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| March 2012 |
Breaking Point
I think everyone at some point in their lives have a breaking point, or a time when they hit rock bottom and cannot go on anymore. I have had quite a few….
Growing up in an alcoholic home was no place for a child. I spent a lot of my childhood in fear; fear of the next beating, fear of pissing someone off and having to suffer the consequences. I’m not going to get into details again about the abuse I had to suffer, I have already done that in past blogs. This is merely to highlight the breaking point I had. You see, at a young age, I knew that I deserved better. I knew my mother deserved better as well. So I decided it was time to write her a letter. I wonder sometimes if my life would have gotten better if I had not written the letter to my mom. The letter stated pretty much that I was tired and that it was time for her to make a choice. Did she want to stay with an abusive husband, or take us kids from the home away from the abuse. Those were her options. And I made it very clear, even at the tender age of 9 that I was leaving with or without her. I had reached a breaking point.
Luckily, she chose to leave. So, my younger sister, me and my mom packed up our things literally overnight and mom drove us to Ontario. It was a new adventure for us, a new start. Sadly though, it didn’t last long. Because my mother had gotten misinformation from the law system here in Newfoundland we had to return, as my mother was accused of abducting us kids from my father. The justice system is so messed up! I’m grateful that she only took Dad back once after this occasion and eventually decided to leave him for good. They have been divorced since I was 12.
You would think I had the perfect life, looking at me from the outside when I was married to my wife. Had a nice home, a nice car and a decent lifestyle. But inside I was crying in pain and agony; a constant war within myself. Of course everything is beautiful when you’re looking through rose colored glasses, but if those around me only knew the anguish I was having every single day. My wife was a beautiful soul to live with. We had many a great moments together. But there was always something missing. I’ve known I was gay since a very early age, but religion got in the way and almost cost me my life. I came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe God doesn’t like the fact that I am a homosexual. And I tried, God knows I tried for 7 long years to fight it. But, I came to the conclusion that I think he would rather I live the life I believed he meant for me to live than to end my life all together. Nobody in their right mind would CHOSE to be gay. We experience so much hatred and percussion, why would anyone want that? It’s a choice God made for us when he created us. A choice that I had to learn not to be ashamed of and rather, embrace. But it took going down that long, dark road for me to be able to have seen the light. It took me almost ending my life to learn to accept the one I was truly meant to live. It was another breaking point.
But the hardest breaking point I can honestly say I have had was the one I experienced this past hospitalization. Sometimes you just get so tired of fighting. People with CF fight every damn day just to try and stay alive. Again looking from the outside things appear to be just peachy. Looking at someone with CF, you can’t really tell there is anything wrong, that’s one of the things I hate about the disease. But inside, you are drowning. I had been sick for so long and every time the doctor would come in there was just always more bad news. I felt so alone, and often wondered were my past religious ideals correct; was God really punishing me for leaving what I thought was the true religion. All of this was playing on my mind. Then it happened, my breaking point. It was the longest day in my life, and I swear I could have filled a local arena with the tears I cried. I just wanted to die. I was tired. My body was tired. Every facet of my being was just so tired. I honestly thought my body was done. And that’s the thing about breaking points. You think you are finished, but it’s at those moments in life you discover just how truly strong you are. Because I did a lot of thinking that day. And I came to the conclusion that I could let this destroy me, sure. And it probably wouldn’t take that long. OR. I could actually continue to fight. Fight for all those who couldn’t fight, my friends who have lost their battle far too early. So that’s what I did and am continuing to do.
No one chooses to have breaking points in their life, life just hands them to us. Often times we as human beings are reminded just how insignificant we really are, and yet how powerful we can be. And each of my times of weakness taught me that. That no matter how hopeless a situation seemed at the time, there was always a way out. I didn’t see it in that very moment, but when I just renewed my faith a little and pressed forward and carried on, that’s when the miracles start happening. Each one of those occasions made me so much stronger for future battles I would encounter in life.
I see people today, living their lives so luxuriously and full of wealth and material things, and I just find it so sad. Because they do not know what it is like to be bottomed out, to feel like the world is going to end. And these are the people who will fall off the wagon when a loved one of theirs gets a bad diagnosis. See that’s the beauty in pain, it hardens you and makes you stronger. When we as humans encounter trials in our life and learn ways to rise above it, that’s where true strength lies. No amount of money can give you that!
So the next time you are feeling down and out, and just can’t take it anymore, perhaps you are on the verge of having a breaking point. And after that breaking point, something beautiful awaits you. A realization that you are stronger than you’ve ever imagined and that no situation is too hopeless for you to tackle, head on with full force. Or at least that’s what happened for me. There is good in everything. We just need to learn to see it!
I can’t say if I will have any more rock-bottom moments in my life. But I do know that I am ready. My past has prepared me for my future. I know in my heart that there is going to be harder moments ahead, but I feel powerful and ready to take them on. And I truly believe that having Perry, the love of my life by my side, I can take on the world. His support and endless love has been one of the greatest blessings I have been given in my life.
Don’t give up!
You can do this!
“ Whether you think you can or
whether you think you can't,
you're right."
~ Henry Ford
I think everyone at some point in their lives have a breaking point, or a time when they hit rock bottom and cannot go on anymore. I have had quite a few….
Growing up in an alcoholic home was no place for a child. I spent a lot of my childhood in fear; fear of the next beating, fear of pissing someone off and having to suffer the consequences. I’m not going to get into details again about the abuse I had to suffer, I have already done that in past blogs. This is merely to highlight the breaking point I had. You see, at a young age, I knew that I deserved better. I knew my mother deserved better as well. So I decided it was time to write her a letter. I wonder sometimes if my life would have gotten better if I had not written the letter to my mom. The letter stated pretty much that I was tired and that it was time for her to make a choice. Did she want to stay with an abusive husband, or take us kids from the home away from the abuse. Those were her options. And I made it very clear, even at the tender age of 9 that I was leaving with or without her. I had reached a breaking point.
Luckily, she chose to leave. So, my younger sister, me and my mom packed up our things literally overnight and mom drove us to Ontario. It was a new adventure for us, a new start. Sadly though, it didn’t last long. Because my mother had gotten misinformation from the law system here in Newfoundland we had to return, as my mother was accused of abducting us kids from my father. The justice system is so messed up! I’m grateful that she only took Dad back once after this occasion and eventually decided to leave him for good. They have been divorced since I was 12.
You would think I had the perfect life, looking at me from the outside when I was married to my wife. Had a nice home, a nice car and a decent lifestyle. But inside I was crying in pain and agony; a constant war within myself. Of course everything is beautiful when you’re looking through rose colored glasses, but if those around me only knew the anguish I was having every single day. My wife was a beautiful soul to live with. We had many a great moments together. But there was always something missing. I’ve known I was gay since a very early age, but religion got in the way and almost cost me my life. I came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe God doesn’t like the fact that I am a homosexual. And I tried, God knows I tried for 7 long years to fight it. But, I came to the conclusion that I think he would rather I live the life I believed he meant for me to live than to end my life all together. Nobody in their right mind would CHOSE to be gay. We experience so much hatred and percussion, why would anyone want that? It’s a choice God made for us when he created us. A choice that I had to learn not to be ashamed of and rather, embrace. But it took going down that long, dark road for me to be able to have seen the light. It took me almost ending my life to learn to accept the one I was truly meant to live. It was another breaking point.
But the hardest breaking point I can honestly say I have had was the one I experienced this past hospitalization. Sometimes you just get so tired of fighting. People with CF fight every damn day just to try and stay alive. Again looking from the outside things appear to be just peachy. Looking at someone with CF, you can’t really tell there is anything wrong, that’s one of the things I hate about the disease. But inside, you are drowning. I had been sick for so long and every time the doctor would come in there was just always more bad news. I felt so alone, and often wondered were my past religious ideals correct; was God really punishing me for leaving what I thought was the true religion. All of this was playing on my mind. Then it happened, my breaking point. It was the longest day in my life, and I swear I could have filled a local arena with the tears I cried. I just wanted to die. I was tired. My body was tired. Every facet of my being was just so tired. I honestly thought my body was done. And that’s the thing about breaking points. You think you are finished, but it’s at those moments in life you discover just how truly strong you are. Because I did a lot of thinking that day. And I came to the conclusion that I could let this destroy me, sure. And it probably wouldn’t take that long. OR. I could actually continue to fight. Fight for all those who couldn’t fight, my friends who have lost their battle far too early. So that’s what I did and am continuing to do.
No one chooses to have breaking points in their life, life just hands them to us. Often times we as human beings are reminded just how insignificant we really are, and yet how powerful we can be. And each of my times of weakness taught me that. That no matter how hopeless a situation seemed at the time, there was always a way out. I didn’t see it in that very moment, but when I just renewed my faith a little and pressed forward and carried on, that’s when the miracles start happening. Each one of those occasions made me so much stronger for future battles I would encounter in life.
I see people today, living their lives so luxuriously and full of wealth and material things, and I just find it so sad. Because they do not know what it is like to be bottomed out, to feel like the world is going to end. And these are the people who will fall off the wagon when a loved one of theirs gets a bad diagnosis. See that’s the beauty in pain, it hardens you and makes you stronger. When we as humans encounter trials in our life and learn ways to rise above it, that’s where true strength lies. No amount of money can give you that!
So the next time you are feeling down and out, and just can’t take it anymore, perhaps you are on the verge of having a breaking point. And after that breaking point, something beautiful awaits you. A realization that you are stronger than you’ve ever imagined and that no situation is too hopeless for you to tackle, head on with full force. Or at least that’s what happened for me. There is good in everything. We just need to learn to see it!
I can’t say if I will have any more rock-bottom moments in my life. But I do know that I am ready. My past has prepared me for my future. I know in my heart that there is going to be harder moments ahead, but I feel powerful and ready to take them on. And I truly believe that having Perry, the love of my life by my side, I can take on the world. His support and endless love has been one of the greatest blessings I have been given in my life.
Don’t give up!
You can do this!
“ Whether you think you can or
whether you think you can't,
you're right."
~ Henry Ford
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
xo
