pack up my things and tried to block out my sobbing wife from the background. Even though she knew in her heart that this was coming, no woman wants to acknowledge that their husband is leaving to pursue a homosexual lifestyle. It was really hard on her, and our goodbye is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. If only I had the courage to not even join a religion that didn’t approve of who I was at heart. The next morning dad arrived early and we immediately packed my things onto the truck. It didn’t take long. And after a kiss to both my cat’s and very emotional goodbye to our dog, Jorja and a beautiful goodbye with my ex, I got in the truck and drove away from a life I so desperately hated. I cried for most of the way to town. I thought of how happy we both were at one point in our lives, and how beautiful of a person she was. I thought of how I was going to miss her big smile and mesmerizing big brown eyes. But I also thought of what lie ahead. Will I actually get a chance at happiness now? Will my courage for leaving be rewarded with a new happy, exciting existence?

There are 525,600 minutes within a year. And as I look back over this past year, I cannot help but cry and smile. So much has happened, so much I am grateful for. I almost feel as if I were born at the age of 25. I have spent the past twenty-five years preparing to begin life to the fullest and to be authentic in this journey that God has placed me on. I often reflect on moments in the past and it scares me because I do not even recognize the man I used to be. A scared soul, with no love for himself whatsoever. Someone whom would have preferred pleasing others than to have a moment’s happiness for himself. Someone who truly gave up on life and would have much rather died than to live one more day of misery of feeling trapped in a situation where there was no escape.

Time is a beautiful thing. It allows us to heal and grow in order to achieve better success on this journey. I cannot help be proud of myself now after one year, that I was able to gather the courage from within and face life head on and take control of my own destiny. I do have my sad days when I think of Alicia and everything we were. I have said before her and I shared some great moments together. Moments I will take with me to the grave. But to stand out in this world takes more effort than blending in. I faced a lot of people who would not approve of my lifestyle choice and even had some pretty nasty letters sent to me. I lost all of my Jehovah’s Witness friends overnight, hundreds of them, because they do not approve of homosexuality. But what I gained far outweighs anything I could have ever lost. I love myself today. I am able to look in the mirror and so, ok, you got it boy! This is you! I have self-respect and self-esteem, things in which you lose while trying to conceal the truth from even yourself. And when it comes to losing friends and family members because of my decisions, I am at peace with that. I pray for them all the time, that they lift their judgmental hearts to place of love and acceptance. I cannot control what other people do in their lives, nor can they control me anymore. But I can respect them. They have their right to their opinion just as much as I do. And besides, the friends and relationships I have gained over the past 365 days far outweighs anything I had in my past life. Why? Because they are real. I am able to be me when talking to others now. Not needing to hide anything from anyone. It’s an amazing feeling for someone who spent his life making sure everyone else was happy yet paying little heed to what made me happy. I also have my days where I miss people in Alicia’s family. Her sister Brandi and I were close and her niece Nitika. I miss them terribly but can only pray that they stay well and happy in life. I am confident in knowing that the people who have stayed by my side are the people that love me for who I am, not what I am, and that makes me so happy.

It’s hard to imagine that had I stayed in the situation I was in, transplant would not even be something I would be considering right now. And that saddens my heart to no end. The religion I was a part of did not approve of the use of blood for medicinal purposes. So I just accepted the fact that I would die a slow and painful death, as it is impossible to do a double lung transplant totally bloodless. Therefore I had myself convinced that the end would come. But now that I have escaped that cloud, I am so excited to have this amazing opportunity lay ahead of me. As I have said before, I would be lying if I said at times I don’t get scared, it’s a big procedure with many risks. But at least now I get to choose life instead of death.

On September 20^th, 2012, I became the happiest man alive. Perry my partner in crime agreed to marry me someday in the near future. I am overjoyed with a heart full of love for that man. Perry was my missing puzzle piece. He has totally flipped my world upside down so I now see everything clearly. You ever have a situation where something happens and you just know it was meant to be and it just feels so right? That’s the way this man makes me feel every single day. He is able to give me something my ex-wife never could. If you had told me last year when I was about to leave that in a year, I would be above and beyond happy and that I would have found the real love of my life, I would have laughed in your face. That was my biggest fear in leaving, never finding love again. But as I began to learn to love myself that’s when I was blessed with Perry. He brings out the best in me, and that is what a lover is supposed to do. He makes me want to strive to be a better person, better friend, brother, son….. And as I move forward with him, I am only confident that our bond of love will continue to get more intense. I could not have ordered a better man to join me, hand in hand as I continue on this journey. I Love You Babe!

So in the past 525,600 minutes that have passed since the day I started living, there have been some down days. Day’s where I questioned if I made the right decision. I had some pretty rough relationships when I felt entered the gay world, but that was only because I was on the rebound and hadn’t yet accepted and loved myself. The of course I got sick and the old religious man in my head questioned whether or not I was being punished by God for making the choices that I had made. I have had to work hard over the past year of retraining my thinking and it will still take some time as I lived in one particular way for 8 years of my existence.

Am I happy? Was it worth it? Let’s just say that as I cry my heart out as I conclude this blog entry, I am so thrilled at where my life is. This journey hasn’t been easy, but it keeps getting better and better every day. And even though, yes, I have some pretty scary things happening to me in the near future, I am so proud of the man I am today! J I feel better equipped to handle those things now that I am living as Jamie Chafe was intended to live. We are all here for a reason. Sometimes it takes others to figure out longer why they are. I’m glad it didn’t take me too long. I know I am here to do something great. I’m not sure what that is yet, and I am anxious to find out. But until then I am going to continue to try and be a shining light in people’s lives and to spread hope and joy to those who are going through difficult times. Some great expressions of love were shown to me when I was bottomed out and now it’s my time to pay it forward.

I want to take a moment to thank you all for your amazing support towards me this past year. I could not have done it without the loving support from those who mean the most to me. I know at times it may have seemed hopeless to stay by my side because I was in such a mess, but you stuck with me and help me become who I am today and for that I will be forever grateful. And to those of you reading this who may be going through some rough waters in your life; a special message to you. Follow your heart! When life knocks at the door, do not ignore it. Embrace it. It will only get better when you do. You cannot do what I did and sit around and wait for change to happen. Change requires action on our part. Make the changes you need to make in order to ensure your own happiness. Life is too damn short people! And you are worth it!

“To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.”  ~ Buddha

Peace and Much Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Death at the Door

Death at the Door

Your whole life changes. Everything you thought you knew and believed in suddenly becomes garbage. It’s as if you were walking around , your entire life with this foggy haze and then suddenly, for the first time the sun shines. You feel the warmth on your face and you embrace the suns glow as a kiss from the heavens. You smile instantly because even though death is as the door, you never felt more alive.

That’s exactly how I felt when the whole concept of transplant was introduced to me. You sometimes forget how precious life truly is until being told your existence may soon come to an end. And I’m tired of being so strong lately that I just wanted to write a blog about how I am coping with all this. It’s hard when everyone around you doesn’t understand your sudden zeal and zest for life and why you are so passionate about everything. My only regret is not living my entire life feeling as free as I do now. So it burns me to ask, if you knew your days were numbered, would you live your life differently? None of us have an expiration date on our back. So isn’t it best that we all live as if there were no tomorrow? Can you imagine how beautiful this world would be?

It can be rough sometimes sitting in this world feeling like you’re the only one in it. An everyday 25 year old doesn’t have to face what I face. And it’s not that I am looking for pity, because pity is what I am NOT asking for. It’s just that when people get overwhelmed with how I am living my life these days, it begs me to question if they are seeing something in me in which they wished they themselves could possess. For example, Perry and I just got engaged, and we have heard from a few people, “wow, you guys are moving fast”. But Perry and I are in love. We know in our hearts that we want to spend the rest of whatever time, be it 15 or 20 years together, so why should we wait? I often find that jealousy prompts people to make such statements as they are longing to have something as beautiful in their lives. Perry is the very reason I am still alive, why wouldn’t I want to honor him by allowing him to walk through this journey at my side. He’s proven he can do it, and he wants to do it. So I’m letting him!

My tolerance to bullshit is also getting more and more less tolerable. I need to work on compassion as because I am staring death in the face, it makes me wonder why people get on with such immature behavior and act out in such childishness. But I have to remember these people are not on my journey, perhaps if they knew their partner was dying and was terminally ill then they would get it, but they just don’t! So I have to accept that. Doesn’t mean I have to put up with bad behavior or be a doormat to people, it just has meant that I needed to cut some dramatic, attention seeking people from my life. It really hurts though when it is your family.

My Family were people that I thought were going to stick by my side no matter what. No matter what I did, I would have hoped they could get the real sense of what is going on and realize that my days on this earth could be numbered. No one knows if this transplant will be a success. Despite the doctors best efforts anything could go wrong, so the risks are high. Now I am not saying I believe that’s the case, because I have said from day one I picture life after transplant and it’s beautiful! But I wish people, including my family could really get over themselves and realize just how badly I need their support right now. Rather they are talking shit about me, spreading harmful gossip and causing great distress knowing that their petty behavior will be something they will regret in the long run. Life is too damn short people!
It breaks my heart that with the exception of my Aunt Linda and big sister Kayla, not one member of my family has asked me how I am doing with all of this. Not one! It makes me so sad at heart to even fathom that this would be the case. I always imagined my family being front row, center. But they are nowhere to be found. And it’s very difficult to accept that. It’s hard to accept that something I did 5 years ago that has no relevance to my present health condition is being held against me. But this is where my new attitude comes in. I don’t have time to care.
Sure I’m really sad that things have to be this way, but it’s their limitation to not be able to move forward and realize and wake up the reality of what’s on the line here. It will be their regret when they wake up and realize that I am gone. That they couldn’t even call and see how I was doing. Until that day, if it ever comes, I’m gonna pray for those people, because I find them really sad and damaged. To not be able to show love to your own family member is a hard pill for me to swallow, but I have been given no choice.

I as a person have had to focus more on the people I do have in my life, rather than worry about the ones I don’t. They obviously aren’t losing any sleep over it, so why should I. I am have been so overwhelmed this past month with the support from people I barely even know, to show such expressions of kindness, to make donations to help me get another fighting chance at this. I know I have said it time and time again, but thank-you just doesn’t cut it. It’s like I wish I could invent a stronger word for the Webster’s dictionary to express just how grateful I am to these people. The only thing I can do is to promise I will use my life to do something amazing, and to make change in this world.

So yes, it can get very overwhelming knowing that at any point now in the near future death and I may have a close encounter. But it has enriched my life in ways that I am just so thankful. Like I said everything because clear and the stupid, petty non-essential arguments we all have with each other just seems like a literal waist of fresh air. It’s allowed me the moments to stop time and admire a sun setting, second by second. It’s allowed me the beauty in seeing the fall leaves slowly changing color. It’s allowed me to see the love in a young girls eyes for her father that he doesn’t realize is so strong. It’s allowed me to live. I don’t take any moment here on this earth for granted. I treasure every one, and make sure I do at least one major thing each day to enhance the joy I have in my life. It’s so important for all of us to do so, because I may know that soon I have some rough waters to voyage through, but a lot don’t have that kind of warning. So people, please, make sure you live to your fullest; you never know when today will be your last today.

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." ~ Unknown
Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

The books of Revelation

The books of Revelation

It’s amazing what reading has done for me this past year. I was never a big reader. Even in high school I would go on cheat websites to get book reports so I didn’t have to read the darn things. Now the thought of a life without literature scares me, only because I have received so much joy and comfort from reading. I recommend anyone who is going through tough times in life to pick up a book. I was never a big believer in ‘self help’ books, but to be honest, they are what really helped me through. Learning about how others like me got through the darkest of days and how they prevailed through trials and tribulation made me feel less alone, and gave me the courage and determination to press forward.

My aunt Heather is a writer, and soon I after I left my wife, she sent me a care package. But not a normal care package that one would expect to receive after ending a marriage. Nope, no chocolate or alcohol, just books. At first I was really skeptical about picking them up and reading the contents as I was tired of living my life the way someone interpreted from some book. I just wanted to be free. But yet something was still missing. I had lost the love I once had for myself. How can you love yourself when you had to lie everyday just to cover up who you truly were as a human being. But then a couple of titles caught my attention and because I had a lot of spear time, and felt desperate to try anything to get me out of the funk I was in, I started reading. Page after page I cried my heart out, feeling relieved that there was hope for a lost, scared soul like mine. It took me about three months to complete all the books she sent. Some I have re-read since then. I can honestly say that those books gave me such a boost. A boost I so desperately needed. To think so much joy could be gained by simply reading! Now whenever aunt Heather recommends a book, I run out and get it as fast as I can, as I know I can depend on her to suggest a good read.

Reading these kinds of books reminds me of someone making a map on a journey for someone else to follow someday. When I read how other people have overcome the most desperate circumstances in their lives is like a guide for me of what to not do. You can learn a lot from other people’s mistakes if you are willing to learn. That’s what reading has done for me. You can also gain a lot of strength when you read books that help you love yourself and learn to find your own path in life.

I spent 7 years of my life reading and preaching from the Bible. And I am not here to insult or abuse the respect the Bible deserves; this is all from my personal experience. But I have gained more knowledge and insight and wisdom from these other books than I have from the bible. I have learned to truly love myself and be a better person. It is my belief that all of us are capable of greatness, it’s just that some of us need a little help from external sources every now and then to reach our full potential. Reading helps us reach that inner voice we all have, most of us refer to it as our “voice inside”, and helps properly train it to make us into compassionate, loving humans. Knowledge itself is not power, but when knowledge turns to wisdom after we learn to apply what we learn, that’s power!

I am so grateful to the authors who have helped me find myself again. I feel so alive because of these great titles that have lifted my spirit and strengthened my soul. I will forever be a reader now, as I have witnessed firsthand that it has the power to change your life and change you as a person.

I have also been privileged enough to affect others with my own writing. I will never get used to the kind and loving messages from people about how my journey through this tough world has strengthened them and has encouraged them to press on and push a little harder. After all isn’t that why people write to begin with? In hopes that their words can be of strength to someone else? If it didn’t benefit anyone no one would do it. It would be a waste of time. I write these blogs because it is therapy for me. To get my feelings down on paper, and be able to express myself with words and not have to worry about consequences is an amazing feeling. Better than a therapy session for me. But to know that my pain is helping someone else get through a dark time in their life is more of a blessing really. Because it’s bad enough that people have to go through rotten things, but if something positive can come from it then so much the better.

I look forward to continue reading and continue writing. I plan to do so for the rest of my life. It has enhanced my life so much that I cannot imagine ever giving it up. I need all the strength I need as my transplant draws closer and if that strength can be obtained from books, then bring it on!

I’ll conclude this blog by sharing some great titles for anyone wanting a good read;

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway Susan Jeffers, Ph. D
When bad things happen to good people Harold S. Kushner
Man’s Search for meaning Victor E. Frankl
SixtyFive Roses Heather Summerhayes Cariou
Hope will find you Naomi Levy
Leanring to Fall; Blessings of an imperfect life Philip Simmons

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”
`Ralph Waldo Emerson


Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Celebrate Life!

Celebrate Life!

It’s been in the darkest hours of my life that I have needed to celebrate life. But it’s only recently that I have gotten the courage to do so. What could be more darker to face than death, and that’s what I am about to do as I go through the process of receiving a double lung transplant. Yet, why am I so happy?

We all have different shit going on in our lives. Some of us are ending relationships. Some of us lose loved ones. Some of us are battling cancer. Some have financial difficulties. Whatever the case, we all have something to deal with and neither of us are immune to any of the blows that life throw at us from time to time. I had a conversation recently with a man who had stage 4 lymphoma. He had the kindest smile. When I asked him how some he was so happy and how he was able to be so strong, you know what he said to me? “Because every day I celebrate life!” He told me that we as human beings have the tendency to get so caught up in the day-to-day things in life that we forget to take the time to stop and smell how good that coffee is we are drinking. Or admire the beautiful surroundings nature has to offer, rather than just drive on by. What an attitude!!

I pray that this attitude is one that I can nurture as I move forward. I do consider myself someone who takes the time to enjoy the simple things in life. There is no cost associated with admiring a sunset or smelling flowers at the local park. These simple things in life are what brings the greatest joy. I too have been asked in very recent days how I am able to be so strong and hold it all together despite having so much going on in my life. And the reason is because I just want to celebrate the time I have left and not worry about tomorrow.

I have a tattoo, the first one I ever got with my great friend Shara. It is inside of my right upper arm and it says, “No day but today”. I adapted this way of life from the movie Rent. Have a ‘no day but today’ approach on life has brought me great joy in the past year. What that means to me is, not worrying about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have its own anxieties, its best to focus in the NOW for that is all we have control over. And added to that, tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us. So why should we waist any of our time worrying about things that may never happen?

Truth is, I’m scared to death to get my lung transplant. I think anyone who tells you otherwise going through this process is liar! lol It’s scary stuff! It’s not every day you are faced with having to get your rib cage cut in two, and then have your lungs hauled out of you in exchange for foreign ones. But when I think about the alternative, dying without at least trying to live, it saddens me. That’s why I am doing this. I am not ready to throw in the towel. I truly believe in my soul that I am destined to do something here on this earth that I don’t know yet. But I wanna be here to find out.

When Velvet offered to hold a fundraising event for me, I knew I had to think of a great name. Something that I can stand behind. “CELEBRATE LIFE” was actually the first and only thing that came to my mind. I knew that I would get a lot of support and I wanted a theme that reflected a positive attitude and bright outlook for the future. I hope all who join Perry and I truly get that spirit there tomorrow night as we dance the night away. It’s going to be so overwhelming for me to see all the support from the community, from strangers and from friends and family, all dressed in black and white! The support is just so touching to me and gives me such motivation on this journey.

How do you say thank-you to people who donate their time and a little bit of their money to help save your life?………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. there are no words I can find that even come close to what I want to say. It’s like I wish there were stronger words than thank-you I could use to express to you all for joining me and showing fellow feeling and love to me. But I do want to take this time to make you all a promise. And now you will have it in writing. I promise that when I come out of the surgery, I will make you all proud. I vow to use my life for the good and to do something in this world to make a difference. I vow to continue to live each day as if it were my last and to be a good person to my fellow humans. I promise to continue to be me.

I cannot tell you all how much I am looking forward to this event. It is going to be so much fun and a night I will take with me in my heart forever. Because at the end of the day, that’s all I’ve ever really wanted in my life, to be surrounded by friends who love each other and have a good time. Until then….

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

I forgive....myself.

I forgive…..myself.

There is one thing that I pride myself on, and that is the ability to forgive. I believe that holding grudges and resentments towards people takes too much energy and can rob us of much joy to be had in this life. Make no mistake, I am not saying that I am a doormat and that you can hurt me a million times, but if someone shows genuine remorse over something they have done to us, should we not forgive?

My father is a different man today than he was back then, and I have come to move on and accept my past and leave it there, in the past. What’s done is done and none of us poses the power to go back and change anything. So I have just choses to accept that my father had limitations to showing love, as he learned from his own upbringing, and that deep down in his heart I know that he loved and still does love me. I am so glad that I forgave him and let go of all the anger than used to consume my life, because now I can be around him and learn who my father truly is and reap the benefits of giving someone another chance.

I sincerely do forgive my mother for her unwise decision to smoke around me all my life despite having a life threatening illness that effect the lungs. In recent days she has done things that I will never understand yet, I forgive her but will not allow myself to be hurt any longer. Forgiveness doesn’t mean putting up with unacceptable behavior. It means that we learn to let go of negative karma we have in our souls yet allows us to be cautious to future attacks of coldness.

I forgive the hundreds of Jehovah’s Witnesses who have turned their backs on me for being a homosexual. I never thought that people who claimed to love me so much would ever turn their back on me because of whom I chose to go to sleep with at night. I understand their hurt over my leaving Alicia, but to embrace a life and be truly happy, I don’t think anyone has the right to not like that. I had to lose several friends and loved ones because of my choice to come out, but in the end it’s the people who love me and truly want me to be happy that I still have left by my side.

I learned recently through a wise soul that there is one person that I do not have the ability to forgive and I was made to realize that I hold a lot of resentment toward this person. Can you guess who it is? Me. I never even thought of the concept of self-forgiveness until a friend of mine brought it to my attention that I am constantly rehashing my past mistakes and allowing it to shape the decisions of my future. I am able to free others of the burden of being in my ‘bad books’ yet my name still covers the pages.

I know I wasn’t the perfect child. I made a lot of mistakes. I was very spoiled and I knew it. My two sisters often felt that I was treated better and they were 100% accurate. I was always favored by my mother because of my illness. And she had to give me a lot more attention because of my physical care needs as a child. But I did get out of hand on several occasions. The first big mistake I recall making was when I was 15. I really wanted whitening toothpaste and the new ‘clicky’ pencils that just came out. So, when me and mom and my aunt were at Sobeys I stole them. And guess what, I got caught. I am thankful that I did as I wonder if I would have continued to steal as a way of getting what I wanted. It’s only been recently that I have forgiven myself for that. I always feel like everyone is watching me when I go into a store, even after all these years. I haven’t stole a thing since. But it was something that I harped on myself for, for a very long time. It’s only been in recent years that I have let go of the fact that I made that mistake.

I had a real hard time this time last year preparing to leave my ex-wife, as I felt that it would be my fault if her life remained unfulfilled after I left. I had to learn that I was not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. I am so happy to hear that she is doing well these days and is very happy. It makes my heart soar. But I still blame myself for getting into that situation in the first place. Had I had the courage to embrace my true self right from the beginning and when I was taught that homosexuality was wrong from someone’s perspective from the bible I should have defended the fact that I was born this way. I don’t regret marrying her. We shared some of the most beautiful moments in my life. However I could have spared a lot of hurt had I just been open and honest, not just with myself, but with the world. But I have learned to forgive myself for that. I am a much better person now, a different person. Someone who loves himself and respects himself to know that I cannot change the past, just try and be a better person as I move forward.

Then there was the issues with my mom. I used to lie a lot you see. I used lying in my previous life as a coping mechanism. Therefore I began to lie in every aspect of my life, not just to cover up my true identity from the world. That cost my mom a lot of heartache and it was some of the darkest days of my life. I felt so bad for causing someone so much pain and upset that it was one of the reasons I turned suicidal. But everyone has to face the truth eventually, and lies only last for so long. So when the truth came out, and I came out, I vowed not anyone else but to myself, no more lying. I have learned the hard way that telling the truth is much easier, no matter how difficult it may seem at the time. Lying only brings on my problems. But when you tell the truth you are able to find solutions. I learned this the most of course when I embraced my sexuality. But I have made an effort to correct things with my mom and I have learned to let go of what I did. The reality is we are all human and we all make mistakes. I had to stop making myself out to be an evil person.

I could go on and on about the mistakes I have made over the years, in fact I could write a book. But these ones were some of the major ones that I have done in my life. And I am only discussing them in hopes of helping someone else let go of self-resentment. Again, no one on this earth is perfect. Some may claim to be but they are living in a fantasy world. And some make more serious mistakes than other, but they are still mistakes. I am still learning to truly love myself and in doing that I am learning to forgive ME. I cannot hold a burden in my heart against myself for all the wrong things that I have done in my life. I just don’t have the energy nor the time for that. But when we learn to let go of feeling that we are not good enough, we become better people. Better husbands, better children, better siblings – better people!

What’s done is done. I cannot ask someone for forgiveness if I first cannot forgive myself. That would be like asking for a loan and never being able to pay it back. So the next time forgiveness is needed towards someone else, make sure you love yourself enough to forgive you.

“My past mistakes have been laid to rest
 Now there is only room for happiness”
 ~ Shania Twain

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis

"I Know What Love Is" - Celine Dion

“I Know What Love Is” – Celine Dion

As I reflect and look back on where I am today, I see that it is only by having love in my life that I was able to withstand the blows of bad things that have happened to me in my life.

As a child you never want to admit to yourself let alone else that your family isn’t what you would call perfect. But I knew mine was far more dysfunctional than anyone else I knew. Arguing and fighting was second nature in our home and often resulted in me taking the brunt of it from my father. But even after the most brutal attacks, my mother was always there, ready to wrap her arms around me and make me feel safe once again.

Love as an action has the ability to perform the most amazing things. It sparks emotions in human to do the most generous things; taking a trip to Africa to build houses and schools for the poor, abandon a vehicle to jump in a river and help a dog, even taking time to visit old people in the hospital who have no family. I could go on and on with how we can and have expressed love to others, but the point I want to make from this entry is to just do it.

It’s been in my darkest hours that I have needed, and then received the love from a fellow human being. But it would have never happened if they hadn’t just done it! We need to take the initiative in this world to make it a better place, and what better way to do that then by showing love to others. And the best thing about love is that it is a universal language that we can all speak and communicate with one another.

I was having a really rough day recently with all of this transplant stuff catching up on my emotions, and I got a message from someone I never even knew. Telling me that it is by my struggle and my writing this blog that they have decided that they too were going to continue their fight against this stupid disease. Little did he know that I was having a really rotten day that day. When the universe calls, LISTEN!

What I am learning to do these days is to express love to those who show little to no love for me. It is very hard, and I am not saying that I am allowing myself to be a doormat. But I have learned from the wise that we cannot expect things from others that we first do not expect from ourselves. It’s like expecting someone to take a bath because they stink but yet we haven’t showered for the past year! It’s just that simple. And the thing about love is that it doesn’t have to be shown in lavish, expensive ways. It’s the little things that mean to most to most folks I believe. Holding the door for a stranger, even if he looks like a hard case. Buying someone Tim’s in the line ahead of you just because. It doesn’t have to be a million dollar mansion with a car included. Those are unrealistic ways in which we can change the world. But we can start by being nicer to each other by showing little acts of love.

Back in February, I had myself convinced that this was the end of my fight with CF. I thought my body had had enough and it was time to give up. Then the most amazing thing happened; love knocked on my door. Perry walked in as his oh-so-fabulous self as I lay in my bed, a whopping 117 pounds, curled up under a blanket looking as if there were only bones underneath. I hadn’t showered in probably three days and looks like something to be pitied. Well, we fell in love that day. At the end of that visit, he insisted on coming back to see me. And he did. The following weekend he spent the night in my hospital room. Cuddled into me, with no sexual intentions at all, just wanted to be there to hold me so I wasn’t alone. This soon became a regular thing and it’s unique that I can tell people I feel in love with Perry in a hospital. He visited me every weekend for the next two months. Never missed one. He’s been to every doctor’s appointment. Never missed one. And he is there for every bad day that I have these days. He never misses one.

I’ve never told anyone this until now, but I know in my heart and in my soul it was Perry’s love that kept me alive through this past sick period of my life. I do not doubt it one bit. The Power of Love can even save someone’s life and I believe it has. And the fact that that man is willing to jump on this train with me that is leading to God knows where, speaks not only for the type of person he is, but how much he loves me. I asked him recently I said, “Babe, why are you putting yourself through all this?” He said, “Jamie, no one deserves to be alone, and especially someone like you who has to go through so much. And besides, you keep forgetting, I’m the one who gets to see the ‘healthy’ you at the other side! And you know what babe, if something does go wrong and we don’t see eachother again after your surgery, I will know what it feels to truly love someone and be loved in return. Oh, and did I mention, YOUR WORTH IT!”
~ That’s the power of love.

I have experienced a lot of love in my life. None that I take for granted because it is too precious and is too dear to me to ever let go. But especially now that I have started on this new road to getting a double lung transplant. The response from complete strangers has been the most humbling thing I have experienced in my entire life. And it just keeps coming! I’m looking forward to continued love and support because I know it will be there, all around me.

I have also realized that not everyone is capable for showing this admirable trait. Some are to wounded by there own troubles and trials in life to extend that kind of feeling. So I know that there will be those that I will have to lose during this process and I will have to realize some harsh realities of who my true supporters and friends are. It’s a hard pill to swallow but one that I am learning to just accept and not get angry over. I need to save all my energies for what lies ahead, I need not worry and fret over what other people feel or say about me.

So the next time the opportunity is given where you have the chance to show someone love, regardless of what the form, just do it. You have no idea what it will mean to the receiver. And again, nothing fancy or elaborate….just love. We all have a beautiful reason for being here, or else this whole “life” business would be pretty pointless. So don’t fight with the universe when the call comes. Perry didn’t, and I am so eternal thankful for that!
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
~Lao Tzu

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis

To Perry.

“I know what love is” – Celine Dion
I was forgotten
Until you called my name
Lost in the shadows
Until you shined your light my way
Now I believe again
In all my dreams again
I'm wide eyed and innocent
Those doubting days
Are so far away and oh

I will fall
And you will catch me always
Time has taught me this
I will fly
And you'll be there to guide me
Straight up to my heart's highest wish
I feel you close to me
And I know what love is

Now there's no mountain
Too high for me to climb
No ocean so wide
That I could not reach the other side
Now I believe in me
Cause you live and breather in me
And nothing can come between
[- From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/celine-dion-lyrics/i-know-what-love-is-lyrics.html -]
We are one star
No nigh can darken, Oh

I will fall
And you will catch me always
Time has taught me this
I will fly
And you'll be there to guide me
Straight up to my heart's highest wish
I feel you close to me
And I know what love is

It's an unspoken thing
A quiet opening
There are no words that can go that deep
But I know
I know

I will fall
And you will catch me always
Time has taught me this
I will fly
And you'll be there to guide me
Straight up to my heart's highest wish
I feel you close to me
And I know what love is

CELEBRATE LIFE!!

Bullied 2 Brave

Bullied 2 Brave

A thirteen year old boy comes home from school one day. He is so tired of being bullied at school that he gets on his computer and Google’s “How to commit suicide”. He is afraid to tell his mom because she has a lot going on right now, and he feels like he has no one to talk to. He wonders why people at school have to be so mean to him and why they just can’t leave him alone. He doesn’t commit suicide, but thinks about it often until graduation day.

That boy was me.

At that age, it was the first time I ever even thought of the concept of killing myself. Not only did I contend with an alcoholic abusive father until I was 12, but now I had kids at school adding to the mess. The pretty girl who got all the boys…..the jocks who got all the girls…..and then the just plain mean ones who thought they were better than everyone else. These are the people that robbed me of my school years. What should be somewhat enjoyable for kids, turned out to be a living hell for me every day. I never understood and still don’t, why they had to be so cruel. I imagine it was because they got some kind of sick thrill out of bullying other people, and maybe felt ashamed about themselves so they took it out on others. I was fortunate though to find a group of girls in my high school days that took some of that pain away, and provided a safe place for me to belong. I will be forever grateful to those women who I still to this day call my friends.

It was one of the biggest reasons why I feared coming out as a gay man. I would have flashbacks to my childhood and the abuse I had to live with for so long. I never wanted that again, who would? But I knew that there would be brighter days ahead, just as when I left the school system and that I would somehow rise against the hatred in people’s hearts.  But I did it. I came out. And it has been harder than I ever imagined it would be. The impolite stares from people, the hate messages you receive from religious folk who tell me I am going to rot in hell for my unnatural life style. And family members who seem to have less time for me now that I have embraced my true self. It’s been a struggle not to let all this break me down, but though times have been hard, I have never felt so free. And I refuse to let the ignorance of others conform me to a lifestyle that they would chose I live. I just try to live my life the best way I know how, and be real about it.

I always said when I was younger I was going to do greater things and rise above the insults and the abuse I relentlessly accepted by others. As Ellen DeGeneres says; “My haters are my motivators”. And she is right! The hateful people I have had and still have give me the fuel  I need to keep going and be a better person.
It has been my CF as well that has given me grief over the years in regards to being bullied. Because people didn’t want to take the time to understand why I was sick, they picked on me instead. I was always labeled as ‘the sick boy’ and never really fit in because I took medication at recess and lunch. And because I had to take puffers during class and would often need to just get out of class to get some fresh air. If your not ‘perfect’ like everyone else in the world, then you are labeled as being different and often the subject of conversation like you were on an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

I’ve always lived my life by the principle my mother teaching me, to ‘do on to others as you would have done to yourself’. And I never retaliated either, partly because though I was in grade 9 I looked like someone who should have been in grade 6. It was hard though, not to get up and smack those mean people upside the head and beg them to leave me alone. Even today when someone upsets me or does something that resembles how I was treated I get short tempered and often lash out rather than not say anything at all. Bullies I have learned only continue when they know its bothering you, therefore if you don’t let it bother you they lose their power to hurt. It such a struggle though, to not retaliate. It’s one of the things I am working on most these days. Because the people who matter don’t mind, and the ones who mind don’t matter. Agree?

So what have I done about it. Well I have made peace with some high school bullies and let them know how they made me feel, and to my surprise all have apologized and have felt great remorse over the way they acted and treated people. It has kind of mended the wounds a little and brought closure to that part of my life. Today, I have refused to let anyone who doesn’t accept me for me into my life, that way I am keeping clear of the poison that they release into my life. I reach out to young ones who I know are bullied and try and lend a helping hand as I wish someone did for me when I was going through that painful time in my life. I try and educate people about CF and how though we are ill, we are still normal and do not deserve to be picked on because of something we have no control over. And lastly I promote gay right, as I do not think any religion, sect or denomination has the right to frown upon how someone else is choosing to live their life. Being gay is not a choice. After all who would choose to be abused, and hated so much in this world all because of your sexual orientation which in the end is nobody’s business but your own. I stand up for myself whenever I feel hatred now. Just last weekend Perry and I were visiting his brother and their family in the park, and upon entering the park there was a young brat on the side of the road who said “Hey Faggot!” Well, I slammed on the brakes, put the car in reverse and gave that child a good fright. I hope he thinks twice the next time he decides to disrespect someone like that again.

I always try and look at the good through all the bad as well, and I believe that being bullied has made me a more compassionate person. I often feel sad for people who have no one to talk to about this major issue that we have in our society. There is Kids Help Phone which I called more than once let me tell you, but it’s not the same as having a real human being to talk to and discuss what is weighing so heavily on your mind and heart.

So there you have it. I’m a free spirit now and I do not accept unacceptable behavior any longer. I am proud of who I am. I am thankful for those who have continued by my side and enrich my life with beauty and grace. Choosing to decide how we react to people’s negativity is a great gift that God has given us. And while I await a world where bullying does not exist, I am going to move forward and help as many as I can in their fight to be who they were born to be.

"I've been actually really very pleased to see how much awareness was raised around bullying, and how deeply it affects everyone. You know, you don't have to be the loser kid in high school to be bullied. Bullying and being picked on comes in so many different forms."
~Lady Gaga

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo