Never ever before in my life have I ever felt this happy.
And I kind of feel guilty.
I guess because of my childhood, I got so used to things not going my way that it feels really strange now that I am actually starting to enjoy life. When I was with Alicia, not directly because of her, but I got so unhappy and really depressed that I just could not imagine ever being truly happy. I allowed myself to conform to what other people wanted from me that I never paid any heed to what my own needs and wants were. So now that I am finally starting to do that, it feels funny.
I really have to get over my guilt. Because I am so happy, I often wonder if it was fair to cause Alicia so much pain by leaving. But knowing that she is moving on and is happy makes it so much easier. I knew that by staying I would never EVER be able to give her what she truly needed from a man and that by leaving I was opening up the opportunity for her to find true happiness as well. But yet there is still this voice in the back of my head that’s telling me I’m doing something wrong, and NO it’s not my conscience. I think it’s just because I genuinely have not been happy before and this feels foreign.
Ever since Perry came into my life, things just seem to be going so smoothly that it’s starting to freak me out. I mean, my family loves him, he accepts me and ALL my imperfections, including lovingly taking care of my need with Cystic Fibrosis. He loves my friends and I love his. He has a great career and is helping me establish mine. He’s amazingly beautiful. I catch myself sometimes just staring at him, just because I see so much love in his eyes for me. Now, even though a lot of you may say it’s really soon, we are starting to plan a life together. We both know that this is a forever kind of deal. We both love each other so much. Now that I am openly out, it’s amazing to think that people don’t agree with homosexuality. Because nothing has ever felt so real in my whole life than the love I feel for that man.
I guess another reason why it feels so funny to me is because I have spent so much of my life making others happy, being a people pleaser that my own happiness was never a priority for me in my life. Well, now it is! And even though it feels strange, it feels fabulous. I walk around with my head held high and I respect myself. I see the world so differently. I am able to sleep at night without dreading waking up the next morning to face another day of unhappiness. It feels so good to look in the mirror and love your reflection.
I always preach to people something I learned from the musical RENT; “NO DAY BUT TODAY!” And now I’m finally living those words. I am trying to live every day to the fullest, making every day count. I’m trying to make a difference in at least one person’s life a day, weather that by doing something big, or something simple, but doing it. People think you have to do extravagant things to make people happy, but it’s truly the little, simple things that bring so much joy. And not just to the other person wither, but to yourself. One of my favorite bible verses is in Matthew. “There is more happiness in giving than in receiving.” I have been given a lot of great things in my life. Some pretty amazing things. But nothing compares to the feeling I get in my heart when I give to others. It brings me so much joy.
I don’t know how to explain why I am so happy despite having to face a double lung transplant in my near future. Others would be so miserable and could possibly sink into the “Why me” attitude. But for me it’s all about being grateful for the many blessings we are given along with the hardships. Because when we appreciate the little things in our lives, when the big things happen, it feels less intense. And when you are able to overcome an intense situation it makes you so much stronger for future trials. So I know when I wake up from my surgery, that I am going to literally be able to take on the world, and I will no longer have my lungs as limitations. I will be unstoppable! That’s right! You’re not getting rid of me that easy!
I have so many people to thank for my new found love of life and it would take a while to name them. But just know that if you’re reading this, and you know who you are, that you have helped me in the greatest way anyone can be helped; to love themselves. I will never be able to repay what that priceless gift has given me. <3
The future looks bright and this is definitely going to be a GOOD LIFE! I am in the process of starting my own Interior Design business, Perry and I have just started looking at apartments, my health is not the best but maintaining. And I am happy!
What else could I want?!
"If you want happiness for an hour ? take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day ? go fishing.
If you want happiness for a year ? inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime ? help someone else."
~Chinese Proverb
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
