I’m Scared
I vowed not to live any more lies when I left my wife and embraced my ‘new life’.
So, in this blog, I’m going to admit; I am scared.
When I first learned that the disease I had was going to take my life, I just always thought I wouldn’t have a say in the matter. I imagined me dying, on a hospital bed, being in a lot of pain and being surrounded by a lot of my relatives and friends. But as my age increased, so did the research and all the medical advances. Now people with Cystic Fibrosis have the option to get a lung transplant.
I hadn’t given it any thought, honestly. Not until about 6 months ago. When I was a Jehovah’s Witness I vowed not to take any blood, and the hospital in Toronto will not agree to try a bloodless double lung transplant because the cost of such surgery is so high, and they also don’t want to risk waisting precious lungs. So you need to sign a form before you enter the O.R. stating that you will, if necessary accept blood. I was worried for a long time how this would affect my conscience, but I came to the conclusion that, I don’t think dying is what God had planned for me. I think he wanted me, after I learned a few important life lessons, to go on and do greater things. If someone HAS to die, and the gift of life can be given to someone else, then I believe in my heart that this is what a loving God would want.
I’m so scared that I’m not going to be able to enjoy my new found love of life, and my new found love, Perry. Coming out has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am 100% ME! It fees so strange to walk around and talk to people and not have to worry about hiding anything. Just to be completely honest with my fellow neighbors about who I am. I try to live my life without ANY regrets, but I sure do wish I had done this sooner. But this life is so amazing that I don’t want it to end yet, and I think that passion just might help me survive.
The surgery can last up to 14 hours. Eeeek! And so much has to happen before the surgery. Testing, assessments, more testing. I have to travel to Toronto and meet with the team, then MORE tests! Then once I’m finally on the list, I’m given a pager. I walk around with that in Toronto until it goes off and then when it does, I have two hours max to get to Toronto General. There is no going back, no changing my mind. At that point it’s all in God’s hands. I just have to get my ass to the hospital. I just hope that I am as strong as I would like to think that I am, and that I won’t cave. But the more I think about it, it becomes easier for me to accept. I would be given the chance to take a “deep breathe”, to run along the waves of the ocean, to chase after my little nephew without needing to stop and catch my breath. The more I focus on the blessings, the more comfortable I am with the whole idea, but I am scared, and I’m trying to remind myself that it’s normal.
Then I think about all the pain after. In order to get a double lung transplant, the team has to break your sternum, which is the center of your rib cage in the front of your chest. Then they remove the old lungs and have to hard wire the new ones back in and close me up. All while watching my other organs and my heart of course. Apparently men favor better with the surgery over girls, but where I’m gay I’m not sure that still applies! Lol I certainly hope it does! In fact, people with Cystic Fibrosis are known to be the best ‘new lung’ candidates. Why? Think about it! It’s a lung and pancreas disorder. So, the only really targets affected by our disease is those two parts of our bodies. When we have new lungs put in, our vessel, or body, is in fairly good shape. Young, fit and energetic bodies waiting to embrace new, powerful lungs. That’s why there is such a great success rate with CF patients.
Then there’s the mental part of it. The stress of fundraising and getting things ready to go, but I am extremely fortunate to have such a loving, supportive circle of family and friends that this is the least of my worries. I’m not even left for Toronto yet and I’m already feeling so much love! Thinking about if I will die on the table plays on my mind to, but then I remind myself;
With everything you have been through in your life, having Cystic Fibrosis, having an abusive father, being raped at age 10, being bullied, hiding my sexuality to the point where I wanted to kill myself, and face shame after leaving a wife of 4 years- YOU CAN DO THIS!
A lung transplant will probably be a piece of cake compared to everything I have been through over the years. No doubt I am going to have my struggles and set-backs. I’m already having them. I can’t go one week without having a complete mental breakdown or putting something totally inappropriate on Facebook. But again, it’s normal. No 25 year old man should ever have to face what I am facing. I’m not looking for pity, but it’s true. That’s why I am so grateful to have such a great support system because they remind me at these moments of weakness that I will be strong again. I just have to keep fighting. No man is perfect and when faced with stress, many people act and say things they don’t mean. But I am trying to get a better hold on myself.
So don’t think because I’m writing all these blogs about being so happy that I don’t get scared, because I do. Sometimes, I’m that scared that I just want to end it all and let CF take me in a natural way. But I am Jamie Chafe. I have far too much to live for to call it quits now. I know and believe in my heart that I am going to survive the surgery. I know that I am going to travel and see the world. Start my business and have a beautiful life with Perry. I just feel it. You’re all not getting rid of me this easy!!
PLEASE, BE AN ORGAN DONOR. SAVE A LIFE
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear,
not absence of fear”
~ Mark Twain
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
I vowed not to live any more lies when I left my wife and embraced my ‘new life’.
So, in this blog, I’m going to admit; I am scared.
When I first learned that the disease I had was going to take my life, I just always thought I wouldn’t have a say in the matter. I imagined me dying, on a hospital bed, being in a lot of pain and being surrounded by a lot of my relatives and friends. But as my age increased, so did the research and all the medical advances. Now people with Cystic Fibrosis have the option to get a lung transplant.
I hadn’t given it any thought, honestly. Not until about 6 months ago. When I was a Jehovah’s Witness I vowed not to take any blood, and the hospital in Toronto will not agree to try a bloodless double lung transplant because the cost of such surgery is so high, and they also don’t want to risk waisting precious lungs. So you need to sign a form before you enter the O.R. stating that you will, if necessary accept blood. I was worried for a long time how this would affect my conscience, but I came to the conclusion that, I don’t think dying is what God had planned for me. I think he wanted me, after I learned a few important life lessons, to go on and do greater things. If someone HAS to die, and the gift of life can be given to someone else, then I believe in my heart that this is what a loving God would want.
I’m so scared that I’m not going to be able to enjoy my new found love of life, and my new found love, Perry. Coming out has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am 100% ME! It fees so strange to walk around and talk to people and not have to worry about hiding anything. Just to be completely honest with my fellow neighbors about who I am. I try to live my life without ANY regrets, but I sure do wish I had done this sooner. But this life is so amazing that I don’t want it to end yet, and I think that passion just might help me survive.
The surgery can last up to 14 hours. Eeeek! And so much has to happen before the surgery. Testing, assessments, more testing. I have to travel to Toronto and meet with the team, then MORE tests! Then once I’m finally on the list, I’m given a pager. I walk around with that in Toronto until it goes off and then when it does, I have two hours max to get to Toronto General. There is no going back, no changing my mind. At that point it’s all in God’s hands. I just have to get my ass to the hospital. I just hope that I am as strong as I would like to think that I am, and that I won’t cave. But the more I think about it, it becomes easier for me to accept. I would be given the chance to take a “deep breathe”, to run along the waves of the ocean, to chase after my little nephew without needing to stop and catch my breath. The more I focus on the blessings, the more comfortable I am with the whole idea, but I am scared, and I’m trying to remind myself that it’s normal.
Then I think about all the pain after. In order to get a double lung transplant, the team has to break your sternum, which is the center of your rib cage in the front of your chest. Then they remove the old lungs and have to hard wire the new ones back in and close me up. All while watching my other organs and my heart of course. Apparently men favor better with the surgery over girls, but where I’m gay I’m not sure that still applies! Lol I certainly hope it does! In fact, people with Cystic Fibrosis are known to be the best ‘new lung’ candidates. Why? Think about it! It’s a lung and pancreas disorder. So, the only really targets affected by our disease is those two parts of our bodies. When we have new lungs put in, our vessel, or body, is in fairly good shape. Young, fit and energetic bodies waiting to embrace new, powerful lungs. That’s why there is such a great success rate with CF patients.
Then there’s the mental part of it. The stress of fundraising and getting things ready to go, but I am extremely fortunate to have such a loving, supportive circle of family and friends that this is the least of my worries. I’m not even left for Toronto yet and I’m already feeling so much love! Thinking about if I will die on the table plays on my mind to, but then I remind myself;
With everything you have been through in your life, having Cystic Fibrosis, having an abusive father, being raped at age 10, being bullied, hiding my sexuality to the point where I wanted to kill myself, and face shame after leaving a wife of 4 years- YOU CAN DO THIS!
A lung transplant will probably be a piece of cake compared to everything I have been through over the years. No doubt I am going to have my struggles and set-backs. I’m already having them. I can’t go one week without having a complete mental breakdown or putting something totally inappropriate on Facebook. But again, it’s normal. No 25 year old man should ever have to face what I am facing. I’m not looking for pity, but it’s true. That’s why I am so grateful to have such a great support system because they remind me at these moments of weakness that I will be strong again. I just have to keep fighting. No man is perfect and when faced with stress, many people act and say things they don’t mean. But I am trying to get a better hold on myself.
So don’t think because I’m writing all these blogs about being so happy that I don’t get scared, because I do. Sometimes, I’m that scared that I just want to end it all and let CF take me in a natural way. But I am Jamie Chafe. I have far too much to live for to call it quits now. I know and believe in my heart that I am going to survive the surgery. I know that I am going to travel and see the world. Start my business and have a beautiful life with Perry. I just feel it. You’re all not getting rid of me this easy!!
PLEASE, BE AN ORGAN DONOR. SAVE A LIFE
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear,
not absence of fear”
~ Mark Twain
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
