How do you measure, measure a year?
It was around 7pm when the phone rang. It was my big sister. I was feeling suicidal again and just wanted to give up on life. She insisted that she had had enough and that she was calling our father to come and pick me up in the morning and take me out of the life that I so desperately needed out of. I agreed after much encouragement and got in the van and headed to Gander to pick up some boxes in which to put my things. I arrived back home, began to pack up my things and tried to block out my sobbing wife from the background. Even though she knew in her heart that this was coming, no woman wants to acknowledge that their husband is leaving to pursue a homosexual lifestyle. It was really hard on her, and our goodbye is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. If only I had the courage to not even join a religion that didn’t approve of who I was at heart. The next morning dad arrived early and we immediately packed my things onto the truck. It didn’t take long. And after a kiss to both my cat’s and very emotional goodbye to our dog, Jorja and a beautiful goodbye with my ex, I got in the truck and drove away from a life I so desperately hated. I cried for most of the way to town. I thought of how happy we both were at one point in our lives, and how beautiful of a person she was. I thought of how I was going to miss her big smile and mesmerizing big brown eyes. But I also thought of what lie ahead. Will I actually get a chance at happiness now? Will my courage for leaving be rewarded with a new happy, exciting existence?
There are 525,600 minutes within a year. And as I look back over this past year, I cannot help but cry and smile. So much has happened, so much I am grateful for. I almost feel as if I were born at the age of 25. I have spent the past twenty-five years preparing to begin life to the fullest and to be authentic in this journey that God has placed me on. I often reflect on moments in the past and it scares me because I do not even recognize the man I used to be. A scared soul, with no love for himself whatsoever. Someone whom would have preferred pleasing others than to have a moment’s happiness for himself. Someone who truly gave up on life and would have much rather died than to live one more day of misery of feeling trapped in a situation where there was no escape.
Time is a beautiful thing. It allows us to heal and grow in order to achieve better success on this journey. I cannot help be proud of myself now after one year, that I was able to gather the courage from within and face life head on and take control of my own destiny. I do have my sad days when I think of Alicia and everything we were. I have said before her and I shared some great moments together. Moments I will take with me to the grave. But to stand out in this world takes more effort than blending in. I faced a lot of people who would not approve of my lifestyle choice and even had some pretty nasty letters sent to me. I lost all of my Jehovah’s Witness friends overnight, hundreds of them, because they do not approve of homosexuality. But what I gained far outweighs anything I could have ever lost. I love myself today. I am able to look in the mirror and so, ok, you got it boy! This is you! I have self-respect and self-esteem, things in which you lose while trying to conceal the truth from even yourself. And when it comes to losing friends and family members because of my decisions, I am at peace with that. I pray for them all the time, that they lift their judgmental hearts to place of love and acceptance. I cannot control what other people do in their lives, nor can they control me anymore. But I can respect them. They have their right to their opinion just as much as I do. And besides, the friends and relationships I have gained over the past 365 days far outweighs anything I had in my past life. Why? Because they are real. I am able to be me when talking to others now. Not needing to hide anything from anyone. It’s an amazing feeling for someone who spent his life making sure everyone else was happy yet paying little heed to what made me happy. I also have my days where I miss people in Alicia’s family. Her sister Brandi and I were close and her niece Nitika. I miss them terribly but can only pray that they stay well and happy in life. I am confident in knowing that the people who have stayed by my side are the people that love me for who I am, not what I am, and that makes me so happy.
It’s hard to imagine that had I stayed in the situation I was in, transplant would not even be something I would be considering right now. And that saddens my heart to no end. The religion I was a part of did not approve of the use of blood for medicinal purposes. So I just accepted the fact that I would die a slow and painful death, as it is impossible to do a double lung transplant totally bloodless. Therefore I had myself convinced that the end would come. But now that I have escaped that cloud, I am so excited to have this amazing opportunity lay ahead of me. As I have said before, I would be lying if I said at times I don’t get scared, it’s a big procedure with many risks. But at least now I get to choose life instead of death.
On September 20th, 2012, I became the happiest man alive. Perry my partner in crime agreed to marry me someday in the near future. I am overjoyed with a heart full of love for that man. Perry was my missing puzzle piece. He has totally flipped my world upside down so I now see everything clearly. You ever have a situation where something happens and you just know it was meant to be and it just feels so right? That’s the way this man makes me feel every single day. He is able to give me something my ex-wife never could. If you had told me last year when I was about to leave that in a year, I would be above and beyond happy and that I would have found the real love of my life, I would have laughed in your face. That was my biggest fear in leaving, never finding love again. But as I began to learn to love myself that’s when I was blessed with Perry. He brings out the best in me, and that is what a lover is supposed to do. He makes me want to strive to be a better person, better friend, brother, son….. And as I move forward with him, I am only confident that our bond of love will continue to get more intense. I could not have ordered a better man to join me, hand in hand as I continue on this journey. I Love You Babe!
So in the past 525,600 minutes that have passed since the day I started living, there have been some down days. Day’s where I questioned if I made the right decision. I had some pretty rough relationships when I felt entered the gay world, but that was only because I was on the rebound and hadn’t yet accepted and loved myself. The of course I got sick and the old religious man in my head questioned whether or not I was being punished by God for making the choices that I had made. I have had to work hard over the past year of retraining my thinking and it will still take some time as I lived in one particular way for 8 years of my existence.
Am I happy? Was it worth it? Let’s just say that as I cry my heart out as I conclude this blog entry, I am so thrilled at where my life is. This journey hasn’t been easy, but it keeps getting better and better every day. And even though, yes, I have some pretty scary things happening to me in the near future, I am so proud of the man I am today! J I feel better equipped to handle those things now that I am living as Jamie Chafe was intended to live. We are all here for a reason. Sometimes it takes others to figure out longer why they are. I’m glad it didn’t take me too long. I know I am here to do something great. I’m not sure what that is yet, and I am anxious to find out. But until then I am going to continue to try and be a shining light in people’s lives and to spread hope and joy to those who are going through difficult times. Some great expressions of love were shown to me when I was bottomed out and now it’s my time to pay it forward.
I want to take a moment to thank you all for your amazing support towards me this past year. I could not have done it without the loving support from those who mean the most to me. I know at times it may have seemed hopeless to stay by my side because I was in such a mess, but you stuck with me and help me become who I am today and for that I will be forever grateful. And to those of you reading this who may be going through some rough waters in your life; a special message to you. Follow your heart! When life knocks at the door, do not ignore it. Embrace it. It will only get better when you do. You cannot do what I did and sit around and wait for change to happen. Change requires action on our part. Make the changes you need to make in order to ensure your own happiness. Life is too damn short people! And you are worth it!
It was around 7pm when the phone rang. It was my big sister. I was feeling suicidal again and just wanted to give up on life. She insisted that she had had enough and that she was calling our father to come and pick me up in the morning and take me out of the life that I so desperately needed out of. I agreed after much encouragement and got in the van and headed to Gander to pick up some boxes in which to put my things. I arrived back home, began to pack up my things and tried to block out my sobbing wife from the background. Even though she knew in her heart that this was coming, no woman wants to acknowledge that their husband is leaving to pursue a homosexual lifestyle. It was really hard on her, and our goodbye is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. If only I had the courage to not even join a religion that didn’t approve of who I was at heart. The next morning dad arrived early and we immediately packed my things onto the truck. It didn’t take long. And after a kiss to both my cat’s and very emotional goodbye to our dog, Jorja and a beautiful goodbye with my ex, I got in the truck and drove away from a life I so desperately hated. I cried for most of the way to town. I thought of how happy we both were at one point in our lives, and how beautiful of a person she was. I thought of how I was going to miss her big smile and mesmerizing big brown eyes. But I also thought of what lie ahead. Will I actually get a chance at happiness now? Will my courage for leaving be rewarded with a new happy, exciting existence?
There are 525,600 minutes within a year. And as I look back over this past year, I cannot help but cry and smile. So much has happened, so much I am grateful for. I almost feel as if I were born at the age of 25. I have spent the past twenty-five years preparing to begin life to the fullest and to be authentic in this journey that God has placed me on. I often reflect on moments in the past and it scares me because I do not even recognize the man I used to be. A scared soul, with no love for himself whatsoever. Someone whom would have preferred pleasing others than to have a moment’s happiness for himself. Someone who truly gave up on life and would have much rather died than to live one more day of misery of feeling trapped in a situation where there was no escape.
Time is a beautiful thing. It allows us to heal and grow in order to achieve better success on this journey. I cannot help be proud of myself now after one year, that I was able to gather the courage from within and face life head on and take control of my own destiny. I do have my sad days when I think of Alicia and everything we were. I have said before her and I shared some great moments together. Moments I will take with me to the grave. But to stand out in this world takes more effort than blending in. I faced a lot of people who would not approve of my lifestyle choice and even had some pretty nasty letters sent to me. I lost all of my Jehovah’s Witness friends overnight, hundreds of them, because they do not approve of homosexuality. But what I gained far outweighs anything I could have ever lost. I love myself today. I am able to look in the mirror and so, ok, you got it boy! This is you! I have self-respect and self-esteem, things in which you lose while trying to conceal the truth from even yourself. And when it comes to losing friends and family members because of my decisions, I am at peace with that. I pray for them all the time, that they lift their judgmental hearts to place of love and acceptance. I cannot control what other people do in their lives, nor can they control me anymore. But I can respect them. They have their right to their opinion just as much as I do. And besides, the friends and relationships I have gained over the past 365 days far outweighs anything I had in my past life. Why? Because they are real. I am able to be me when talking to others now. Not needing to hide anything from anyone. It’s an amazing feeling for someone who spent his life making sure everyone else was happy yet paying little heed to what made me happy. I also have my days where I miss people in Alicia’s family. Her sister Brandi and I were close and her niece Nitika. I miss them terribly but can only pray that they stay well and happy in life. I am confident in knowing that the people who have stayed by my side are the people that love me for who I am, not what I am, and that makes me so happy.
It’s hard to imagine that had I stayed in the situation I was in, transplant would not even be something I would be considering right now. And that saddens my heart to no end. The religion I was a part of did not approve of the use of blood for medicinal purposes. So I just accepted the fact that I would die a slow and painful death, as it is impossible to do a double lung transplant totally bloodless. Therefore I had myself convinced that the end would come. But now that I have escaped that cloud, I am so excited to have this amazing opportunity lay ahead of me. As I have said before, I would be lying if I said at times I don’t get scared, it’s a big procedure with many risks. But at least now I get to choose life instead of death.
On September 20th, 2012, I became the happiest man alive. Perry my partner in crime agreed to marry me someday in the near future. I am overjoyed with a heart full of love for that man. Perry was my missing puzzle piece. He has totally flipped my world upside down so I now see everything clearly. You ever have a situation where something happens and you just know it was meant to be and it just feels so right? That’s the way this man makes me feel every single day. He is able to give me something my ex-wife never could. If you had told me last year when I was about to leave that in a year, I would be above and beyond happy and that I would have found the real love of my life, I would have laughed in your face. That was my biggest fear in leaving, never finding love again. But as I began to learn to love myself that’s when I was blessed with Perry. He brings out the best in me, and that is what a lover is supposed to do. He makes me want to strive to be a better person, better friend, brother, son….. And as I move forward with him, I am only confident that our bond of love will continue to get more intense. I could not have ordered a better man to join me, hand in hand as I continue on this journey. I Love You Babe!
So in the past 525,600 minutes that have passed since the day I started living, there have been some down days. Day’s where I questioned if I made the right decision. I had some pretty rough relationships when I felt entered the gay world, but that was only because I was on the rebound and hadn’t yet accepted and loved myself. The of course I got sick and the old religious man in my head questioned whether or not I was being punished by God for making the choices that I had made. I have had to work hard over the past year of retraining my thinking and it will still take some time as I lived in one particular way for 8 years of my existence.
Am I happy? Was it worth it? Let’s just say that as I cry my heart out as I conclude this blog entry, I am so thrilled at where my life is. This journey hasn’t been easy, but it keeps getting better and better every day. And even though, yes, I have some pretty scary things happening to me in the near future, I am so proud of the man I am today! J I feel better equipped to handle those things now that I am living as Jamie Chafe was intended to live. We are all here for a reason. Sometimes it takes others to figure out longer why they are. I’m glad it didn’t take me too long. I know I am here to do something great. I’m not sure what that is yet, and I am anxious to find out. But until then I am going to continue to try and be a shining light in people’s lives and to spread hope and joy to those who are going through difficult times. Some great expressions of love were shown to me when I was bottomed out and now it’s my time to pay it forward.
I want to take a moment to thank you all for your amazing support towards me this past year. I could not have done it without the loving support from those who mean the most to me. I know at times it may have seemed hopeless to stay by my side because I was in such a mess, but you stuck with me and help me become who I am today and for that I will be forever grateful. And to those of you reading this who may be going through some rough waters in your life; a special message to you. Follow your heart! When life knocks at the door, do not ignore it. Embrace it. It will only get better when you do. You cannot do what I did and sit around and wait for change to happen. Change requires action on our part. Make the changes you need to make in order to ensure your own happiness. Life is too damn short people! And you are worth it!
“To enjoy good health, to bring true
happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and
control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to
Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.” ~ Buddha
Peace and Much Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
Peace and Much Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
