I’ve been very confused for much of my life as to what love really is. Having a father who never appeared to “love” me and having a mother’s love that was “confused”, it made it hard for me to identify the real thing. But it wasn’t only receiving and giving love to others that I’m having to work on, it’s also loving myself.
What is love anyway? I don’t believe it has to be Oscar worthy for it to be categorized as such. I believe love comes in many forms and is expressed in many different ways. I believe that discipline is love. I believe that honesty is love, but what is now only becoming clear to me is how to identify true love and how to identify the counterfeit. To say that my father didn’t or doesn’t love me would be unfair. A lot of people are surprised to find out about my past and then to find out that I still maintain a relationship with him. They argue that if he really loved me, he would have never hurt me. But I believe that each individual is able to love in their own way. My father grew up in a very abusive, unstable household, so he probably doesn’t know what real love is either. He is trying a lot harder to show me that he loves me, and his acceptance of my sexuality I cannot even express in words how much it means to me. My father makes short, though regular visits to me in the hospital and will be there to give me anything I need. He’s showing now through his deeds that he truly does love me, and our relationship continues to re-kindle.
One thing that I know for sure is that my mother loves me. My mother is one of my hero’s. She gave me and my two sisters the best life she knew possible and often did without herself to see us happy. Dealing with my illness was challenging for her, but it never fazed her. She always showed courage when the doctors would look at a situation as hopeless and persevered under trial. But then she smoked. And even though I will never understand why, it has taught me that we often hurt the ones we love the most. And that no one is capable of loving someone perfectly. We as humans cannot focus on someone’s mistake when in 99% of the other areas of our life, their love is great. It’s so easy for us to focus on the negative and ignore the positive.
When I got married, I thought I was in love with my wife. I loved her with my whole heart and soul, but I question today if I was truly in-love with her. I masked my true feelings and who I was on the inside and it confused my mind in a lot of ways because I wanted one thing but was doing another. I haven’t admitted this before now, and I hope I don’t upset anyone reading, but on the day of my wedding, when my wife was making her way down the aisle, I started to cry. But it wasn’t because I was so happy and the sight of her made me fill up. It was because I was dying inside, and I had told myself the night before; “Ok, this is it. I guess you’re doing this. You’re going to vow to be unhappy and put the real you aside” I started to hate myself. I was trying so hard to love her the way she needed me to love her that I lost myself more and more as time went on. Eventually, I completely died inside and it started to show. I could barely look at myself in the mirror without getting that taste in your mouth you get when you’re about to throw up. I don’t know if it was possible to hate yourself more than I did. I felt sincerely that there was no other way out than to take my own life. I was afraid of losing friends, maybe even family, and how could I possibly hurt someone so much who showed me such perfect love like she did.
Then I hit rock bottom and tried to take my life. I knew then that things were not going to get better, ever. Not unless I made changes and came out. But how could I do that and lose friends that I genuinely loved and cared for but would shun me upon hearing the news that I was gay.
Then entered out of the blue into my life was a woman named Heather. And everything changed.
Heather is an author, a damn good one at that, and has become closer to me than most people. She “gets” me. But what Heather doesn’t know is that she gave me a gift that has no value in dollars. Heather helped me to love myself again. And in loving myself she has helped me love others in an honest, genuine, authentic way. Just when I wanted to give up and give into the pain, Heather’s love was there to remind me that my sexuality doesn’t define who I am. Staying married was only doing more harm than good and I would never find real happiness until I got out. She wasn’t a home wrecker by no means, in fact she has given my ex an exciting new life that I know she deserves. She helped set us both free.
I spent much of my childhood hating myself as well because I always felt that I was a burden on my mother. She had to tend to my needs and I always wondered how her life would be different without the stress of me in her life. So this new found idea that Heather gave me that I was not only aloud but was able to love myself was very foreign at first. Being a people pleaser my whole life, it was a strange notion to think that loving myself was ever more important that loving anyone else. I believe now that you cannot really love someone until you love yourself. Now instead of wanting to vomit every time I pass a mirror, I love myself. I love the honest person I see. I love that I was able to get the courage to do what I had to do to ensure my happiness. But it’s still a struggle.
Sometimes I think about her and wonder if I did the right thing. I hope I did. I do know that my love for her has not changed, and I hope that someday we can be friends. I often get angry at myself for leaving my nephew and niece I had through marriage, but know that they will be ok. When you’re made to believe that loving yourself and yourself was “imperfect” was wrong, then it’s hard to get your mind around the idea of loving yourself. But I’m working on it. Every day is a new day and presents new challenges. I often have feelings of worthlessness that I have to work hard to try and rise above, but for the most part, I’m much happier and definitely more in love with Jamie!
Then there’s Perry. Learning to love a person of the same sex was harder than you think. It even took me a couple tries and a few cuties before I got it right with him. I was finally able to love someone the way my body and mind and soul had craved for so long that I became so excited that I could have burst. At first it felt really wrong to love someone, let alone want to kiss someone of the same sex. But that was because I still had not come to terms with acceptance and still had some negative ideals in my head that needed disposing. Again, I’m still learning. But that man teaches me something new every day that reminds me I am worthy of genuine love. His love reminds me that yes, I did make the right decision. He reminds me that I am a great person, flawless and all! He makes me feel like loving myself is not some foreign concept, but rather a great way of life that can only lead to greatness. I Love You Perry.
So, I’m still learning. We will all keep learning until the day we die. To love. To love ourselves. To receive love. The important thing is that we try. So get up off your chair right now, and go to a mirror and say “I Love Me”, and smile while you’re saying it and really believe the words as they leave your lips. And know that if your reading this blog……..I love you!
“A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge”
~ Thomas Carlyle
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
