Finding my own truth
Before I get started on this entry, I want to say that this is in no way meant to offend anyone, anywhere, and that this is strictly my opinion.
Ever since I was young, I always longed to have some kind of belief in God. I blamed him for much of the hardships that I had and could never really see myself believing in any kind of creator. Dealing with a terminal illness, you long for answers and some kind of reason why things happen the way they do.
Prior to becoming a Jehovah’s Witness in 2005, I never really had many beliefs. I knew deep down in my heart that there was a God, but never knew who, or what he was. So for the next 6 years I spent every waking second practicing and living in their ways. One thing that I did know for sure from a very early age, was that I was a homosexual. I never imagined as a child growing up, and starting a family with a woman. But when I got involved with religion at the age of 16, they taught me not long after I started studying with them, that God, whom they call Jehovah, does not accept nor approve of a homosexual lifestyle. And upon learning this, putting ‘the fear of God’ in me was an understatement. I somehow managed to burry inside, yet still under the surface of who I was, my feelings toward the same sex.
I was a JW for 2 years before I married my wife. And in panning the wedding I told myself that this was it, this is what God wanted me to do, and at the time I was truly ok with that. I loved her, she was my best friend. I thought that I could someday “pray the gay away”, as they teach. So, I tried to have faith and out of my fear of what other witnesses would say about me being Gay, and even other family members, I tied the knot with a woman. We actually had a pretty good life together. We had our problems, mostly caused by me, but we were happy. But very soon, despite being taught weekly that God does not like, approve nor accept homosexuals, I become like a volcano just waiting to erupt. I was starting to develop a very strong yearning to explore my sexuality and see if I truly was a homosexual. Yet, the little voice from my past always haunted me and caused such mixed emotions that I just crashed.
I learned a lot over those years, but I didn’t learn a lot from the bible. I learned more about humanity and respect, about being true to yourself and to others. Jehovah’s Witnesses strive every day to live life perfectly, but no one is perfect. We all make mistakes and I hated always feeling like I was letting God down by everything I was doing. I always had this mental stigma that I was a big disappointment. This alone caused much depression and sadness.
It may sound strange but I feel closer to God now, than when I was in an organized religion. I’m not exactly sure what my religious beliefs are now, as I have not had a need to go there yet. But what I do know is that God does love me just the way I am, and I will not tolerate anyone who tells me otherwise. The leaders of the JW’s always used to say to me that if I left Alicia to pursue a homosexual lifestyle, then that would be making a choice and that God would not approve of. However, I can assure all of you reading this that being a homosexual is NOT a choice. Why would anyone want to choose to be so hated all around the world, be beaten or spit upon? Why would I choose to become involved with judged group of people who do not get treated equally or have the same basic human rights as a straight person? Why would I choose to live a life of torment, being uncomfortable in my own skin? It is NOT a choice, and anyone who thinks such a thing is obviously not properly educated.
It almost cost me my life to leave Alicia. If I didn’t succeed in taking my life the first time, I would have made sure I did the second. But luckily I reached out to people who taught me to love myself and ACCEPT myself. I reasoned that, if God didn’t approve of my living a homosexual lifestyle he sure wouldn’t approve of me taking my life. So I chose the lesser of two evils. I lost a lot of friends, some that I still yearn to talk to and connect with, but what I have gained I cannot even express here in words. The respect I have for myself now when I look in the mirror. The smile that embraces my face throughout my days for no reason other than pride in what I have accomplished in my life now that I am free to be who I was meant to be. I could go on and on…..
I do not regret any of my past, only that I didn’t have the balls to come out sooner. I believe that the roads we choose to travel bring us to a better place and that the things we learn along the way make up who we are. I do believe that we should not judge in fear that we may be judged, and I never judged so many people as what I did when I was a JW. If you weren’t a JW, you were nothing. And yet they still expected strangers to listen to our message when we went from door to door. I’m not angry at them, nor do I have any ill will towards any of them, we all have free will and make choices that fit our own lives. It just makes me sad that after I left and come out of the closet, I got messages from three other men in Newfoundland who told me I had such courage and bravery for doing what I did, and that they two are gay but could never leave out of fear of being killed by God and judged by others. I am just so thank-full that people came into my life when they did and taught me to love myself enough to make the decisions that I did make. That in itself makes me believe that I am in the exact place in life where I am meant to be and that the road ahead is bright because of it.
Accepting yourself 100% does not come over night. It took a long time before I got over the doubts I was having as to whether or not I made the right choices. But the truth, my truth is, I am a much happier, healthier and better person because of being me. When I was pretending to be someone else and covering up, and killing the real Jamie, that’s when I had problems in my life. But now that I am an eagle, able to spread my wings….there is no height limitations or restrictions that can hold me back from being and doing what I want to. I just had to be willing to first learn to spread my wings, for I was a captive, scared little sparrow for so long.
Find your own truth. If it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, that’s ok. But at the end of the day, when your head hits that pillow, love who you are and not have any regrets. And if the path you are on right now isn’t working for you, find another one and as the old saying goes, “if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again”. But never give up until you know in your mind, in your heart and in your whole entire being that you are on the right path!
“Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't.”
Before I get started on this entry, I want to say that this is in no way meant to offend anyone, anywhere, and that this is strictly my opinion.
Ever since I was young, I always longed to have some kind of belief in God. I blamed him for much of the hardships that I had and could never really see myself believing in any kind of creator. Dealing with a terminal illness, you long for answers and some kind of reason why things happen the way they do.
Prior to becoming a Jehovah’s Witness in 2005, I never really had many beliefs. I knew deep down in my heart that there was a God, but never knew who, or what he was. So for the next 6 years I spent every waking second practicing and living in their ways. One thing that I did know for sure from a very early age, was that I was a homosexual. I never imagined as a child growing up, and starting a family with a woman. But when I got involved with religion at the age of 16, they taught me not long after I started studying with them, that God, whom they call Jehovah, does not accept nor approve of a homosexual lifestyle. And upon learning this, putting ‘the fear of God’ in me was an understatement. I somehow managed to burry inside, yet still under the surface of who I was, my feelings toward the same sex.
I was a JW for 2 years before I married my wife. And in panning the wedding I told myself that this was it, this is what God wanted me to do, and at the time I was truly ok with that. I loved her, she was my best friend. I thought that I could someday “pray the gay away”, as they teach. So, I tried to have faith and out of my fear of what other witnesses would say about me being Gay, and even other family members, I tied the knot with a woman. We actually had a pretty good life together. We had our problems, mostly caused by me, but we were happy. But very soon, despite being taught weekly that God does not like, approve nor accept homosexuals, I become like a volcano just waiting to erupt. I was starting to develop a very strong yearning to explore my sexuality and see if I truly was a homosexual. Yet, the little voice from my past always haunted me and caused such mixed emotions that I just crashed.
I learned a lot over those years, but I didn’t learn a lot from the bible. I learned more about humanity and respect, about being true to yourself and to others. Jehovah’s Witnesses strive every day to live life perfectly, but no one is perfect. We all make mistakes and I hated always feeling like I was letting God down by everything I was doing. I always had this mental stigma that I was a big disappointment. This alone caused much depression and sadness.
It may sound strange but I feel closer to God now, than when I was in an organized religion. I’m not exactly sure what my religious beliefs are now, as I have not had a need to go there yet. But what I do know is that God does love me just the way I am, and I will not tolerate anyone who tells me otherwise. The leaders of the JW’s always used to say to me that if I left Alicia to pursue a homosexual lifestyle, then that would be making a choice and that God would not approve of. However, I can assure all of you reading this that being a homosexual is NOT a choice. Why would anyone want to choose to be so hated all around the world, be beaten or spit upon? Why would I choose to become involved with judged group of people who do not get treated equally or have the same basic human rights as a straight person? Why would I choose to live a life of torment, being uncomfortable in my own skin? It is NOT a choice, and anyone who thinks such a thing is obviously not properly educated.
It almost cost me my life to leave Alicia. If I didn’t succeed in taking my life the first time, I would have made sure I did the second. But luckily I reached out to people who taught me to love myself and ACCEPT myself. I reasoned that, if God didn’t approve of my living a homosexual lifestyle he sure wouldn’t approve of me taking my life. So I chose the lesser of two evils. I lost a lot of friends, some that I still yearn to talk to and connect with, but what I have gained I cannot even express here in words. The respect I have for myself now when I look in the mirror. The smile that embraces my face throughout my days for no reason other than pride in what I have accomplished in my life now that I am free to be who I was meant to be. I could go on and on…..
I do not regret any of my past, only that I didn’t have the balls to come out sooner. I believe that the roads we choose to travel bring us to a better place and that the things we learn along the way make up who we are. I do believe that we should not judge in fear that we may be judged, and I never judged so many people as what I did when I was a JW. If you weren’t a JW, you were nothing. And yet they still expected strangers to listen to our message when we went from door to door. I’m not angry at them, nor do I have any ill will towards any of them, we all have free will and make choices that fit our own lives. It just makes me sad that after I left and come out of the closet, I got messages from three other men in Newfoundland who told me I had such courage and bravery for doing what I did, and that they two are gay but could never leave out of fear of being killed by God and judged by others. I am just so thank-full that people came into my life when they did and taught me to love myself enough to make the decisions that I did make. That in itself makes me believe that I am in the exact place in life where I am meant to be and that the road ahead is bright because of it.
Accepting yourself 100% does not come over night. It took a long time before I got over the doubts I was having as to whether or not I made the right choices. But the truth, my truth is, I am a much happier, healthier and better person because of being me. When I was pretending to be someone else and covering up, and killing the real Jamie, that’s when I had problems in my life. But now that I am an eagle, able to spread my wings….there is no height limitations or restrictions that can hold me back from being and doing what I want to. I just had to be willing to first learn to spread my wings, for I was a captive, scared little sparrow for so long.
Find your own truth. If it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, that’s ok. But at the end of the day, when your head hits that pillow, love who you are and not have any regrets. And if the path you are on right now isn’t working for you, find another one and as the old saying goes, “if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again”. But never give up until you know in your mind, in your heart and in your whole entire being that you are on the right path!
“Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't.”
--Eleanor
Roosevelt
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
