Another lesson I’ve learned the hard way is that we as human beings do not have to surround ourselves with negative people. It shocked me how much it affected me physically.
A wise man once told me that ‘we become like those with whom we associate’. Very few words ever spoken to me have proven more true. I became a people pleaser in my young adulthood and accepted everyone and anyone who came into my life. I felt that my life would be enriched by having as many friends as possible. And for the most part, that was true.
But amongst the group there always seemed to be the “Debbie downers”. Whenever you were in their company you couldn’t wait for it to be over, and when they finally did leave, you felt exhausted. Even going to doctor’s appointments, for years I faced a doctor I hated, who always made me feel worse and would always say, “Oh, well your gonna die anyway”. I accepted that for the longest time. And she has a huge influence on my life, and NOT a positive one I may add. In fact when I found out she was leaving, I actually threw a party. I mean, what doctor does that? A doctor should care for you unconditionally, and should always be positive and help you overcome any obstacle you may face. I have no ill will towards here, but I am so thrilled with the fact that she is miles away, never to hurt me again.
Then I had even family who were negative. As I mentioned in previous blogs, I had enough to deal with as a child and young adult, I really expected to rely on my family for support. But often times I found that really difficult to do. My mother always seemed so busy, tending for three precious children, I often didn’t feel comfortable burdening here with my issues. Also, where she was a smoker, I often felt she really didn’t ‘get’ my illness and understand my needs. I remember friends in as early as junior high being very confused as to why my mother smoked around me, when I had a lung disease. It must be stated that my mother took VERY good care of us kids, in fact, I often wonder to this day how she got through what she has been through. She is a super Mom. One of my hero’s.
Then there was my father. He being an alcoholic, for the most part my memories with him are not the greatest. I’m a big believer that how you are raised has a direct impact on how you will raise. And I am not making excuses for him, but he grew up in an alcoholic home, and had parents who were unable to show love. I do have some positive memories, like going swimming every Saturday and camping. Going to the park and spending lots of time outdoors in the winter time was my favorite. But my father was very abusive. More than anyone would like to admit. At the age of 9, I wrote my mother a letter and stated very plainly that she had a choice. Dad, or me. She very quickly packed up me and my little sister and took us to Ontario. Shortly after though, my Mother was put on abduction charges and we were forced to come back to Newfoundland. We were on the news and everything!
I remember one particular incident with my father where I had to through one of those old fashioned heavy ash trays at him and it cracked in two, I hit him so hard. It cut his arm and then I immediately took the other piece and sliced my wrist and ran to a neighbor house and begged them for help. But and my frightened mother twisted the story and was forced back home. Shortly after I remember being in my room listening to music. We were arguing, so I put a chair up in to my door, between the wall and the door, for my safety. Before I knew it, the chair was in pieces, there was a hole in the wall and I was hanging by my neck at the hands of my father. As I cried myself to sleep, I asked God why I had to have CF AND have to grow up this way? I could tell several more stories but I’m trying to keep this blog positive.
Because of fear that I gained from my childhood, I often let bullies have their way when I was in school. I didn’t surround myself with negative people on purpose, but they somehow managed to hurt me. A look going through the halls or a derogatory comment would just suck the life out of me. I owe my survival of school to four amazing girls and I would like to name them. Deborah Hawksley (who continues to be my best friend), Amy Fowler, Ashley Tobin and Rebecca Gillingham. Those POSSITIVE people are why I survived High School and I cannot stress that enough.
Then as I got older, it may sound strange, but having negative people around I think became a sub- conscience need to know that other people have it worse than I do. What I didn’t realize is that it affected me physically and actually caused me to be put on anti-depressants. When I got married my wife was my best friend. She always had a way of turning and rainstorm into a burst of sunshine. She was literally my rock. I tend to be a dramatic person, so she always helped me gain perspective. But her family was very negative. In particular one of her older sisters, and her father. The life always felt taken right out of me whenever they were around. I always felt like I was NEVER good enough and was constantly picked on and looked down on for every single blessed mistake I made. For someone who strongly needed a father figure, it was not what I needed. And then I surrounded myself with people who judged everyone in the world. No one was good enough, unless you were like them. It caused me to have a very negative perception of people. Instead of looking for the good in people, I looked for the negative, that in turn makes you negative.
Finally in my new life I have vowed, NO NEGATIVITY!!!
Life is too short to be around people who don’t make you feel good. And for someone who really does have a lot in life to be negative over, I just don’t need those influences. I believe attitude is contagious, and that if we strive to be positive and a light to the world, we will be rewarded. We will even FEEL better physically. Finding the light in any dark situation has given me a completely new mindset. I remember when I first came out of the closet, I struggled briefly to find acceptance and feel wanted again, and I was overwhelmed by the amount of people who expressed their forever love, regardless of my sexual orientation. I lost hundreds of friends, but the ones I’ve gained – are REAL friends. Friends that I know will be there at the end of the day, rain or shine.
Coming to
terms with a troubled past has also given me peace and positivity.
So the next time your with people, ask yourself, “Do these people make me feel good or bad? Do they help me see light in situations, or do they constantly focus on the darkness? Am I better person because I know them?” Don’t wait 25 years like I have to set yourself free from bad attitudes! And look in the mirror and remind yourself, “You are worthy!” No matter if it’s family, friends that you’ve had for years or just people you feel you ‘need’ to be around, get away from the poison. You actually will “breathe” easier!!
“Negativity is an addiction to the bleak shadow that lingers around every human form ... you can transfigure negativity by turning it toward the light of your soul.” JOHN O'DONOHUE
XoSo the next time your with people, ask yourself, “Do these people make me feel good or bad? Do they help me see light in situations, or do they constantly focus on the darkness? Am I better person because I know them?” Don’t wait 25 years like I have to set yourself free from bad attitudes! And look in the mirror and remind yourself, “You are worthy!” No matter if it’s family, friends that you’ve had for years or just people you feel you ‘need’ to be around, get away from the poison. You actually will “breathe” easier!!
“Negativity is an addiction to the bleak shadow that lingers around every human form ... you can transfigure negativity by turning it toward the light of your soul.” JOHN O'DONOHUE
Jamie Leigh Fransis
