GOOD LIFE

GOODLIFE

Never ever before in my life have I ever felt this happy.
And I kind of feel guilty.

I guess because of my childhood, I got so used to things not going my way that it feels really strange now that I am actually starting to enjoy life. When I was with Alicia, not directly because of her, but I got so unhappy and really depressed that I just could not imagine ever being truly happy. I allowed myself to conform to what other people wanted from me that I never paid any heed to what my own needs and wants were. So now that I am finally starting to do that, it feels funny.

I really have to get over my guilt. Because I am so happy, I often wonder if it was fair to cause Alicia so much pain by leaving. But knowing that she is moving on and is happy makes it so much easier. I knew that by staying I would never EVER be able to give her what she truly needed from a man and that by leaving I was opening up the opportunity for her to find true happiness as well. But yet there is still this voice in the back of my head that’s telling me I’m doing something wrong, and NO it’s not my conscience. I think it’s just because I genuinely have not been happy before and this feels foreign.

Ever since Perry came into my life, things just seem to be going so smoothly that it’s starting to freak me out. I mean, my family loves him, he accepts me and ALL my imperfections, including lovingly taking care of my need with Cystic Fibrosis. He loves my friends and I love his. He has a great career and is helping me establish mine. He’s amazingly beautiful. I catch myself sometimes just staring at him, just because I see so much love in his eyes for me. Now, even though a lot of you may say it’s really soon, we are starting to plan a life together. We both know that this is a forever kind of deal. We both love each other so much. Now that I am openly out, it’s amazing to think that people don’t agree with homosexuality. Because nothing has ever felt so real in my whole life than the love I feel for that man.

I guess another reason why it feels so funny to me is because I have spent so much of my life making others happy, being a people pleaser that my own happiness was never a priority for me in my life. Well, now it is! And even though it feels strange, it feels fabulous. I walk around with my head held high and I respect myself. I see the world so differently. I am able to sleep at night without dreading waking up the next morning to face another day of unhappiness. It feels so good to look in the mirror and love your reflection.

I always preach to people something I learned from the musical RENT; “NO DAY BUT TODAY!” And now I’m finally living those words. I am trying to live every day to the fullest, making every day count. I’m trying to make a difference in at least one person’s life a day, weather that by doing something big, or something simple, but doing it. People think you have to do extravagant things to make people happy, but it’s truly the little, simple things that bring so much joy. And not just to the other person wither, but to yourself. One of my favorite bible verses is in Matthew. “There is more happiness in giving than in receiving.” I have been given a lot of great things in my life. Some pretty amazing things. But nothing compares to the feeling I get in my heart when I give to others. It brings me so much joy.

I don’t know how to explain why I am so happy despite having to face a double lung transplant in my near future. Others would be so miserable and could possibly sink into the “Why me” attitude. But for me it’s all about being grateful for the many blessings we are given along with the hardships. Because when we appreciate the little things in our lives, when the big things happen, it feels less intense. And when you are able to overcome an intense situation it makes you so much stronger for future trials. So I know when I wake up from my surgery, that I am going to literally be able to take on the world, and I will no longer have my lungs as limitations. I will be unstoppable! That’s right! You’re not getting rid of me that easy!

I have so many people to thank for my new found love of life and it would take a while to name them. But just know that if you’re reading this, and you know who you are, that you have helped me in the greatest way anyone can be helped; to love themselves. I will never be able to repay what that priceless gift has given me. <3

The future looks bright and this is definitely going to be a GOOD LIFE! I am in the process of starting my own Interior Design business, Perry and I have just started looking at apartments, my health is not the best but maintaining. And I am happy!

What else could I want?!

"If you want happiness for an hour ? take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day ? go fishing.
If you want happiness for a year ? inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime ? help someone else."
~Chinese Proverb


Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Surrounded

Surrounded

As I mentioned in an earlier blog, knowing I was going to die at an early age was something I was introduced to at a very early age. So growing up, I was always surrounded by death. Every time I looked in the mirror, or saw a CF ad, or heard of someone with CF losing their battle, it was everywhere!

Being surrounded and always feeling claustrophobic by the thought of dying, it made it very challenging to view the future with optimism. In the 80’s, a child born with Cystic Fibrosis wasn’t expected to see kindergarten.  Now, the average age of someone with CF is 47!! But not everyone is that lucky.

My first real memory of what death really was, was when I was just 12. A very good friend of mine, Robyn Hancock, who was a CF victim passed away while I was in the hospital. I used to go to her room and she would let me jump on her bed. Her father was especially nice to me, always handing me a 20 or 50 dollar bill. But when she died, something changed inside of me. Something I would carry forever; a constant shadow of death. And her death was the first of many friends I would lose to CF.

It’s really difficult making friends with CF. The reason is because neither of us are guaranteed tomorrow, especially with CF. And our health can change with the snap of your fingers. You could be 20 years old, living the good life one day….the next, on life support fighting to survive. I’ve always struggled making friends with CF. I would never want to get too attached in fear that I may lose them. But that all changed when I met Lisa, a 34 year old at the time who changed my life, forever.

Lisa, who also had a sibling with CF attended the same church I did. But the way she viewed her CF had a huge impact on my life. She always lived every day to the max. And she worshiped her son, Trisden. The three of us became very close. I would spend nights at their place and they would pop by my house for dinner dates. But the good times didn’t last long, because in the fall of 2006 Lisa took sick. At first we all thought it was going to be a normal, standard hospitalization. But that dream quickly turned into a nightmare. I watched my friend die over a three month period. She went from a hefty 120lbs to about 80lbs. I was by her side as much as I could, finding the pain at times to much to bare.
On December 26^th, 2006, Lisa took her last breath.
I fell to my knees upon hearing the news. One reason was because I had just lost a very dear friend of mine. And because I also knew I shared the same fate. It was the first time as an adult that CF slapped me in the face. But her death was not in vain. It impacted me in a beautiful way. Because I knew when she died and I promised her that I would fight. I would try and survive as long as I possibly could. I am still trying my hardest to hold to that promise.

After losing Lisa, I shut down and closed the fellow CF world out of my life. I just needed time to digest things. I thought then that I would never ever want to get close to anyone else with CF, that it would be too hard on me emotionally. But then I accepted a position with the Canadian Cystic Fibrosis Foundation (known now as Cystic Fibrosis Canada). I would sever as the Regional-Vice representative for the Atlantic Provinces. In my role, I would have to meet with other young adults with CF and discuss issues that we felt were important and needed to be addressed in the CF community. The blessings I received from the group were amazing. I met some of the most amazing people. People who I remain friends with to this day. People who give me courage and hope to continue my journey. Three of them were transplant survivors; one of which won a Gold medal in the transplant Olympics. These people taught me that, yes, life happens and we do lose some fighters, but there are also those who beat the odds and embrace life’s challenges to better themselves. It was rewarding being amongst the group because they understood how I was feeling and could empathize with everything that I was experiencing in life. Almost as if we were all of the same body. The energy was amazing!

At times it’s difficult to keep in touch because you see on Facebook that this one isn’t doing so well. Or you hear that so and so is into drugs and is going downhill and you wonder why they are acting so foolishly. But for the most part, being a part of such a close knit community of people has been a huge blessing. In fact, many of the people in the group helped me make the decision to get a lung transplant. They have been there. They made the decisions too. They never once made me feel like their choices had to be my choices, but gave me great perspective.

It is hard living with a disease that 1 in 2 people won’t live to see 25. But it’s a blessing in disguise. We as a group live every day to the fullest, and face the fears of everyday together. And the blessings I have received from knowing all of these hero’s far out ways the temporary pain of losing them. Because they would all want their life to be celebrated for being the amazing person they were, not the disease that plagued them. It also makes me appreciate everything and everyone I have in my life, because you never know when any of us are going to lose what’s most important to us……..those we love.

I would just like to say, even though I am surrounded by so much loss and death, and I am facing death every day…..I have never felt more ALIVE!!

“A man who won’t die for something is not fit to live”
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

I'm Scared

I’m Scared

I vowed not to live any more lies when I left my wife and embraced my ‘new life’.
So, in this blog, I’m going to admit; I am scared.

When I first learned that the disease I had was going to take my life, I just always thought I wouldn’t have a say in the matter. I imagined me dying, on a hospital bed, being in a lot of pain and being surrounded by a lot of my relatives and friends. But as my age increased, so did the research and all the medical advances. Now people with Cystic Fibrosis have the option to get a lung transplant.

I hadn’t given it any thought, honestly. Not until about 6 months ago. When I was a Jehovah’s Witness I vowed not to take any blood, and the hospital in Toronto will not agree to try a bloodless double lung transplant because the cost of such surgery is so high, and they also don’t want to risk waisting precious lungs. So you need to sign a form before you enter the O.R. stating that you will, if necessary accept blood. I was worried for a long time how this would affect my conscience, but I came to the conclusion that, I don’t think dying is what God had planned for me. I think he wanted me, after I learned a few important life lessons, to go on and do greater things. If someone HAS to die, and the gift of life can be given to someone else, then I believe in my heart that this is what a loving God would want.

I’m so scared that I’m not going to be able to enjoy my new found love of life, and my new found love, Perry. Coming out has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am 100% ME! It fees so strange to walk around and talk to people and not have to worry about hiding anything. Just to be completely honest with my fellow neighbors about who I am. I try to live my life without ANY regrets, but I sure do wish I had done this sooner. But this life is so amazing that I don’t want it to end yet, and I think that passion just might help me survive.

The surgery can last up to 14 hours. Eeeek! And so much has to happen before the surgery. Testing, assessments, more testing. I have to travel to Toronto and meet with the team, then MORE tests! Then once I’m finally on the list, I’m given a pager. I walk around with that in Toronto until it goes off and then when it does, I have two hours max to get to Toronto General. There is no going back, no changing my mind. At that point it’s all in God’s hands. I just have to get my ass to the hospital. I just hope that I am as strong as I would like to think that I am, and that I won’t cave. But the more I think about it, it becomes easier for me to accept. I would be given the chance to take a “deep breathe”, to run along the waves of the ocean, to chase after my little nephew without needing to stop and catch my breath. The more I focus on the blessings, the more comfortable I am with the whole idea, but I am scared, and I’m trying to remind myself that it’s normal.

Then I think about all the pain after. In order to get a double lung transplant, the team has to break your sternum, which is the center of your rib cage in the front of your chest. Then they remove the old lungs and have to hard wire the new ones back in and close me up. All while watching my other organs and my heart of course. Apparently men favor better with the surgery over girls, but where I’m gay I’m not sure that still applies! Lol I certainly hope it does! In fact, people with Cystic Fibrosis are known to be the best ‘new lung’ candidates. Why? Think about it! It’s a lung and pancreas disorder. So, the only really targets affected by our disease is those two parts of our bodies. When we have new lungs put in, our vessel, or body, is in fairly good shape. Young, fit and energetic bodies waiting to embrace new, powerful lungs. That’s why there is such a great success rate with CF patients.

Then there’s the mental part of it. The stress of fundraising and getting things ready to go, but I am extremely  fortunate to have such a loving, supportive circle of family and friends that this is the least of my worries.  I’m not even left for Toronto yet and I’m already feeling so much love! Thinking about if I will die on the table plays on my mind to, but then I remind myself;

With everything you have been through in your life, having Cystic Fibrosis, having an abusive father, being raped at age 10, being bullied, hiding my sexuality to the point where I wanted to kill myself, and face shame after leaving a wife of 4 years- YOU CAN DO THIS!

A lung transplant will probably be a piece of cake compared to everything I have been through over the years. No doubt I am going to have my struggles and set-backs. I’m already having them. I can’t go one week without having a complete mental breakdown or putting something totally inappropriate on Facebook. But again, it’s normal. No 25 year old man should ever have to face what I am facing. I’m not looking for pity, but it’s true. That’s why I am so grateful to have such a great support system because they remind me at these moments of weakness that I will be strong again. I just have to keep fighting. No man is perfect and when faced with stress, many people act and say things they don’t mean. But I am trying to get a better hold on myself.

So don’t think because I’m writing all these blogs about being so happy that I don’t get scared, because I do. Sometimes, I’m that scared that I just want to end it all and let CF take me in a natural way. But I am Jamie Chafe. I have far too much to live for to call it quits now. I know and believe in my heart that I am going to survive the surgery. I know that I am going to travel and see the world. Start my business and have a beautiful life with Perry. I just feel it. You’re all not getting rid of me this easy!!

 PLEASE, BE AN ORGAN DONOR. SAVE A LIFE
 
  “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear,
    not absence of fear”
     ~ Mark Twain

Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Learning to Love

Learning to love

I’ve been very confused for much of my life as to what love really is. Having a father who never appeared to “love” me and having a mother’s love that was “confused”, it made it hard for me to identify the real thing. But it wasn’t only receiving and giving love to others that I’m having to work on, it’s also loving myself.

What is love anyway? I don’t believe it has to be Oscar worthy for it to be categorized as such. I believe love comes in many forms and is expressed in many different ways. I believe that discipline is love. I believe that honesty is love, but what is now only becoming clear to me is how to identify true love and how to identify the counterfeit. To say that my father didn’t or doesn’t love me would be unfair. A lot of people are surprised to find out about my past and then to find out that I still maintain a relationship with him. They argue that if he really loved me, he would have never hurt me. But I believe that each individual is able to love in their own way. My father grew up in a very abusive, unstable household, so he probably doesn’t know what real love is either.  He is trying a lot harder to show me that he loves me, and his acceptance of my sexuality I cannot even express in words how much it means to me. My father makes short, though regular visits to me in the hospital and will be there to give me anything I need. He’s showing now through his deeds that he truly does love me, and our relationship continues to re-kindle.

One thing that I know for sure is that my mother loves me. My mother is one of my hero’s. She gave me and my two sisters the best life she knew possible and often did without herself to see us happy. Dealing with my illness was challenging for her, but it never fazed her. She always showed courage when the doctors would look at a situation as hopeless and persevered under trial. But then she smoked. And even though I will never understand why, it has taught me that we often hurt the ones we love the most. And that no one is capable of loving someone perfectly. We as humans cannot focus on someone’s mistake when in 99% of the other areas of our life, their love is great. It’s so easy for us to focus on the negative and ignore the positive.

When I got married, I thought I was in love with my wife. I loved her with my whole heart and soul, but I question today if I was truly in-love with her. I masked my true feelings and who I was on the inside and it confused my mind in a lot of ways because I wanted one thing but was doing another. I haven’t admitted this before now, and I hope I don’t upset anyone reading, but on the day of my wedding, when my wife was making her way down the aisle, I started to cry. But it wasn’t because I was so happy and the sight of her made me fill up. It was because I was dying inside, and I had told myself the night before; “Ok, this is it. I guess you’re doing this. You’re going to vow to be unhappy and put the real you aside” I started to hate myself. I was trying so hard to love her the way she needed me to love her that I lost myself more and more as time went on. Eventually, I completely died inside and it started to show. I could barely look at myself in the mirror without getting that taste in your mouth you get when you’re about to throw up. I don’t know if it was possible to hate yourself more than I did. I felt sincerely that there was no other way out than to take my own life. I was afraid of losing friends, maybe even family, and how could I possibly hurt someone so much who showed me such perfect love like she did.

Then I hit rock bottom and tried to take my life. I knew then that things were not going to get better, ever. Not unless I made changes and came out. But how could I do that and lose friends that I genuinely loved and cared for but would shun me upon hearing the news that I was gay.

Then entered out of the blue into my life was a woman named Heather. And everything changed.

Heather is an author, a damn good one at that, and has become closer to me than most people. She “gets” me. But what Heather doesn’t know is that she gave me a gift that has no value in dollars. Heather helped me to love myself again. And in loving myself she has helped me love others in an honest, genuine, authentic way. Just when I wanted to give up and give into the pain, Heather’s love was there to remind me that my sexuality doesn’t define who I am. Staying married was only doing more harm than good and I would never find real happiness until I got out. She wasn’t a home wrecker by no means, in fact she has given my ex an exciting new life that I know she deserves. She helped set us both free.

I spent much of my childhood hating myself as well because I always felt that I was a burden on my mother. She had to tend to my needs and I always wondered how her life would be different without the stress of me in her life. So this new found idea that Heather gave me that I was not only aloud but was able to love myself was very foreign at first. Being a people pleaser my whole life, it was a strange notion to think that loving myself was ever more important that loving anyone else. I believe now that you cannot really love someone until you love yourself. Now instead of wanting to vomit every time I pass a mirror, I love myself. I love the honest person I see. I love that I was able to get the courage to do what I had to do to ensure my happiness. But it’s still a struggle.

Sometimes I think about her and wonder if I did the right thing. I hope I did. I do know that my love for her has not changed, and I hope that someday we can be friends. I often get angry at myself for leaving my nephew and niece I had through marriage, but know that they will be ok. When you’re made to believe that loving yourself and yourself was “imperfect” was wrong, then it’s hard to get your mind around the idea of loving yourself. But I’m working on it. Every day is a new day and presents new challenges. I often have feelings of worthlessness that I have to work hard to try and rise above, but for the most part, I’m much happier and definitely more in love with Jamie!

Then there’s Perry. Learning to love a person of the same sex was harder than you think. It even took me a couple tries and a few cuties before I got it right with him. I was finally able to love someone the way my body and mind and soul had craved for so long that I became so excited that I could have burst. At first it felt really wrong to love someone, let alone want to kiss someone of the same sex. But that was because I still had not come to terms with acceptance and still had some negative ideals in my head that needed disposing. Again, I’m still learning. But that man teaches me something new every day that reminds me I am worthy of genuine love. His love reminds me that yes, I did make the right decision. He reminds me that I am a great person, flawless and all! He makes me feel like loving myself is not some foreign concept, but rather a great way of life that can only lead to greatness.  I Love You Perry.

So, I’m still learning. We will all keep learning until the day we die. To love. To love ourselves. To receive love. The important thing is that we try. So get up off your chair right now, and go to a mirror and say “I Love Me”, and smile while you’re saying it and really believe the words as they leave your lips. And know that if your reading this blog……..I love you!

“A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge”
~ Thomas Carlyle

Jamie Leigh Francis

xo

The Power in Forgiveness

The Power in Forgiveness

As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I blamed “God” for most of all my problems when I was a child. I blamed my mother for not raising me the way I would have raised myself and I especially blamed my father for all the beatings I got when I was a kid. I even blamed the doctor’s that treated me and tried to help me as a kid for being so sick all the time. Then I found a power, the power of forgiveness.

Holding grudges and conflicts in our heart consumes a lot of energy and when you really stop and think about it, we are really only hurting ourselves by holding onto these resentments. I always walked around somewhat unhappy when I was a kid because I just couldn’t understand why I was blessed with such an imperfect life. I would often pray and ask God, what is he trying to prove? I got the answer later in life, and I’ll share that in a bit.

My mother was a smoker. She has been smoking since she was 8 years old. Her mother used to give her cigarette’s in reward for rolling hers. That’s great parenting! NOT! So it was something that I had to accept as I got older. A lot of people, including doctors and close friends would often question why I had a mother who smoked around me even though I had a lung disease.
During my late teens I gave my mom a really hard time about her smoking. I would often get on her case about the habit and it just seemed to make matters worse. We would end up in arguments that just led to more arguments. No solution was ever found and my mother still smokes today. But as I reached adulthood, I discovered something that changed me as a person, forgiveness. I held on to such negative feelings towards her for so many years that I just got tired of being upset and disappointed with her all the time. And I couldn’t very well go back in time and stop the addiction when it started. So, I forgave her. I stopped hounding her about smoking and I came to the conclusion that it was her choice to smoke, not mine and that she was never properly educated on how her smoking affected my CF. It set me free, because it was always a grudge I held towards her. Now don’t get me wrong, at times when she still smokes in the house today I get pretty upset and it does hurt me, but forgiveness releases my tension to the universe and I am brought to a pace where I accept the fact that she has an addiction.

Speaking of addictions, my father is an alcoholic. As I mentioned in previous blogs, I experienced some pretty intense beatings at the hand of my father and at times I questioned if he even was my father, because how could a Dad do something so violent and hurtful. But then again, I found something. Can you guess? Forgiveness.
I spent so much of my life being mad at him and that just used up so much of my energy that I so desperately needed to maintain my health. Through a few Al-anon meetings and a couple of self-help books, I discovered that my father and the disease were two separate things. Therefore I was able to conclude that though there was no excuse for what he did, he was sick. I am sick. And I often ask people to show compassion and understand to me and my illness; therefore I should show the same kindness to my father. I can honestly say that I hold no resentment towards him at all. That’s the power forgiveness gives you. Now I am not saying that I am willing to accept unacceptable behavior, but I have moved past the hurt to a place of peace and love. It was very hard letting go of all the hurt and anger, but the reward was awesome!

When I became a Jehovah’s Witness, I was overwhelmed by the support I received from them. They were a great bunch of people. But soon into studying the bible with them, I learned that if I was ever to turn away, or not practice what they believed anymore, I would be shunned and expelled from the congregation. I could never understand this because the God I truly could feel in my heart accepts everyone and does not shun people for their mistakes. So, it was really hard when I left because a lot of people, who “claimed” to love me unconditionally, overnight became my enemies. I was so angry! I couldn’t believe that I waisted 7 years of my precious life with people who couldn’t love me for who I truly was! Not to get all biblical, but then I remembered a scripture that I learned and again it set me free. “He who does not forgive, shall not receive forgiveness”
I forgave them. And all the anger I had built up towards people who only love when it suits what they believe was gone. Because I came to the conclusion that I didn’t want people in my life like that anyways. I wanted loving people, who accepted me for me. Who loved me for who I truly am.

I wondered what I was being taught through all of this until it hit me one day. We as human beings have power, the power to hold a grudge and be unhappy, or to forgive and forget. The first is the easiest. But the latter is most rewarding. Because it frees our bodies of negative energy and allows us to grow to a place of peace. Where there are no resentments or vendettas. A place where only love can survive and thrive.  

I would like to take this opportunity to ask forgiveness of anyone reading this blog that I have hurt or disappointed. And even if they never read this blog, I hope they can find room in their hearts to forgive me and be brought through growth to a more harmonious place.

I often think about the type of person I want to be remembered for when I die. I don’t want to be someone who was known for being at war with people, but rather one of love and someone who was truly able to forgive. It’s a power like no other…..

“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself”
~ Suzanne Somers

Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Mr. Know it all

Mr. Know it all

One of the biggest things I hate about myself, if not the biggest is that sometimes I use my illness as an excuse for how I treat others. Just a warning, this blog will contain a lot of honesty.

My big sister and nephew, Damon just left to go back to Winnipeg. While they were here we got into a couple heated arguments that got everyone involved and led to many of us saying things we didn’t mean. How it started was my cousin Amanda made arrangements for us all to visit her home for supper. The plan was in motion several days before our expected dinner date. The day came and on the way home from picking my mother home from work, she informed us that she was not in the mood to go for supper. She was in an accident about 10 years ago and has never fully recovered, and was having some discomfort. When she said she wasn’t going to join us, I got very annoyed and became very cranky. Even though I didn’t make an outward show that I was upset, everyone around me could tell my mood had changed. I was disappointed because right now, since I have discovered that my lungs are getting worse, family time is the most important thing I cherish. It’s what gets me threw. That’s why I was disappointed in my mother because I selfishly wanted her there. I didn’t give any thought to her needs or how she was feeling, I just knew that I was sick and wanted her there.

Well, the argument got that heated that my big sister and I said things to each other we have never before. We both agreed after that it was one of if not the biggest argument we had ever had. I stormed off down in my room and was very emotional. My boyfriend came downstairs, and God love him, he was able to talk some sense into me. And because my big sister is my best friend, I knew in my heart that this had to be resolved right away. So, I gathered my thoughts and composed myself and headed upstairs to make amends. Thankfully she was receptive. I apologized to her and admitted to my constant need to control things and have things go MY way because I’M sick.

All of that mess could have been avoided if I wasn’t so selfish and had some compassion, compassion that I always demand of others but for some reason have a hard time showing myself. In actual reality, it really didn’t affect me at all that mom didn’t want to go. I could have gone and had a great time, and just because she wasn’t there, I still could have made it a pleasant evening.

When you have CF, you have little control over anything. Literally overnight your health can change. One day your fine, the next you’re in the hospital receiving strong antibiotics to fight of an infection that decided to stop by for a visit. And then there is no way to control how much that infection will affect your lung function, which means you get closer to lung transplant every time we get sick. We have no control over how the weather affects us from day to day. No control over when our pancreas will stop working entirely and we may end up with diabetes. No control, really, over anything. So because we have little or no control in this major area of our lives, I feel like for me, I try and control all other areas.  It’s not something I try to do, it’s just become a part of my personality.

Don’t argue with me, because I’m always right! I get in these ruts where I throw pity parties and that expect everyone to agree with me, even when I’m wrong. “Well, I’m the sick person, you should all try and make my life easy for me right now”, I’ll reason. But that’s not really healthy, or realistic. Just because I am sick does not give me the excuse to disrespect or argue with people. My sister reminded me when she was home a very important fact that I seem to be forgetting a lot lately. She said, “My dear brother, you have CF. CF does not have you! You are more than Cystic Fibrosis!” And she’s so right! When I get my new lungs, what will my excuse be then? I won’t be sick anymore and I will no longer feel defined by an illness that I have.

So, it’s something I have to work on. Because I wouldn’t want to be around someone who always wants things to go their way because of some disease they have. I would expect them to rise above that and I should expect the same of myself. It’s just very hard sometimes when you have so much in your head, so much on your mind, to remember all these little things. I’m happy to report though, that we did go to the dinner date with my Cousin and we had a great time and actually turned out to be a beautiful evening. I’m glad I sucked up my stubbornness and apologized, and it actually just continues to make my relationship with my sister stronger.

I really have to give props to a lot of people in my life, because I can be a hard little bitch to deal with sometimes. I’m not always the greatest person to have around. And as much as I sound like an angel in my blogs, I do still have many flaws. But in order to fix a problem in ourselves we first have to identify it. And I am learning everyday so much about myself and I’m inviting myself to grow. It’s hard at times to admit that you have a problem, but humility is powerful and can help in growth.

So, I’m not always right, and I don’t have all the answers as much as I would like to believe at times. But I am a person who is going through a lot and I am growing and changing and becoming a better person everyday!

“Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility.”
~ Saint Augustine

Peace, Love and Humility,

Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Dear Perry,

Dear Perry,

            At frequent times over the years dealing with my CF, I have been asked by doctors to get certain tests done. At times, the results have been inconclusive. Sometimes they would be a false positive, meaning that science has its limits, and that a proper conclusion could not be made. Love does not have limits.

                For the longest time in my life I would often ask myself if I would ever get a taste of real happiness. I thought that since I had to live with such a horrible disease, then something good has to eventually happen to me. And finally, it has! Growing up, I longed for proper, full hearted love. I believed in love stories and I am a sucker for romance. But when I married a woman, I always felt like something was missing. What was missing was the authenticity of what it truly means to love someone. Sure my wife and I loved each other, but at the end I discovered I was never really “in love” with her, because if I had been honest from the beginning, we maybe would have been friends, and not lovers. I was unable to give her what she truly needed from a husband, and I was unable to give her what she truly needed from a man, and what she so much deserved. But I gave up. I just kept telling myself I would have to settle for a life of unhappiness and that I was doing the right thing in the eyes of God. Inside, I was dying.

                To be honest, the biggest fear I had when deciding to leave my wife, is if I would ever find love again. True love. One of the most amazing things about her was that she had a huge heart. She took on a ‘sick’ person and vowed, in sickness and in health, to be there, always. I was afraid of being alone, dying alone. I knew I wouldn’t survive forever, and I longed to have a genuine relationship with someone I could respect and could offer me what I truly needed and wanted. So, I started my journey to find love again literally right away. It wasn’t healthy, but it was what I thought I needed. Plus, where I felt I waisted so much time not being myself, I was in a hurry to pursue a life of honesty, with myself and with others. I got hurt, a lot. But in ‘testing the waters’ I got to learn what I was willing and not willing to tolerate in a meaningful relationship. But I become obsessed with finding love. It consumed my days, because in my heart I knew my health was failing and I did not want my last days to be spent alone. I got sick emotionally, and after my last break-up, I had to call it quits for a while.

                My very dear friend Heather advised me that it was now time to take time for me to grow, and to learn what my soul had planned for me in this life. So, that’s exactly what I did. I read a lot of self help books. A lot of spiritual growth books and I even read some random books that I learned a lot from. Love is not something that consumed my days anymore. I learned that if it was going to happen, it was going to happen regardless of how much energy and time focusing on it.

                Then we started talking on POF (Plenty of Fish). I was in the hospital at the time, and you decided that you were coming to meet me. I was petrified. I was a mess and not myself at all. But you did not care. You walked in my room on 4 South A, room 123 with a big smile on your face. We very quickly clicked, as I realized after talking to my physio therapist who entered the room for a brief period of time during your visit. Later that day she asked who my ‘great friends’ were. She was surprised when I told her that we had just met! She thought we had known each other for years. I knew then that there was something special about you. Then, you did something I did not expect. You came the following weekend and spent the night in that tiny hospital bed and cuddled me until I fell asleep in your arms. And you were there every weekend after that until I was discharged.

                It’s been a very busy, and at times stressful 3 months, but here we are! Together! The IV poles and the needles didn’t scare you away. Me looking like I was a skeleton because of how sick I was didn’t scare you away. The fact that you knew I was only going to get more and more ill did not scare you away, and as hard as I tried to push you away because I truly felt that you deserved better, you have stayed by my side and have assured me you are not going anywhere.

                I have had and still have a lot of blessings in my life, Perry. But you may just be my miracle. You laugh every time I call you angel, but I truly believe that you have been sent to me from some distant source that knows you are what I need. You haven’t just given me an answer to my prayers, but you have also given me a new reason to live. It was hard leaving Alicia, because I wasn’t sure I deserved love anymore and to stop my search for that amazing feeling of loving and being loved. I thought maybe the heart breaks were God’s way of teaching me a lesson. But your love quickly reassured me that, that was not the case.

                I remember when they first started talking to me about transplant, I was having a hard time  picturing my life after the operation. I’m not sure if it was because I was so depressed that I didn’t think I could survive the surgery. But now that I have you in my life, I see myself being a survivor. I see myself pursuing both my passions to sing and to start a business in interior design. I see us both having rewarding careers. I see us both traveling and truly having a beautiful life where love is the core of our survival. I love that my family loves you and you fit in so well with us. I love you because of who you are as a human being. A beautiful illustration of how we are suppose to act as God’s children. You are one of my hero’s, Perry! And I can promise you that I will do whatever I have to, to show you that this is a once in a lifetime love. I’m in this for the long run and I see every time I look into your big beautiful blue eyes that you are too!

                Our love and what we have for each other is not a false positive. It is very much real and I cherish every moment we have together. You remind me every day that I am a beautiful person just the way I am, and that true love does indeed exist.

                I Love You.
                Always and forever.

“The greatest reward is to love and be loved in return”
~Celine Dion

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00&ob=av3e

xo
Jamie

Don't judge a book by its cover

Don’t judge a book by its cover

The one thing I hate the most about having the disease I have is that, looking at me, you would never know I had anything wrong with me and that makes it very difficult trying to get people to understand what you are going through.

My lungs are literally filling up as we speak with thick mucus. My lungs are working 10 times harder to operate than a normal human being. My stomach is trying to digest my supper with great difficulty, because our bodies lack the natural enzymes that break down our food and distribute it to the proper places in our bodies.  As my lungs continue to fail, my other organs are going to be working extra hard as well because my body will need so much of its energy just to operate my lungs.

I find it so ironic that I was recognized and picked on more in my life for being “gay” than for having Cystic Fibrosis. Growing up, I guess it was obvious to many of my family members I was different; they were not surprised at all when I came out. In fact, many of them ‘it’s about time!’ But yet, many of them today, if you asked them to describe what kind of disease I have or how it affects me they wouldn’t have a clue how to talk about it. It doesn’t hurt me, I just find it strange how we as human beings have a tendency to judge what we can see, and pay little or no regard to what we cannot see. How quickly do we judge others just on their outward appearance? I’m guilty of it. I think we all are. But I’m trying to be more understanding of people and be more patient with them.

I would like to share the following story with you to give an illustration;

Recently I got reacquainted with my great aunt, Ruth. She added me to Facebook, and I immediately noticed she had a strong love of Jesus Christ. Everything on her Facebook was about Jesus. She loves Jesus and credits him for a lot of her strength and courage in life. I have to admit that at first, it was extremely annoying. I was getting very agitated because she would even comment on my statuses that I needed to put more faith in and rely on Jesus more. I got tired of it very quickly and sent her the following message that I now regret sending;


Dear GreatAunt Ruth,
I really appreciate your messages telling me to hang in there and that I need to put more faith in Jesus.
I spent 7 years of my life, extreamly devoted to God, and do you know where it got me? NO WHERE!!
Since I left the church, I have been drawn closer to God, a God I KNOW to be true and one that I want to believe in and not be FORCED to believe in by some organized religion. I have read the bible from front to back several times and I believe in a God, trust me.
But I do not believe that praying to him can solve all of my problems....
You can say that I have no faith or whatever you want....but you would be wrong....
I have just learned the hard way, by almost loosing my life several times, that God deals with humans differently than he used to and I respect your belief's.
Just please don;t put stuff on my status's that would indicate that I dont have faith, or I need more faith, cause you do not know what I have been through.....

Love always,
Jamie

What did I do? I judged this woman and insulted her because she believed in something that I did not. Is that right? I don’t think so. Well, it wasn’t long after it was sent that my soft heart got the best of me and I had to reach out to this woman that I barely know, and get to know her.

I found out that she lost her daughter at the precious age of 9 years old. No doubt that was hard and some kind of faith is better than none, so I should hope that her faith helped her get through that difficult time. She later had another baby girl who was much like the child she lost and Michelle reminds her every day of precious 9 year old, Denise.  She now is struggling to keep her adult son alive as he has diabetes and is having a hard time and is in need of a liver transplant. When I spoke with her, she told me she does not go to church, but she does have a strong faith in Jesus and that he has helped her get through many dark days in her life.

So, I judged this woman over something I saw on Facebook. I thought she was a church going freak who was going to try to convert me to her ways. She was doing NOTHING to hurt me or insult me, it was a judgment that I wrongly made.

Well, Music helps me get through my days, and I don’t care what anyone thinks about that. It is my escape and I certainly wouldn’t want anyone to judge me for something so silly that really has nothing to do with them. I’m happy to say that I asked my aunt to forgive me, and we now talk several times a week. I smile now when I see her posts about Jesus because I know that’s what helps her get by, just like music helps me.

I wish my CF would present more obvious signs that I have a deadly disease. Because sometimes it gets frustrating when people do not show understanding towards me because I appear to be normal. Meanwhile, I’m dying on the inside. Literally! But I cannot expect people to show understanding to me without knowing all the facts, if I cannot also do the same. A strong lesson I have learned recently.

The nest time someone is rude to me, doesn’t hold the door when I really need them to or does not treat me the way I expect to be treated, I’m going to try and show some compassion. I don’t know what struggles they are having in their life, or what they may be going through. Who knows? Maybe they have Cystic Fibrosis……

“A love for humanity came over me, and watered and fertilised the fields of my inner world which had been lying fallow, and this love of humanity vented itself in a vast compassion.” ~George Brandes

xo
Jamie Leigh Fransis

"I didn't know my own strength" -Whitney Houston

"I didn’t know my own strength”

As I look back today on everything I have been through in my life, I don’t know for sure how I have survived. But one thing I do know for sure, ‘I didn’t know my own strength’.

I heard a great quote recently, it states; “We often don’t realize how strong we are until being strong is the only choice we have”. And that proved true for me at many points in my life. I remember being 12 years old. I walked into the clinic thinking that this was going to be an ordinary check-up. How wrong I was! That day in late October was the day I found out I really was different than all other kids my age. The reason I couldn’t run as fast as others without having to cough my guts up was not just coincidence. I had Cystic Fibrosis. Well, what’s that? “It is a disease that most people do not live to see their graduation with”, I was told. As the tears rolled down my mother’s face as she watched me try to get some sense of all this, I knew it was something serious.

At this point in my life, I knew I was gay. I knew that I had more than one ‘disease’ and that I could not burden my parents with yet another defect, as most people think being gay is. And I certainly did at that time. I didn’t know why I was attracted to boys in my grade and not the girls. All I knew is that the harder I tried to change, the more I hated myself. And so began a life of low self-esteem. How could I tell my macho father who already abused me physically that I did enjoy swimming with him on Saturdays, but not for the reasons he thought. It was to explore my new sexual interest in my teens and to see if I could catch a glimpse of a man getting undressed. It wasn’t sexual at that point, but I was just fascinated with the male body. If I told Dad that I was gay, I was going to be killed for sure. And if I told Mom that was something else she would have to worry about and carry around on her shoulders.

So began a life of lying to others, and myself. I just buried my desires because I was a people pleaser and I didn’t want to be any more different than I already had to be because of my Cystic Fibrosis. I survived all the beatings I was subjected to, and all the heartache of watching my mother stay with a man who made her so obviously miserable. I thought, ‘well, if mom can live a lie and stay with dad and be unhappy, then I can hide my secrets as well’. I often wondered if I would survive my childhood, not because my father would kill me, because I wouldn’t give him the chance. But because I hated my life so much that I thought often about taking it myself. “I’m gonna die from CF anyways”, I would tell myself.

So up to this point I was surviving the three things I never ever thought I could;
1.) Being born with Cystic Fibrosis
2.) Growing up in an alcoholic home
3.) Being a homosexual

Then at the end of high school, I got involved with Jehovah’s Witnesses. I always thought as a kid that God hated me, because why would he give a child this sickness if that wasn’t the case? But they taught me that God did love me. They taught me a lot of things that to this day I believe. But they also taught that homosexuality is a sin, and that God did not approve of homosexuals and their behavior. So, I just thought I had some kind of demon living inside of me, or an imperfection that I had to live with. I didn’t realize then that the one thing they were teaching me was wrong was the one thing that makes me a truly beautiful human being.

So, I met a girl. I kissed a girl and convinced myself I liked it. My wife was perfect. She was absolutely beautiful. Big brown eyes that I just sunk into every time she looked at me. We just clicked. We had so much in common, we were instantly friends. I convinced myself that I could be happy living with this lie and that I had to ‘kill’ the part of me that the bible did not agree with.

We married August 18^th, 2007.

For the most part, our first year was ok. A few financial issues dealing with my CF, but living together was lovely and it was great having someone to share a home with. I actually remember thinking that I could do it. I actually could live like this. That I was going to be ok.

Then a week after our one year anniversary, my wife’s sister lost her son in a tragic car accident. Those were the darkest days of my life, even to this day. The death of an elderly person we have had for many years is easier to deal with than the loss of a precious innocent child. And he was. He stole my heart the first time I met him, just the sweetest little boy. I often went to the grave yard after and pounded on the ground asking God to bring him back and take me instead. I wanted to die. Nothing in my life made any sense anymore. That was the first day of my coming out. His life was shorter than mine, someone who never thought he’d survive long enough to be married. My personality changed almost overnight. I developed a huge intolerance to bullshit, and longed to live a life of authenticity. But I stayed for over three more years. Burying the hurt and shutting out the urges that were growing stronger to be with a man.

Finally, I met a man by the name of Howard. I was going around taking collections for CF when I met him. A cowboy who owned two horses, and a great looking man for his age. He invited me back down to the barn that night for a drink with he and his friends. Those people did not fear God the way I did, but they were sure as hell a lot happier than I was. I confided in Howard and he helped me see that I was beautiful just the way I was. He helped me see that I, as well as my wife deserved the truth. We both deserved to have partners that could love us the way we needed to be love. And as I said in a previous blog, I came to the realization that I would rather die a thousand deaths at the hand of God than to live one more day wanting to kill myself because I thought I was a freak. The thirty-first day of this month marks a year since I tried to take my life. I knew then that this was getting serious, and that a decision needed to be made. But I couldn’t do it. I thought I didn’t have the strength. I loved her. I didn’t want to hurt her. I vowed to take care of her for the rest of our lives. How could I risk upsetting her so much where she might want to end her life. However, somewhere inside I found the strength.

October 1^st, 2011 I left.

It’s been hard since then. I still think about her and I wish we could be friends. I still love her, but I’m not in love with her. There is a big difference. Do I regret it? No. I’m finally living the life I know I was meant to live. No more lies. No more secrets, just purity and honesty. I am able to live an authentic life filled with genuine love and happiness. I miss a lot of my friends I had, in particular two people who kind of took of the parent roles in my life. Two people I will forever love, for that is what God would want me to do.

As I write this blog and contemplate everything I have been through, I can honestly tell each and every one of you that, I know there is a God, because I would not have been able to survive everything if there wasn’t.  I can tell you that I do not have a clue where I got the courage and determination to do what I needed to do. To continue to battle an illness that I know will someday take my life. To continue to find acceptance in this stupid world that still thinks homosexuality is some kind of trend. But I’m doing it, taking one day at a time. I guess I don’t know my own strength.

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

xo
Jamie Leigh Fransis

Music of the heart; a beloved blessing

Music of the Heart; a beloved blessing

It is my belief that Music is the universal language.

Fewer things in my life bring me greater joy than a great song! Agree? Since I was a little lad, I have loved to sing. It always felt like I was born to do it. It’s hard to believe that something I love so much has brought so much joy into my life.

I first noticed my need to turn to music to help me emotionally when I was in Jr. High school. Whenever I was scared or felt anxious I would go in my room and blast the music. I drove my family crazy with my passion for music. I would often get yelled at by my two sisters when I would run around the house belting out hits by Celine Dion and Reba. However, some of my greatest and favorite childhood memories involved Reba and Celine! Me and my mother spent several hours in the kitchen singing together. It was our bonding time, time that I still cherish in my memories.

Then in 2004, I went to Toronto to enter a singing competition with Exposure. I dedicated my song as I sang it to my mother, as it was mother’s day and my audition song was ‘Amazed’ by Lonestar, and I truly was amazed by my mother. Well, I won the hearts of all the mothers in the room, but not the judges. I left feeling rather deflated and I lost my interest in singing for a short time. Especially since my new found love of God wouldn’t allow for a career in show business, again putting my real wants aside.

However, it didn’t take long for me to get back into singing and my renewed love of music.  Even the first dance for my wife and I was “Amazed” that I went into the studio to record a demo of. I always felt like music can speak to the soul. And that it is such a beautiful way to express emotion.

It wasn’t until recent years that I was told that Singing and Music was having another impact on my life.

Cystic Fibrosis is a lung and pancreas disease. I’ll repeat, LUNG and Pancreas disease. My passion, my love for music which always felt like my avenue to feel alive, was actually contributing to the health of my lungs. When we sing we use so many parts of our body, but mostly our lungs. Breathing air into them in different ways and exercising my diaphragm was proving to have a major impact on my wellness. In fact, the doctors told me that it had direct impact on my lung function and was advised to ‘sing my heart out’ whenever I felt the need. To this day they attribute my singing to the longevity and stamina of my lungs.

So, why did I want to write a blog entry about my love of music and singing? Because I want to show how important it is to do what you love, what you’re passionate about. It may just be saving your life!

Today, because my lungs are not in good shape, I am finding it difficult to sing as good as I have in the past. Does that stop me? No. It won’t. Not until I take my last breathe. Recently someone asked me what I’m looking forward to after I receive new lungs, and as the tears roll down my face as I write this, I would say it’s to honor the donor family by recording an album. I write music and I express myself in my songs. And I want to show proper appreciation to someone who had to lose their life so that I could re-start mine by singing, with new healthy lungs, to the “top of my lungs”. Because it is on that day that I will be able to do just that. I have wanted to record an album for a long time, but just haven’t been able to for different reasons. And I don’t know how I will do it after, but I know and I believe in my heart that it will happen. I will MAKE it happen.  It actually has me looking forward to the future.

Another passion of mine is Interior Design. And I feel like I am waisting another talent of mine. I am looking forward to feeling healthy and starting my own business in that field. I have decided recently that I am going to name it after my first born nephew, Damon James. I think Damon James Design has a nice ring to it, and that will be the name. I may even start that before my transplant to give me extra incentive to come out of that operating room alive, not that I need any more reasons. Damon James himself is enough for that!

Follow your heart! Do what you love! Even if someone doesn’t approve or think you’re good at it.

 Do it anyway!

Even when you sing at the top of your lungs and it drives people nuts.

Sing it anyway!

Even when you are dancing and you don’t have a clue what you’re doing, if you love it….

Dance anyway!

Just because you may not have Cystic Fibrosis or Cancer or are facing a deadly disease does not mean you are guaranteed tomorrow. None of us are. That’s why it’s so important to do what you love. After all…..it could be saving your life.

" Your time is limited, so dont waste it living someone elses life. Dont be trapped by dogma which is living with the results of other peoples thinking. Dont let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary .” ~ Steve Jobs

xo
Jamie Leigh Fransis

Getting Rid of the poison

Getting rid of the poison

Another lesson I’ve learned the hard way is that we as human beings do not have to surround ourselves with negative people. It shocked me how much it affected me physically.

A wise man once told me that ‘we become like those with whom we associate’. Very few words ever spoken to me have proven more true. I became a people pleaser in my young adulthood and accepted everyone and anyone who came into my life. I felt that my life would be enriched by having as many friends as possible. And for the most part, that was true.

But amongst the group there always seemed to be the “Debbie downers”. Whenever you were in their company you couldn’t wait for it to be over, and when they finally did leave, you felt exhausted. Even going to doctor’s appointments, for years I faced a doctor I hated, who always made me feel worse and would always say, “Oh, well your gonna die anyway”. I accepted that for the longest time. And she has a huge influence on my life, and NOT a positive one I may add. In fact when I found out she was leaving, I actually threw a party. I mean, what doctor does that? A doctor should care for you unconditionally, and should always be positive and help you overcome any obstacle you may face. I have no ill will towards here, but I am so thrilled with the fact that she is miles away, never to hurt me again.

Then I had even family who were negative. As I mentioned in previous blogs, I had enough to deal with as a child and young adult, I really expected to rely on my family for support. But often times I found that really difficult to do. My mother always seemed so busy, tending for three precious children, I often didn’t feel comfortable burdening here with my issues. Also, where she was a smoker, I often felt she really didn’t ‘get’ my illness and understand my needs. I remember friends in as early as junior high being very confused as to why my mother smoked around me, when I had a lung disease. It must be stated that my mother took VERY good care of us kids, in fact, I often wonder to this day how she got through what she has been through. She is a super Mom. One of my hero’s.

Then there was my father. He being an alcoholic, for the most part my memories with him are not the greatest. I’m a big believer that how you are raised has a direct impact on how you will raise. And I am not making excuses for him, but he grew up in an alcoholic home, and had parents who were unable to show love. I do have some positive memories, like going swimming every Saturday and camping. Going to the park and spending lots of time outdoors in the winter time was my favorite. But my father was very abusive. More than anyone would like to admit. At the age of 9, I wrote my mother a letter and stated very plainly that she had a choice. Dad, or me. She very quickly packed up me and my little sister and took us to Ontario. Shortly after though, my Mother was put on abduction charges and we were forced to come back to Newfoundland. We were on the news and everything!

I remember one particular incident with my father where I had to through one of those old fashioned heavy ash trays at him and it cracked in two, I hit him so hard. It cut his arm and then I immediately took the other piece and sliced my wrist and ran to a neighbor house and begged them for help. But and my frightened mother twisted the story and was forced back home. Shortly after I remember being in my room listening to music. We were arguing, so I put a chair up in to my door, between the wall and the door, for my safety. Before I knew it, the chair was in pieces, there was a hole in the wall and I was hanging by my neck at the hands of my father. As I cried myself to sleep, I asked God why I had to have CF AND have to grow up this way? I could tell several more stories but I’m trying to keep this blog positive.

Because of fear that I gained from my childhood, I often let bullies have their way when I was in school. I didn’t surround myself with negative people on purpose, but they somehow managed to hurt me. A look going through the halls or a derogatory comment would just suck the life out of me. I owe my survival of school to four amazing girls and I would like to name them. Deborah Hawksley (who continues to be my best friend), Amy Fowler, Ashley Tobin and Rebecca Gillingham. Those POSSITIVE people are why I survived High School and I cannot stress that enough.

Then as I got older, it may sound strange, but having negative people around I think became a sub- conscience need to know that other people have it worse than I do. What I didn’t realize is that it affected me physically and actually caused me to be put on anti-depressants. When I got married my wife was my best friend. She always had a way of turning and rainstorm into a burst of sunshine. She was literally my rock. I tend to be a dramatic person, so she always helped me gain perspective. But her family was very negative. In particular one of her older sisters, and her father. The life always felt taken right out of me whenever they were around. I always felt like I was NEVER good enough and was constantly picked on and looked down on for every single blessed mistake I made. For someone who strongly needed a father figure, it was not what I needed. And then I surrounded myself with people who judged everyone in the world. No one was good enough, unless you were like them. It caused me to have a very negative perception of people. Instead of looking for the good in people, I looked for the negative, that in turn makes you negative.

Finally in my new life I have vowed, NO NEGATIVITY!!!

Life is too short to be around people who don’t make you feel good. And for someone who really does have a lot in life to be negative over, I just don’t need those influences. I believe attitude is contagious, and that if we strive to be positive and a light to the world, we will be rewarded. We will even FEEL better physically. Finding the light in any dark situation has given me a completely new mindset. I remember when I first came out of the closet, I struggled briefly to find acceptance and feel wanted again, and I was overwhelmed by the amount of people who expressed their forever love, regardless of my sexual orientation. I lost hundreds of friends, but the ones I’ve gained – are REAL friends. Friends that I know will be there at the end of the day, rain or shine.

Coming to terms with a troubled past has also given me peace and positivity.

So the next time your with people, ask yourself, “Do these people make me feel good or bad? Do they help me see light in situations, or do they constantly focus on the darkness? Am I better person because I know them?” Don’t wait 25 years like I have to set yourself free from bad attitudes! And look in the mirror and remind yourself, “You are worthy!” No matter if it’s family, friends that you’ve had for years or just people you feel you ‘need’ to be around, get away from the poison. You actually will “breathe” easier!!

“Negativity is an addiction to the bleak shadow that lingers around every human form ... you can transfigure negativity by turning it toward the light of your soul.”   JOHN O'DONOHUE

Xo
Jamie Leigh Fransis

Saying "YES!" to life

Saying “YES!” to life

One of the things that I hate most about myself is that I easily go into pity party mode when things in life don’t always go the way I had hoped they would.

My childhood was not the best one. I grew up in an alcoholic home where I was at times abused in a physical, emotional and mental way. Dealing with an illness was not enough, that I had to worry a lot over being exposed to cigarette smoke from a very young age. So having both parents with their own addictions was no doubt hard at times.

Then at the age of 10, I was raped. I didn’t know what it was at the time but I knew it was wrong. It has only been in recent years that I exposed this harsh reality to my family because I was so ashamed.

And then on top of everything, because I was “different”, I was often teased and bullied a lot in school. Between my sickness and feminine ways, I often didn’t fit in with the minority and that often led me to be left out and alone.

Then in my late teens I joined a religious organization that turned me into a robot and changed who I really was, at the core. It took almost losing my life to realize that I needed to break out of it and I have had to lose many friends and people who claimed to love me. Much, much heartache I have faced.  Then dealing with being gay on top of it all and now having to go through a divorce and re-inventing myself…..feww I’m worn out just telling you about my life!

So no doubt I haven’t had the perfect life, but who has? I’m such a huge fan of Kelly Clarkson’s latest hit “Stronger (What doesn’t kill you)” It’s so true when you think about the words. Anything that doesn’t kill us, actually makes us stronger for the future. I spent so much of my life being angry at the world, angry at God for not giving me a better life that I didn’t stop and think about everything in my life that was good and going well.

 I wasn’t saying “YES!” to my life!

The reality is that sometimes bad things happen to good people and things happen that are totally out of our control, but saying “YES” and accepting what happens to us, rather than fight and feel all kinds of emotions is actually empowering. For example; I now have to face the reality that I need to undergo a surgery that will take hours to break open my rib cage, take out bad lungs, then hook up new ones. I have to go through weeks of recover. On top of all of that I have the work that goes into this beforehand and then I have no guarantee this will actually work! So with those facts in mind, I could throw a pity party, I could make everyone’s life miserable, I could bring on unneeded stress to my family and friends, but I don’t want to. Instead, I’m going to say “YES!” to life. I’m going to accept my reality and deal with what I can.
Many things happen in life that we have absolutely no control over, but we DO have control over how we react to it, many options in fact. But having a positive approach has brought much calmness to my life and has enriched my journey.

My mother is a very wise woman, and she too has had to learn some lessons the hard way. I remember since my young adulthood, she taught me the serenity prayer;

God grant me the serenity, to accept the things that I cannot change
Courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

I am a believer in God, so the first step I do is to leave things in his hands and ask for serenity, or peace. Then I try to accept the things that I cannot change; I cannot change the fact that I have CF. I cannot change my past. I cannot change others.
Then I ask for courage to change the things that I can; I can change my attitude towards having CF and really set an example for others living with this terrible disease. I can embrace many of the positive things that a life threatening illness brings on. I can change how I view my past and really learn from it and help others through their pain. And though I cannot change others, I can work harder at expressing myself to them, and try and help them understand different things.

But here’s the hard part, the wisdom to know the difference.  Sometimes when we are right in the middle of a heated situation, it’s hard for us to identify the difference between the two, and that is where serenity comes from. The ability to identify what we really need to worry and stress over, and what we don’t!

Listen, I’m not saying that I have this attitude all the time, and it has taken a lot of work on myself to get to this place, but I can tell you that accepting and saying “YES!” to what life throws our way has certainly given me a fresh perspective and has allowed my life to be less hectic and has brought me much joy and peace.

“Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.”
~ William James

xo
Jamie Leigh Fransis