Bucket List

Bucket List

- save someone’s life
- swim with dolphins
- fall in (genuine) love, and get married
- become an uncle
- visit Las Vegas and see Celine
- be a hero
- start a business
- record an album
- climb a mountain just to say I did
- be in a movie
- write a book

Breaking Point



March 2012

Breaking Point

I think everyone at some point in their lives have a breaking point, or a time when they hit rock bottom and cannot go on anymore. I have had quite a few….

Growing up in an alcoholic home was no place for a child. I spent a lot of my childhood in fear; fear of the next beating, fear of pissing someone off and having to suffer the consequences. I’m not going to get into details again about the abuse I had to suffer, I have already done that in past blogs. This is merely to highlight the breaking point I had. You see, at a young age, I knew that I deserved better. I knew my mother deserved better as well. So I decided it was time to write her a letter. I wonder sometimes if my life would have gotten better if I had not written the letter to my mom. The letter stated pretty much that I was tired and that it was time for her to make a choice. Did she want to stay with an abusive husband, or take us kids from the home away from the abuse. Those were her options. And I made it very clear, even at the tender age of 9 that I was leaving with or without her. I had reached a breaking point.

Luckily, she chose to leave. So, my younger sister, me and my mom packed up our things literally overnight and mom drove us to Ontario. It was a new adventure for us, a new start. Sadly though, it didn’t last long. Because my mother had gotten misinformation from the law system here in Newfoundland we had to return, as my mother was accused of abducting us kids from my father. The justice system is so messed up! I’m grateful that she only took Dad back once after this occasion and eventually decided to leave him for good. They have been divorced since I was 12.

You would think I had the perfect life, looking at me from the outside when I was married to my wife. Had a nice home, a nice car and a decent lifestyle. But inside I was crying in pain and agony; a constant war within myself. Of course everything is beautiful when you’re looking through rose colored glasses, but if those around me only knew the anguish I was having every single day. My wife was a beautiful soul to live with. We had many a great moments together. But there was always something missing. I’ve known I was gay since a very early age, but religion got in the way and almost cost me my life. I came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe God doesn’t like the fact that I am a homosexual. And I tried, God knows I tried for 7 long years to fight it. But, I came to the conclusion that I think he would rather I live the life I believed he meant for me to live than to end my life all together. Nobody in their right mind would CHOSE to be gay. We experience so much hatred and percussion, why would anyone want that? It’s a choice God made for us when he created us. A choice that I had to learn not to be ashamed of and rather, embrace. But it took going down that long, dark road for me to be able to have seen the light. It took me almost ending my life to learn to accept the one I was truly meant to live. It was another breaking point.

But the hardest breaking point I can honestly say I have had was the one I experienced this past hospitalization. Sometimes you just get so tired of fighting. People with CF fight every damn day just to try and stay alive. Again looking from the outside things appear to be just peachy. Looking at someone with CF, you can’t really tell there is anything wrong, that’s one of the things I hate about the disease. But inside, you are drowning. I had been sick for so long and every time the doctor would come in there was just always more bad news. I felt so alone, and often wondered were my past religious ideals correct; was God really punishing me for leaving what I thought was the true religion. All of this was playing on my mind. Then it happened, my breaking point. It was the longest day in my life, and I swear I could have filled a local arena with the tears I cried. I just wanted to die. I was tired. My body was tired. Every facet of my being was just so tired. I honestly thought my body was done. And that’s the thing about breaking points. You think you are finished, but it’s at those moments in life you discover just how truly strong you are. Because I did a lot of thinking that day. And I came to the conclusion that I could let this destroy me, sure. And it probably wouldn’t take that long. OR. I could actually continue to fight. Fight for all those who couldn’t fight, my friends who have lost their battle far too early. So that’s what I did and am continuing to do.

No one chooses to have breaking points in their life, life just hands them to us. Often times we as human beings are reminded just how insignificant we really are, and yet how powerful we can be. And each of my times of weakness taught me that. That no matter how hopeless a situation seemed at the time, there was always a way out. I didn’t see it in that very moment, but when I just renewed my faith a little and pressed forward and carried on, that’s when the miracles start happening. Each one of those occasions made me so much stronger for future battles I would encounter in life.

I see people today, living their lives so luxuriously and full of wealth and material things, and I just find it so sad. Because they do not know what it is like to be bottomed out, to feel like the world is going to end. And these are the people who will fall off the wagon when a loved one of theirs gets a bad diagnosis. See that’s the beauty in pain, it hardens you and makes you stronger. When we as humans encounter trials in our life and learn ways to rise above it, that’s where true strength lies. No amount of money can give you that!

So the next time you are feeling down and out, and just can’t take it anymore, perhaps you are on the verge of having a breaking point. And after that breaking point, something beautiful awaits you. A realization that you are stronger than you’ve ever imagined and that no situation is too hopeless for you to tackle, head on with full force. Or at least that’s what happened for me. There is good in everything. We just need to learn to see it!

I can’t say if I will have any more rock-bottom moments in my life. But I do know that I am ready. My past has prepared me for my future. I know in my heart that there is going to be harder moments ahead, but I feel powerful and ready to take them on. And I truly believe that having Perry, the love of my life by my side, I can take on the world. His support and endless love has been one of the greatest blessings I have been given in my life.

Don’t give up!
You can do this!

“ Whether you think you can or  
   whether you think you can't,
   you're right."
~ Henry Ford

Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Strange Disease

Strange Disease

Adjustment making, that’s a big key when it comes to having Cystic Fibrosis. Our bodies change all the time, so it’s normal for us to try a new med, or a different form of physio. But what I am really finding hard to adjust to, is this ‘healthy stage’ I’m going through, because I feel FAT!

As I mentioned before in another blog, CF affects the lungs and digestive system. Most often in people with CF, their bodies work so hard to keep their lungs working somewhat normally that it requires so much energy from the food we eat, which then means we aren’t gaining the proper weight we need. So being ‘small’ is something I have just gotten used to. Besides one other in high school, it was quite obvious that there was something wrong with me. I still am small framed and not what you consider ‘big’ by no means. In fact for the very first time ever in my life, my weight is exactly where my CF Team wants me to be! But you have to understand for someone who is used to looking like he has anorexia, having any extra weight on feels, not uncomfortable, but hard to get used to. I’m used to looking in the mirror and being able to count how many ribs I have. These days, the only thing I’m counting is how many months pregnant I look after I finish one of Perry’s mothers delicious home cooked meals!

Now, I’m not complaining either! I feel so healthy that it scares me these days. But it’s just hard to adjust sometimes. You spend your whole life being compared to a toothpick and now all of a sudden people are shocked to learn that I have this terrible disease because I look so healthy! I remember when my older sister started losing weight, she too had an adjustment to make in feeling healthier and slim. So it works both ways!

Fitness is something that is very important to people with CF. And I don’t think the CF community is properly educated on it. I was taught until I got a good doctor who knows what he is talking about, that we need to eat all the fat we can, all the grease we can, all the carbs we can…..FOOD FOOD FOOD! EAT IT! Our body doesn’t break down the fats the same as a normal body so most of us, like myself, can eat a pound of bacon every morning and not have to worry about cholesterol or gaining any weight. In fact my doctor recently put it this way to me. He said, “Jamie, your one of very few people who can sit down and eat whatever you like and not have to worry about anything! In fact, if you want to have a feed of fish and chips, dressing and gravy before bed, go right ahead!” So you see, it’s a totally different lifestyle than normal. But what I didn’t know until I did my own research is just how important it is to exercise.

I was so tired of always being the skinny one. I thought I would start going to the gym. I read many articles from people with CF that talked about how great they felt after working out that I thought I must give this a try. So, I went. And it was hard at first. 5 pound weights, felt like a hundred. But as I kept going I started noticing results. Not only was I getting lean muscle, but my breathing improved. I then asked my physiotherapist why I noticed the difference and she explained to me that it’s because I am raising my heart rate which carries blood faster and more efficiently through the body which brings oxygen to areas of my lungs which most likely have not been reached before. So not only was I getting the body I wanted, but I was also helping my lungs too. Especially now where I am preparing my body for a lung transplant, it’s so important to keep my body fit and working in good order. Because when we get new lungs, we still have the same body, so it’s important to keep the vessel in good condition for the new lungs to go into.

I have been a bad boy since I have been out of hospital, I haven’t gone to the gym not once since I got out in April. But in a way I am kind of glad. It allowed me to give my body a break and to pack on a few extra pounds which I can now turn into lean muscle. Perry is such a support as well. Even though we don’t go to the gym, we walk regularly around the harbor here where we live, which has no doubt helped me get to where I am.

I would advise anyone reading this with CF to have a strong work out/ exercise routine that includes some cardio but mostly weight lifting and strength training. I am a million percent confident that you will feel better! It has given me so much more energy as well. I was tired all the time and couldn’t get enough strength to do anything before. Now I’m like something who needs to take a pill to calm down! And the great thing about working out is, while you’re helping the inside of your body which is more important, but you are also getting a great body outside! I mean who doesn’t like to see a man with a six pack, nice pecks and great looking arms? I SURE DO! Lol

So there ya have it! My latest dilemma! Getting used to looking healthy! However, with all the positive feedback, I think it’s something that will grow on me. :)

“Happiness lies first of all in health.”
~ George William Curtis

Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

"Thank-You"



Today

February 2012

Thank-You

There is no words in Webster’s dictionary that would allow me to express my gratitude for so much and for so many over the past year. This blog is going to go down to the core of my being, and reach deep into my soul to express to you all just how grateful I am. I’ve said in a previous blog that it is my belief that gratitude is the key to real, genuine happiness on our journey here on earth. It turns out my theory must be accurate.

When I look back on when my new life began, talking to my big sister, Kayla and my Aunt Heather about coming out and expressing to them my fear of how I was going to be judged, how I was afraid to find love again and afraid that I would hate my new life worse than my old one, I can’t imagine there being two greater people at that moment to convince me that I was worth it. It was those moments of their reassurance that I look back on as pivotal moments that changed my path in life and has led me on this new journey.
Thank you so very much to you big sis and to you Aunt Heather. You both have helped me in so many ways over the last year, in ways that I don’t think either of you comprehend. There will never be anything I could do to repay what has been given, for you both have saved my life.

Then my family accepted me with open arms. I learned that at the end of the day, the ones that really truly loved me and respected me were the ones in whom I could depend. I feel overwhelmed with joy because of the acceptance I have experienced within my family and the community. It is all of you that continue to give me the strength and encouragement I need to move forward every day.

I have been told by a few doctors that Cystic Fibrosis is one of the worst diseases out there because it affects your whole being. Your mind, your body even the core of who you are as a person is affected by this terrible disease. And I am not going to lie to you, this road has been rough at times and I have even written myself off a few times because I was so down and out. However, the love that I experience everyday via text message, e-mail or Facebook, has helped me so much on my journey and has helped me arrive at the beautiful place in which my life rests at this very moment. In March when I was in the hospital fighting for my life, there was a fundraiser started on Facebook to help me purchase a laptop, the very laptop in which I am using right now that allows me to share my thoughts and feelings with you all. I was stunned, in only two days we raised one thousand dollars. It may have been a material ‘thing’, but it has opened a door to the world for me to be able to express the constant emotional ups and downs that come with my illness. It was such a touching act of support for me, and every time I get on my laptop I cannot help but think of the love that is reflected in my bright orange computer!

When I received the news yesterday that the bug that has been growing in my lungs that has been trying to destroy me has now vanished from my body, I was absolutely stunned. Perry laughed at me because I was just staring into space for the longest time trying to digest just what the doctor was saying to me. All my fears and anxieties over what was going to unfold as my treatments continued suddenly vanished and I could not believe that I, Jamie Chafe, had overcome yet another detrimental trial in my life. It filled me with so much joy that I burst into tears. Perry and I spent last evening celebrating the news and pondering over just how precious life is and can be.
Perry has been the absolute rock to me in all of this. From the moment he met me back in February in the hospital, he has been nothing but committed to helping me overcome anything my life choses to throw my way. That man has made me feel more love than I am willing to bet people feel in a lifetime. Every day he does something that reassures me that I am on the right track and that I am meant to be where I am – in his arms. He doesn’t look at me as a diseased person, but rather someone with obstacles, like everyone else. Perry has added what was missing in my life for so long, real genuine love. The kind of love I only thought existed in fairytales. Well, this is my fairytale and I am loving every minute of it.
Perry, I truly believe in my heart and soul that your love and support is the very reason why I was able to beat this infection. You have given me a reason to be excited about life and a reason to be excited for each new day I am given. I was never a believer in the whole ‘soul mate’ thing, but I am a believer now. I Love You Perry with every beat in my heart. And I can’t wait to see where our next chapter brings us.

I know that I have mentioned religion here a few times, and I personally don’t know what I believe in anymore when it comes to a religious stand point, but I do believe in God. And I cannot complete this blog without thanking him for his continued source of strength I receive through prayer and his constant guidance I feel when making decisions.

The road ahead is not going to be easy. CF is a progressive disease, which means that I am still going to need my transplant. But the fact that it now doesn’t need to consume my mind and body is amazing and I can continue to make goals for myself to achieve. And, I am still going to need the support from all of you! Fundraising is soon going to start to help raise money for my transplant and I cannot express to you my gratitude I feel already in knowing that I WILL raise the money I need, and it’s with all your help. I have never been one who likes asking people for money, but someone said something to me a while back and I cannot get it out of my mind. They said, “How else do we allow other human beings to express compassion, if we do not ask for help?” And that’s the way I am looking at it. Because all the money in the world can put a price on a life, but the fact that a second chance is open to me is amazing. I will keep you all updated on fundraising efforts when they begin.

I could spend all day here thanking individuals for their love and encouragement. I hope you know who you are and that my gratitude is unable to be expressed in any blog I could ever right. For now, just know that there is a young man in Clarenville Newfoundland, who is so grateful for your love. Who is reminded every day that I am loved for who I am and that no road in this world, will I need to travel alone. I always end my blog with a quote, but I think it’s appropriate for this blog to just finish by saying;

“Thank-You”

Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

What I want to leave behind

What I want to leave behind

Today while driving I had another one of my epiphanies. I was thinking of how I know so many people with CF and others who have illnesses or diseases and we tend to value life more than people who don’t know they are ‘dying’. It’s not even that we value it more, it’s that we are not given a choice of when our time will end, granted none of us are. But in a realistic, play as you go type of world, we know that we do not have a ‘normal’ timeframe.

If only we could all live life achieving a quality of life, over a quantity. There is so much out there in now in magazines and on T.V. about how this will make you stay young forever, and that will help you be healthy and fit until your 100. However there isn’t much about how you should live your life. We focus so much on the amount of years we live that we lose sight of how important it is to fill the years we have with what truly matters most.

The reality is that any one of us could die from a random cause at any moment. Here in Newfoundland a lot of young people have been dying lately from accidents and unfortunate events. And I bet neither one of them ever thought that it would have happened. For me, I know I have CF and that realistically I do not expect to live into my 80’s or 90’s, but should I not focus more on what I do in the years I do have and will have, rather than on the actual goal of getting to those milestone ages? When people die they often say at their funeral what kind of person they were, and how they lived their life and what happened in the years that did have. They don’t give a speech about what they could have done if………

This is why I’ve decided I want to change my mindset. I am no longer concerned that I may not live as long as the next person, what I am more concerned about is the amount of living I do while I am alive. We are given one life to live and we only go this way once. So I thought, why waste time worrying about the fact that I have an illness, something in which I have no control over, rather focus on the blessings that this has given me. I love the fact that I am able to show compassion. A little while ago, back in the spring there was a man in a wheelchair wheeling himself up the steep hill in which my Mom’s house rested at the top of. It was raining and cold outside and I passed by in the car and was so tormented by the fact that he had this challenge ahead of him and had no one by his side that I pulled the car over, got out in the rain and wheeled the man up the hill to his home. The man was so taken back by the act that he honestly did not know how to say thank you, other than to tell me that my small act of kindness would not soon be forgotten. I’m not telling you all this to boast or brag about what I did, I am telling you because I am grateful that I have this compassion. Having an illness has given me a heightened sense of this human quality and I am so thank-full for it. I at times have to reach out to others and expect them to show that same kindness to me. And I know how rejection feels so I am fully aware and was able to put myself in that man’s shoes.

When they read my obituary, I want them to talk about how I was able to empathize and show compassion for others. I want to have been known for someone who truly lived with no regrets and lived everyday as if it was his last. I want to be known as an honest person, who shared his heart and his home with others, someone who made time to show genuine acts of kindness to those in need. I want to be remembered as a good person. What I am concerned I will be remembered as, is a sick person. I mean, how lame is that! Yes I have Cystic Fibrosis, but that is just a small fraction of who I am. Yes, it’s the very reason I started to blog and am sharing some intimate details of my life with all of you. But, it still is something that I don’t want to be known for. Instead I want to be known as someone who overcame illness and lived life with a great outlook on life.

One of my all-time favorite songs is by Miley Cyrus, “The Climb”.
“There’s always gonna be another mountain
  I’m always gonna wanna make it move
  There’s always gonna be an uphill battle
  Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

  Aint about how fast I get there
  Aint about what’s waiting on the other side
  It’s the climb”

I love the message behind this song and I want to be known for someone who lived his life through that song. Because to me this song is what life is all about. That striving for a goal to ‘live forever’, yet missing the ride along the way. Money is not important to me. A lot of people depend on money and material belongings to help them be identified in society. Sadly most of those people will not know what it is like to truly live. Those people are the ones that will not know what to do with themselves when tragedy knocks on their door because they thought they ‘had it all’. Guess what. Money does not buy life, and no one takes it with them when they go. I am proud to be known as someone with little means and someone who can be happy and content with only life’s simple necessities. Sure, everyone likes nice things, but they are after all only things.

Cystic Fibrosis has robbed me of so much in my life that I cannot afford to let it rob me of the precious joys that I can still have in my life. And as I have stated here in this blog, I have had a very troubled childhood and a few difficult years recently, but the key ingredient is how we chose to overcome our troubles, with triumphs, and how we make the most out of bad situations. Again it’s about attitudes and how we chose to train our mind. The ‘saying YES to life’ approach I have applied in this past year of living has truly given me the best year of my life, even though this past year a lot of crappy stuff has happened. And it’s all because I have made the conscience effort to not allow my mind to go under the positive line that I have drawn in my mind. And anyone who tried to draw me there I quickly squish like a cockroach, not allowing any negative seeds to be planted in my mind.

No fear, that’s how I want to be remembered. No fear to love the way I seen fit. Perry has added the most amazing fuel to my life and I cannot imagine a world where he does not exist. And I want to be known for someone who was willing to grab life by the balls and have the courage to live an authentic life. He truly was my missing puzzle piece and has now made me feel complete.

So the next time it comes to mind or in conversation about a good age to live till, just ask yourself how much living have I really done with the time I have had? Because the answer may surprise you. And if it does then make the changes you need to make to live life with no regrets. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do it; there are footprints on the moon, anything’s possible. NO DAY BUT TODAY!

“A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.” ~ Charles Darwin

Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

CF "TEAM"

CF ‘TEAM’

One of the blessings associated with having Cystic Fibrosis is having a full team of medical professionals that monitor me on a regular basis. I have 2 CF doctors, one CF Nurse, a dietitian, a physio therapist and a social worker and a pharmacist, all in my reach whenever I may need them.

If you have read my blogs, you know that living with Cystic Fibrosis, things are always changing. But over the years the CF Team has been something that has always remained constant, and I have never had to worry about them going anywhere. Since day one, my family has had this team on their side and they have been there through the good times and the bad.

As a child, this team could sometimes seem intimidating and at times annoying. Going through the teenage years, the team could not tell me what to do!! I knew what was best for me and no one could tell me any different. Children and adults have two different teams. One team of experts caring for children under 18, then another to care for adults 18 and above. As I look back on life, I cannot understate how important the ‘team’ make-up was important to my overall health. Though the rolls change from time to time, the team itself has been my ONLY constant since birth. However, never have I felt so grateful and never have I felt so reliant on them as I do now. And it helps that it is my belief we have the best team in pace now that we have ever had.

Dr. Jamie Farrell and Dr. Joe Lockyear
These guys are my two CF ‘leaders’. Both studied and Newfoundland’s very own Memorial University. They have a very fatherly way about them and I’m surprised at that fact that, though I may be gay, I usually tend to like female caregivers better. But these two guys are awesome, very knowledgeable in their field and have nothing but all of our best interests at heart. You can always count on them and they are always a phone call away if anything comes up. And it doesn’t hurt that either of them aren’t bad on the eyes. They have been so supportive and have been a great encouragement to me over the past year with everything I have been through.

Lisa (My dietitian)
Lisa is the first dietician that I have had that actually listens to me. She hears what I like and then is able to work with me to create a plan that fits my needs and her need to make sure I am receiving the best nutrition from my food intake. Not only has Lisa helped me reach my maximum weight, she has proven to be a great friend. Lisa’s job is to make sure and help me maintain a healthy BMI. Contrary to what most people need, CF patients need a high fat, high protein, HIGH EVERYTHING diet. She helps me balance that out as best as I can with healthy choices that make my overall health better. Also at clinic, if there is anything I really need to talk about, it usually ends up in Lisa laps. She is a beautiful woman, and I look forward to seeing her for the next 20 + years.

Stephanie (My physiotherapist)
Stephanie is the one that has been around the longest. She is my drill sergeant. She’s the one who helps me keep my lungs working at their best, always giving me the latest tips about how to manage my health and stay fit. Stephanie is such a light to my life. Whenever I am first admitted to hospital, she’s more of a shrink than a physiotherapist. She knows my body is tired so she’s usually do some percussions on my back and chat with me about life and make sure I haven’t given up. One of the great things I love about her is that while she knows it’s important to stay healthy now, she is always talking about transplant and how I need to prep my body for when that time comes. And she doesn’t baby you, if you aren’t taking care of yourself the way you should be, as she would say; “I still get my pay check”. However, if you have an earnest, sincere desire to live and be healthy, I’m 100% that Steph will do anything in her power to make sure that it happens. She has become a great friend and someone who I can be completely honest with. I love our little chats while she’s beating my back about who’s the top and who’s the bottom in my relationships and all the questions she has about my new lifestyle. Never judging, always supportive of whatever choices I make in my life. But it’s those little moments that help me more than any amount of physio she could ever offer. Those moments where she helps me laugh when I want to cry.

Chyrl (My CF Social Worker)
I haven’t been real close with Chyrl over the years, mostly because of my stubbornness to admit I need help with something. It’s only recently since I came out that I have spoken with Chyrl and she has helped me in many different areas of my life. I know that she is always there whenever I need her.

Jon (My pharmacist)
Jon is the newest member of our team and a great asset I might add. He has been a real help when determining when I should take my medications, helps me find alternatives when I am experiencing any side effect to something and is able to brew a great cocktail of medications to help me feel the best. Lately he has been a greater help with this new bug that I have been growing and has aided in finding the perfect drugs to treat it.

And then there’s….
Karen (CF Nurse Practitioner/ Mother/ Friend)
Karen joined us when Susan left about 2-3 years ago. I was very close to Susan, so I was reluctant when I heard Karen was coming to join us. I really didn’t want to lose Susan and I was worried that Karen would not fill the role that I had become so dependent on as great as Susan had. However, Karen and I have become really close. She is the brains of the whole CF Clinic operation. She’s the one I call when something is wrong and then she gets off the phone and does whatever she needs to do and call whoever she needs to call to ensure that what I have asked for gets done. She deals with all the paperwork and lab tests and sputum samples and appointment times. She is so motherly in her roll and is always there to lend a hand and advice when solicited. She has become closer to me than any of my past CF nurses and is a great asset to the overall health of ALL the CF patients in this province. Karen cares for both the kids and the adults, so even though she is really busy, she always makes time for you. If you need anything at all, Karen will try her best to help. Karen has gone above and beyond her expected duties in her role as the Nurse Co-ordinate with the team as she has aided in helping me love myself for who I am and to not feel guilty about receiving new lungs and a new life. Karen if you are reading this, I hope you know just how much I love you and how much you mean to the CF community! Without your love and support I’m not sure where any of us would be.

So as you can see, though there are many different roles in the CF Clinic, without 1 person it would not be complete. They each have a unique role in maintaining quality health to CF people all across Newfoundland. And this clinic ‘make-up’ is imitated all across the country so that everyone benefits from such a loving, caring and supportive group of great people!

“The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team.”
~John Wooden

Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Finding my own truth

Finding my own truth

Before I get started on this entry, I want to say that this is in no way meant to offend anyone, anywhere, and that this is strictly my opinion.

Ever since I was young, I always longed to have some kind of belief in God. I blamed him for much of the hardships that I had and could never really see myself believing in any kind of creator. Dealing with a terminal illness, you long for answers and some kind of reason why things happen the way they do.

Prior to becoming a Jehovah’s Witness in 2005, I never really had many beliefs. I knew deep down in my heart that there was a God, but never knew who, or what he was. So for the next 6 years I spent every waking second practicing and living in their ways. One thing that I did know for sure from a very early age, was that I was a homosexual. I never imagined as a child growing up, and starting a family with a woman. But when I got involved with religion at the age of 16, they taught me not long after I started studying with them, that God, whom they call Jehovah, does not accept nor approve of a homosexual lifestyle. And upon learning this, putting ‘the fear of God’ in me was an understatement. I somehow managed to burry inside, yet still under the surface of who I was, my feelings toward the same sex.

I was a JW for 2 years before I married my wife. And in panning the wedding I told myself that this was it, this is what God wanted me to do, and at the time I was truly ok with that. I loved her, she was my best friend. I thought that I could someday “pray the gay away”, as they teach. So, I tried to have faith and out of my fear of what other witnesses would say about me being Gay, and even other family members, I tied the knot with a woman. We actually had a pretty good life together. We had our problems, mostly caused by me, but we were happy. But very soon, despite being taught weekly that God does not like, approve nor accept homosexuals, I become like a volcano just waiting to erupt. I was starting to develop a very strong yearning to explore my sexuality and see if I truly was a homosexual. Yet, the little voice from my past always haunted me and caused such mixed emotions that I just crashed.

I learned a lot over those years, but I didn’t learn a lot from the bible. I learned more about humanity and respect, about being true to yourself and to others. Jehovah’s Witnesses strive every day to live life perfectly, but no one is perfect. We all make mistakes and I hated always feeling like I was letting God down by everything I was doing. I always had this mental stigma that I was a big disappointment. This alone caused much depression and sadness.

It may sound strange but I feel closer to God now, than when I was in an organized religion. I’m not exactly sure what my religious beliefs are now, as I have not had a need to go there yet. But what I do know is that God does love me just the way I am, and I will not tolerate anyone who tells me otherwise. The leaders of the JW’s always used to say to me that if I left Alicia to pursue a homosexual lifestyle, then that would be making a choice and that God would not approve of. However, I can assure all of you reading this that being a homosexual is NOT a choice. Why would anyone want to choose to be so hated all around the world, be beaten or spit upon? Why would I choose to become involved with judged group of people who do not get treated equally or have the same basic human rights as a straight person? Why would I choose to live a life of torment, being uncomfortable in my own skin? It is NOT a choice, and anyone who thinks such a thing is obviously not properly educated.

It almost cost me my life to leave Alicia. If I didn’t succeed in taking my life the first time, I would have made sure I did the second. But luckily I reached out to people who taught me to love myself and ACCEPT myself. I reasoned that, if God didn’t approve of my living a homosexual lifestyle he sure wouldn’t approve of me taking my life. So I chose the lesser of two evils. I lost a lot of friends, some that I still yearn to talk to and connect with, but what I have gained I cannot even express here in words. The respect I have for myself now when I look in the mirror. The smile that embraces my face throughout my days for no reason other than pride in what I have accomplished in my life now that I am free to be who I was meant to be. I could go on and on…..

I do not regret any of my past, only that I didn’t have the balls to come out sooner. I believe that the roads we choose to travel bring us to a better place and that the things we learn along the way make up who we are.  I do believe that we should not judge in fear that we may be judged, and I never judged so many people as what I did when I was a JW. If you weren’t a JW, you were nothing. And yet they still expected strangers to listen to our message when we went from door to door. I’m not angry at them, nor do I have any ill will towards any of them, we all have free will and make choices that fit our own lives. It just makes me sad that after I left and come out of the closet, I got messages from three other men in Newfoundland who told me I had such courage and bravery for doing what I did, and that they two are gay but could never leave out of fear of being killed by God and judged by others. I am just so thank-full that people came into my life when they did and taught me to love myself enough to make the decisions that I did make. That in itself makes me believe that I am in the exact place in life where I am meant to be and that the road ahead is bright because of it.

Accepting yourself 100% does not come over night. It took a long time before I got over the doubts I was having as to whether or not I made the right choices. But the truth, my truth is, I am a much happier, healthier and better person because of being me. When I was pretending to be someone else and covering up, and killing the real Jamie, that’s when I had problems in my life. But now that I am an eagle, able to spread my wings….there is no height limitations or restrictions that can hold me back from being and doing what I want to. I just had to be willing to first learn to spread my wings, for I was a captive, scared little sparrow for so long.

Find your own truth. If it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, that’s ok. But at the end of the day, when your head hits that pillow, love who you are and not have any regrets. And if the path you are on right now isn’t working for you, find another one and as the old saying goes, “if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again”. But never give up until you know in your mind, in your heart and in your whole entire being that you are on the right path!

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't.”

 --Eleanor Roosevelt

Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Jamie's Journey

Jamie’s Journey

My story begins on December 30^th, 1986. That’s the day I was born. But shortly after that day, my mother noticed something was wrong with me. I was having trouble gaining weight and I had a bad cough. After a while of worrying, my mom finally decided to take me to the hospital. After long days of testing, we met Dr. Vaze who told my mother I had a life threatening illness called Cystic Fibrosis. My mother panicked as there was little to know about CF back then other than the fact that children born with it do not usually see their first day of kindergarten.  However, determined to make sure I had the best quality of life with this disease she listened as doctors told her what would be needed and required if I was to get the most out of life.

Cystic Fibrosis is a disease that affects the lungs and digestive system, but does impact the entire body. Our lungs lack the ability to rid itself of thick mucus that develops at a much rapid rate than a normal person, which of course leads to make infections and respiratory complications. And we are pancreas insufficient, meaning we need to take up words of 50 pills a day to make sure our food is properly digested in our bodies. We also need to do daily physio therapy to clear our lungs of the thick flem that haunts us and could one day rob us of our life. A very good exercise program is also essential and making sure we get adequate nutrients is so important, as our digestive system, even with help, only absorbs a fraction of what a normal person would obtain from eating. The life expectancy when I was born for someone living with CF was only 12 years old. I am happy to tell you that today the average has increased, with much scientific research and support from the CF community to 47!

Over the years, my mother did most of the caregiving needed to take care of my illness. Never alone, she was by my side through some pretty dark days. And dark days there were. I was generally healthy for most of my childhood. The earliest recollection of being in the hospital was about 7 or 8 years old. However, as time passed more hospitalizations were needed to clear my lungs of that thick mucus that made it quite difficult to breathe.

In my teens, I went through a faze where I didn’t take care of myself. I was very angry at God, whoever he may be, and at the world. I wondered why I had to be the one to suffer and not someone else. What was the plan for me and how was this ever going to be a good thing? I spent a lot of time angry and unfortunately took it out on the ones I love. But mostly myself, because I did not do what was required to keep my body in tip top shape. I wonder to this day how much damage was done during that time, something I can’t change now, though somehow I wish I could.

Cystic Fibrosis is a progressive disease that gets worse the longer you live. One 1 out of every 2 people living with CF will survive to see their 25^th birthday. I reached that milestone this past December. I still have to pinch myself some days and I am filled with such gratitude and a fresh perspective, which I’ll discuss a little later. But I almost lost my battle this past spring.

I was admitted to hospital on February 6^th, 2012. My lungs were failing, I had lost a lot of weight and I just wasn’t feeling like myself. It took over a month as my body got increasingly weak to figure out just what was wrong with me. I was growing a strange bug in my lungs called a Non-Tuberculant Micro Bacteria (NTM) which ironically has nothing to do with Cystic Fibrosis, but for someone with CF to get an NTM, it’s very serious. I was so sick that a lot of my family from across Canada and the U.S., were preparing to come home to be with each other for support. The Doctors were getting frustrated as my condition was getting critical and nothing seemed to be working- until the unexpected happened.

They switched a drug and the fevers I was having almost immediately stopped. Slowly, I regained my appetite. It took time but I was able to walk again without the use of oxygen. And through all this, my attitude and outlook on life was changing.

I was finally released over two months later on April 16^th. However, I am not out of the clear yet. The type of bug that is growing in my lungs is very stubborn and requires a lot of medication to keep under control. I will be on oral anti-biotics for the next year and they have a long list of side effects that I am just oh so thrilled about! Preparation has begun for me to receive a double lung transplant in the near future in Toronto, as my lungs will soon give out from all the damage over the years caused by infections and of course this latest bug that is causing havoc on my body.

People ask me all the time, “How do you do it? How do you have such a positive attitude and outlook on life when you can’t even work? Where do you get your strength?” I tell them, I do it because I have to do it. I have to fight for everyone else who had CF that didn’t get the chance to fight. I do it because I love life and I don’t intend to give up until the doctors tell me that giving up is the only option I have. I do it because despite my everyday struggle with this disease, I am a blessed person and I am filled with so much gratitude for what I DO have and don’t worry about what I DON’T.
I have a positive attitude because no man has ever survived with a negative one. And life is too short to spend my days wallowing in self-pity and despair. I believe that when you have gotten so close to death as often as I have you truly get a sense of what’s important in life. What really matters.
And I get my strength from writing. I have an online blog that I write on often and share my story with the world. I get my strength from knowing that while my suffering may cause me some anguish, my story is giving someone out there hope. And I realize throughout my days that someone always has it worse than I do. I also draw strength from my partner and my loving friends and family with whom I surround myself with. I do not give heed to any negative people or influences in my life.

My message that I try to send people is one of hope. Maintaining a positive attitude is not always easy, but I personally believe that it has saved my life. When I was in the hospital, and things were looking pretty grim, I never once felt defeated. I always knew and believed deep down in my gut that I was going to be ok. And I know now that as this journey of mine continues, I will survive and when I get my new lungs I will honor my donor and their families by making each day count and do something really special with the second chance at life I have been given.
Life is a gift and I do not intend on wasting it. So please, make each day count, for you never know when it will be your last.


PLEASE BE AN ORGAN DONOR

YOU CAN FOLLOW MY JOURNEY AT   www.jamiesjourneycanada.blogspot.ca

NOT SO GREAT NEWS

NOT SO GREAT NEWS

Just when life seems to be going great, LIFE slaps you in the face and gives you a wake-up call.

 Ok, so if you have been reading my blogs you know that when I was discharged from the hospital, I was put on three very potent oral anti-biotics. They are given to treat the nasty bug that is growing in my lungs that isn’t even related to my Cystic Fibrosis. The pan was for me to be on these for the next 12-18 months.

Up until recently, everything was going fine. However the past couple of weeks I have been experiencing some symptoms associated with taking long term treatment. Nothing major though, so I thought. My blood sugars have been spiking for the past two weeks. So in talking to my Doctors, they discussed with other specialists and decided to take me off one of the drugs that tend to cause issues with blood sugars. Almost right away, my blood sugars went back to normal and I was feeling better. This was just this past week.

I got a call from my family doctor here in Clarenville on Friday saying that something troublesome showed up in my blood work and that she would like to see me as soon as she could. Her earliest appointment was this morning.

I just found out that my liver is in real bad shape. The anti-biotics which travel through your liver and then distributed throughout your body are having a harmful effect all of a sudden to my liver. My liver functions are four times the normal amount.
What does this mean?

It means that I now have to make some decisions. If I choose to stay on the anti-biotics I risk losing my liver and need a liver transplant. And even worse, if I go off the anti-biotics, because my body has not had enough time to rid itself of the nasty bug that’s growing inside of me, which usually takes 12-18 months to treat, I risk having all the symptoms come back that I had before and most likely will end up back in the hospital.

So right now, my team in St. John’s are trying to come up with a solution. One that may involve new drugs to see if they affect my liver the same way these do. One of the only good things I can tell you is that when they sent the sputum sample away to be tested to see what kind of drugs would kill the bug, fortunately a great number of drugs are available to treat this infection. I just have to hope and pray that they don’t affect my liver as much as these ones do. However, my family doctor did tell me that where my liver is already compromised and weak that it may.

So, I’m trying really hard not to worry. I mean, I am used to bad news, I have been given it my whole life. But it is hard to maintain a positive attitude ALL the time, especially when faced with news like this. So I am just going through the motions.

If there is one thing I am learning in life it’s to not count your eggs before they hatch. I cannot spend all my days now worrying about this, when I really don’t know for sure yet if there is anything to worry about. The reality of it all is, they could find new drugs that don’t affect my liver and I continue on them for another 9-12 months and everything is fine – that’s best case scenario. OR something worse happens. But I cannot let my mind go there as hard as it is because being positive is half the battle. AND I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I have gotten through so much that I just can’t see this, my gut is telling me, that this is not the end of it. Something will work out and I will continue to share this beautiful life with Perry and my friends and family whom I love so much.

Do me a favor?
Do something today to show appreciation for the good things you have in your life. I don’t care what it is. Just be grateful for the blessings you have for you never know when they may disappear. Even if the situation you are in now is not ideal, show appreciation somehow, maybe even to someone for the positive things you DO have. J


Choosing to be positive and having a grateful attitude is going to determine how you're going to live your life. ~ Joel Osteen

Jamie Leigh Fransis
xo