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| A few weeks after we met... |
Imagine meeting someone. That someone has a life threatening illness and could literally die any day. You’re scared, you don’t know what to think or feel for that matter. You realize that this could be ‘the one’ but yet you’re afraid to feel what you feel because it could lead to you being hurt, or even worse have to live without that someone who oddly enough has never made you feel more alive. You take a risk. You press forward. You grow to love that person and see beyond their sickness and love them unconditionally and live with pain every day, wishing that you could remove the dark cloud that hovers over your lovers head and plagues them as the sun rises on each new day. You no longer care about neither the future nor the outcome, because life without that person would be worse than not have given them the chance and experience a love like no other.
Can you imagine that kind of love?
I’m lucky.
My blog has been an avenue for me to express my feelings and thoughts about life, love and living with a terminal illness. The response I have received is overwhelming! I always appear to be so strong, always ready for today’s challenges. But what people forget sometimes is that there is someone behind me cheering me on in the bleacher who often gets overlooked. That person is Perry, the love of my life! It’s easy to look at me and say, “Wow, I don’t know how he does it….living each day knowing that today could be his last day….”, but Perry is going through this journey just as well as I am. In fact, he is facing maybe even a harder battle, knowing that all the effort and time and energy he is putting into this, our relationship (which is an absolutely beautiful one at that) could all vanish at any moment. People tell me all the time how much courage it must take to live the way I do, so optimistic and outgoing. But is it not equally if not more courageous for someone to love someone in such a condition. To take on, what I feel, is such a burden? People are always calling me the hero…but Perry is my hero.
I had myself convinced after leaving my wife and having several bad relationships that I should just live and die alone. I had given up on the thought of ‘true love’ and just figured there was no fairytale for me. But then the most amazing thing happened.
I ‘met’ Perry on POF (Plenty of Fish). He messaged to me to see what I was up to. I told him, “Well, I’m in the hospital.” To which he replied, “What hospital?” I thought to myself this guy is either crazy or the Romeo that I had been praying for. I informed him that I was in the Health Science Centre and he then asked if it would be ok if he came to meet me. I panicked…. I had recently been admitted and was in no way ready for company. I was feeling like a bag of shit and just wanted to be alone. But at the same time, I couldn’t help but let my heart wonder if this was something. I already told him about my having Cystic Fibrosis and yet he still wants to meet me?! Most guys I meet and inform them about my illness run as fast as they can in the opposite direction. But this guy….well he is running right to the heart of the storm! So I agreed to let him come and meet me. I then thought, crap! I need to make myself look my best, fix my hair, actually get dressed, and freshen up. But then I had a thought. If this guy is ‘real’ and really looking for something, something that I knew could be beautiful, then he is really not going to care about how I look. He will just want to be here.
As he walked in the room, I was 112lbs, covered by a light sheet and looked like something who should be saying goodbye rather than saying hello. It was strange how well we hit it off. We talked like we had known each other for years. In fact, my physio therapist asked who my friends were, and when I informed her that we had just met, she was shocked. She said that she felt like she walked in on people who had known each other for years. After about an hour, he left. About five minutes past when he texted me, “Would you mind if I came back to see you next weekend?” J I thought, ok. This guy is definitely crazy! To want to come back and visit Casper the friendly ghost is nothing short of amazing. And come back he did! The next weekend and then the weekend after that and continued to come back to the hospital for the next 9 weeks, when he got off work for the weekends. His abnormally large heart looked beyond the IV polls and the ventilation masks and oxygen tanks. He say me. Not my CF, but who I truly was as a person. After we started to get close and both realized that this was heading somewhere and fast, I asked him why he did it. Why he came back weekend after weekend and just showed such extreme compassion. His response? “I’m not going to not be with you just because you are sick. You deserve to be loved as well as anyone else, if not more!”Romeo!?! I think I found you!
Even though I am the one going through this, Perry is the one watching me, holding my hand reminding me that all is well and that I will be ok. And even though we are both realistic and know that the end of this story may not be a happy ending, I know in my heart there is nowhere that man would rather be than by my side. The beauty in our lives is something a lot of people would not understand and the love we have for each other is something out of this world. It’s like the world stops moving when he looks me in the eyes and tells me how much he loves me. I feel like superman who can concur anything and everything that steps in my path.
Can you imagine that kind of love?
Almost a year has passed and our relationship continues to grow. We are busy planning our wedding. Something I never thought I would live to experience again is another wedding. But it’s happening. To a man whom I do not deserve. A man who reminds me what it truly means to be an inspiration. He has sacrificed a lot to be with me, even losing some close friends who don’t understand our decisions and way of life. In my opinion they are intimidated by what we have and cannot comprehend someone experiencing such happiness. He has sacrificed time, energy, resources and is willing to do anything for me. To go above and beyond what’s expected of a lover is what he has done and continues to do. He may not ever understand my gratitude I have towards him for ‘taking me on’, and learning to love me, but I plan on spending the rest of the time I do have with him showing him.
To know that I don’t have to face the future alone is something you cannot even imagine. To know that I have a soldier by my side who I know will be there no matter what is a sense of security no man can understand unless you are going through something of this nature. Perry is a source of strength to me that no needle or treatment could even give. He truly makes me believe that ‘love can move mountains’ and I am forever grateful for his love!
Dear Perry,
I know it’s not always easy, and I know I can be a challenge to live with at times. But thank-you! Never do I want you to feel like your efforts and love go unnoticed, because they are! Each new day where I have you by my side is another day I can truly say I am happy. I can only hope that I give you even a tiny fraction of that happiness. You truly are the love of my life, and without you my life would lack meaning. You give me a reason to keep fighting, keep growing and keep strong on this journey. You’re my hero. I love you boo!
Forever and always,
J
xo
So now you know that behind me is a stronger man than I ever will be. Someone who is so willing to take on this battle with me, and help me fight till the end. Someone who is willing to sacrifice his own happiness to see me smile.
Can you imagine that kind of love?
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.”
~1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
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