An 'ah ha' Moment

An ‘ah ha’ moment

Well, here we are! Almost at the end of another exciting year with so much to be thankful for. I spent the entire day Thursday meditating on what I love about my life and what I love about myself. It seems that in recent weeks I have become overly hard on myself and I have learned through a friend that I am expecting too much of myself. Meditation is a great way of life, and something I try to use as often as I came to find some Zen. Many people think of meditation as something weird and a concept many people are afraid of. But to meditate only means to bring your focus to a level where you can find peace with your surroundings and dwell on one particular topic, or maybe to even dwell on nothing at all and just simply be. A very dear friend of mine asked me recently, “If you went back a year ago, would you have ever imagined you would be where you are!?!?” I began to sob, because honestly I didn’t think I was strong enough to get through it all. We all tend to minimize our own strengths and weaknesses until being strong is the only choice we have, then we find out we should have been a superhero! She asked me this because I have been finding it hard lately to find balance. I seem to either live in the past, where all my hurt is, or in the future where I feel more hurt will be. It is so much easier for me to live in my past……”Oh I act this way because I was abused by my father…..” or “If you only knew what I have been through in my life, you wouldn’t treat me that way….” Or “I’m going to die soon so why don’t you leave me the hell alone!” But I have learned over the past few days that this really is an unhealthy way to live. It allows you to make excuses for what you are not doing, and should be doing. It allows you to live in a different time where you don’t have to accept reality as it is today. And it also makes you miss out on the blessings of today.

As I discussed in another blog, death is something that was introduced to me at a very young age, and for the longest time I have been thinking that this was a curse. But has it not been a blessing? I question whether or not I would have left the religious organization I was a part of. I question if I would have embraced the life I was meant to live. I question if I would truly value each day the way I do now. I just came in from outdoors; have you ever gone in the woods and just smelled the evergreen trees?!?! The smell is divine! And it’s meditating on these questions that have brought me some wonderful observations.

As I look back on what I have accomplished over the past year, I can’t help but have a measure of pride. Not the kind that makes me think I am better than everyone else, because if you really knew me you would know that that is not the case. But a pride in myself for doing what I knew in my heart was right. And for following my soul’s voice to freedom.

I had a hard couple of weeks, I’m not gonna lie. And I was beginning to get hard on myself again. Thinking that maybe I was making the wrong choices and maybe I wasn’t really living a life that was pleasing to God. Maybe those Jehovah’s Witnesses were right! Maybe the happiness I am feeling now is a mask that the devil has placed over me to make me believe I am doing the right thing. Such foolishness we allow our minds to dwell on or even give any attention too! God is too big to fit into one religion! It seems that when something doesn’t go the way I imagined it to go, I fall into a funk that I find very difficult to get out of. So that’s what I am going to be working on over the winter, is staying above that line that I have now drawn for myself that I am not allowed to let my surroundings affect me enough to cross. This takes a lot of friggen work man! It’s hard when you are someone who is used to taking the easy way out and allowing my mind to wander in that dark place to keep myself out of there. I think I got comfortable being in the dark. But, not any more! I am done with spending my days worrying about the past and worrying about the future. I really am going to be working on this for a while! We cannot change the past and neither one of us can see the future. And the reality of the matter is, I could outlive all of you guys! No offence! But what about if they find a cure for CF next year, then what’s all the worrying about death, dying and sadness going to accomplish? Absolutely nothing, because then your all stuck with me for sure! Life is a gift and it’s too damn precious to be spent worrying about things we have no control over.

I had a real good, deep conversation with my Auntie Heather recently. I was telling her about how sad I was that things happen. People die of disease, people die of tragedies. She knows all about loss, she lost her sister to CF. But her attitude would turn your stomach she’s so brilliant! I have been trying to find my purpose here……what am I, Jamie Chafe here to do? And then she said this to me;

“We are not here to find purpose.
 We are here to create it.”

Well let’s just say that a light bulb exploded over the top of my head, as I understood exactly what she was trying to tell me. We spend so much time trying to find out we are here that we simply forget to just be. “We may never know what our divine purpose is” she reminded me, and assured me that whatever it is, I would accomplish it. We all do! It was just this morning I received an email from someone who has been reading my blog and fighting CF amongst other struggles. It was a letter to thank me. Thank me for writing my emotions down for the world to see. And that somehow when she felt like giving up, she read my words and felt strengthened to go on at least one more day. How can I not be proud of that!? I said right from the get-go that this blog was created for my use. For my benefit. Getting these feelings out through written word has released a burden off me that none of you will understand. The fact that in doing this I am able to be of encouragement and strength to others – that’s a great bonus! I get messages like these all the time from my readers and to this day I don’t know how to answer them back because I am just so filled with joy that my pain and everything I have been through can be of strength to someone else. So, should I not thank my ‘hard times’ for shaping me the into the man I am today? I know that sounds strange, the concept did to me at first when Heather said to thank the Jehovah’s Witness organization for teaching me what I don’t believe. I thought; Ludacris! How can I thank something that has caused me such great pain and almost cost me my life!?

But it didn’t.

This is a journey, a journey that allows us all the take different paths to where we need to get to in life. All those dark and scary roads have led me to the bright and glorious path I am on now! They have made me stronger and have strengthened my resolve to never give up. There is a lot of wisdom in thanking your past, especially if it hasn’t been a bed of roses. I often say that I am grateful to have CF….people don’t understand that. But I wonder if I would view life as beautiful as I do now if I didn’t know my life could be cut short. So, look at your life and thank it for the many hard times you have had to endure. They have helped shaped who you are today! And hopefully you have learned something from each of them.

I feel better already! After writing this entry….. I am determined to not allow negative thinking to enter back into my mind. But hey, I’m not perfect and nor are you, so we are going to have bad days. But I am going to work harder and try and keep that negativity away, will you join me? Life is too short to allow it to absorb all the joy in our lives. Before I leave you again I want to share this last bit of wisdom from Heather. It gave me an ‘ah-ha’ moment.

IMPERFECTION
We are all perfect within our imperfection. See the wisdom there?
It’s our imperfections that make us beautiful. Make us who we are.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Some jot notes from our conversation

- I have limitations that are obvious, some are not so much
- Stop looking for answers, just let them come
- Stop trying too hard
- Perfection vs. Reality
- Replace a bad thought with a new, healthy thought
- Thank your hardships
- Life is set up this way so we appreciate it
- GET OFF IT! JUST STOP!
- Educate an open mind
- How do I wanna spend my time
- Stop looking for the solution, there is more than one

“Don’t forget to be ‘flawesome’!” ~ Tyra Banks

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo

Please watch this 5 minute clip, it will change how you think!