Always moving, always changing
It’s hard to believe that it’s been over a year now since I tried to take my own life. It’s hard to imagine now in the midst of all this happiness that I was once so sad and in despair that I felt that the only option I had was to end my life. As I look back on this past year, I can honestly tell each and every one of you that I don’t know how I survived, all I know is I am glad I did and I know in my heart I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.
It was May 31st of last year. We were driving home from the Great Strides walk for Cystic Fibrosis in St. John’s, my ex-wife and sister in-law and a few others. As we were driving through the Terra-Nova Park, I was contemplating just how different my life could be if I just got enough strength and courage to embrace my true self and be honest with everyone about my sexuality. As you can imagine a lot was going through my mind, and because of that, I made a bad judgment call while driving and it could have killed all of us. Everyone in the van demanded I pull over and let someone else drive. My sister in-law, who had lost a child in a tragic car accident was crying hysterically and I just felt so bad that in that moment I just wanted to be six feet under. After I calmed down and took my puffer, we got back on the road to Gander. The whole way I just thought of ways to end all this. Perhaps I could jump in front of a car? Or maybe I could cut myself and bleed to death? No, because I wanted to make sure that once I started the process there was no going back. Then I thought, God, I have CF my house is loaded with pills. So in a moment of weakness, when I was alone at home, I took most of all the pills that were in my medicine cabinet.
To this day I question a lot. I question my beliefs, I question my purpose but most of all I question why I allowed myself to get that low and feel the pain of wanting nothing more than to be dead. The next time you hear of someone trying to take their own lives, please don’t judge them. Please don’t call them selfish. You do not understand the pain that has to be felt to bring someone to that darkest place. Rather try and have compassion and count your blessings that you may never have to feel that kind of emotion. Because it is very scary, and no one chooses to feel that kind of pain.
Somehow with the help from some pretty amazing people I was able to get the guts and drive to allow myself the freedom of opening up to the world about who I truly was. Those people will never know just what their love and support has meant to me. I could never think of a satisfying way to show them. But I will honor them with the rest of my life. And now I am here. In this beautiful pace in life that I also question if I deserve. I have caused a lot of hurt to a lot of people. My Family, my ex, a lot of the friends I had previous to this new life, who chose now to have nothing to do with me, just because I am ‘GAY’. And I would be lying if I said it didn’t sadden me. I don’t think you should like or not like someone based on their sexual orientation. What difference does whom I share my bed with, to how good of a friend I can or cannot be? I take comfort in knowing that had they loved me truly for who I was, they would still be by my side. In fact, that was one of the things I dreaded most, was losing people who meant so much to me, yet my sexual preference would mean they would never be able to talk to me again. But my mother gave me a word of wisdom, she said; “Those who are with you – truly with you, will be by your side when the dust settles.” And it wasn’t long after she gave me that admonition that I left. Now my life is enriched with people who love me for me, and they are excited about the positive things that are happening in my life, no longer needing to hide my true life from them. It’s almost as if I was a bird kept in cage for so long with my wings clipped, that I now can spread them and fly with the eagles, only to have people cheer me on as I do so.
It’s hard for me to imagine too just how far I have come with my illness. One year ago I was not taking very good care of myself, and deep down I believe it was because I just wanted the nightmare to end. Now I am back on track. And even though the prospect of getting a double lung transplant haunts my shadow every day, I am living life now day by day. I take one day at a time. I’ve never done that before, never been able to. I always had to have a plan to ensure I would have a measure of happiness. Now, I take each day as it comes. Today, my lungs feel great! I am a little tired but nothing major. I am at a healthy weight, no cough and my energy for the most part has been up. I walk almost every day around the harbor with Perry and the salt water is having a positive impact on my health. I have a check-up on Friday in St. John’s and I am anxious to hear what my numbers are. No matter what though, I know deep down in my soul that I have a lot of living, real living left to do. And I know in my heart that given the chance to receive new lungs, I will make it through. I am a survivor, therefore I have no choice! It truly excites me, the thought of being able to do normal everyday things that I cannot do now that others take for granted after I get my new lungs.
So, life is always changing. This time one year ago I was living with a woman, very unhappy, living in Glenwood, with not much of a life. Today, I’m living with a man, who happens to be my biggest fan, in Clarenville, I am extremely happy, started my own business and loving life. Life truly is like a rollercoaster. Just when you think you’re on the straight and narrow, life takes you for an unexpected twist or upside down turn that rocks your world. But it can be beautiful too, if you embrace it and ride with it. Had you had told me this time last year that I would first, be happy and two, in love with a man, I probably would have laughed in your face, because I kind of gave up on my own happiness. Just comes to show you never do know what tomorrow brings. But I am glad I embraced my tomorrow and I am now living for today!
I have no idea what the future holds, none of us do. But what I do know is that all my yesterdays have prepared me for my tomorrows. My past has helped better me for my future. I am excited to see what the next chapter in this beautiful story will unfold. Having to constantly check my attitude is key. I don’t allow negative influences in my life anymore and I keep away from “Drama”. Life is too short to be absorbed by people who suck the life out of you.
If I could say anything, anything at all to any of you going through a hard time it would be; Just hold on. I know what you are going through is intense and you may feel like there is no way out. But life is always moving, always changing. And life is about to become more beautiful for you, you just have to believe it. Take it from someone who has been though a lot of pain, misery and suffering – the best is yet to come!”
“Do not tell me the skies the limit, when there are footprints on the moon!” ~ Unknown
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
It’s hard to believe that it’s been over a year now since I tried to take my own life. It’s hard to imagine now in the midst of all this happiness that I was once so sad and in despair that I felt that the only option I had was to end my life. As I look back on this past year, I can honestly tell each and every one of you that I don’t know how I survived, all I know is I am glad I did and I know in my heart I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.
It was May 31st of last year. We were driving home from the Great Strides walk for Cystic Fibrosis in St. John’s, my ex-wife and sister in-law and a few others. As we were driving through the Terra-Nova Park, I was contemplating just how different my life could be if I just got enough strength and courage to embrace my true self and be honest with everyone about my sexuality. As you can imagine a lot was going through my mind, and because of that, I made a bad judgment call while driving and it could have killed all of us. Everyone in the van demanded I pull over and let someone else drive. My sister in-law, who had lost a child in a tragic car accident was crying hysterically and I just felt so bad that in that moment I just wanted to be six feet under. After I calmed down and took my puffer, we got back on the road to Gander. The whole way I just thought of ways to end all this. Perhaps I could jump in front of a car? Or maybe I could cut myself and bleed to death? No, because I wanted to make sure that once I started the process there was no going back. Then I thought, God, I have CF my house is loaded with pills. So in a moment of weakness, when I was alone at home, I took most of all the pills that were in my medicine cabinet.
To this day I question a lot. I question my beliefs, I question my purpose but most of all I question why I allowed myself to get that low and feel the pain of wanting nothing more than to be dead. The next time you hear of someone trying to take their own lives, please don’t judge them. Please don’t call them selfish. You do not understand the pain that has to be felt to bring someone to that darkest place. Rather try and have compassion and count your blessings that you may never have to feel that kind of emotion. Because it is very scary, and no one chooses to feel that kind of pain.
Somehow with the help from some pretty amazing people I was able to get the guts and drive to allow myself the freedom of opening up to the world about who I truly was. Those people will never know just what their love and support has meant to me. I could never think of a satisfying way to show them. But I will honor them with the rest of my life. And now I am here. In this beautiful pace in life that I also question if I deserve. I have caused a lot of hurt to a lot of people. My Family, my ex, a lot of the friends I had previous to this new life, who chose now to have nothing to do with me, just because I am ‘GAY’. And I would be lying if I said it didn’t sadden me. I don’t think you should like or not like someone based on their sexual orientation. What difference does whom I share my bed with, to how good of a friend I can or cannot be? I take comfort in knowing that had they loved me truly for who I was, they would still be by my side. In fact, that was one of the things I dreaded most, was losing people who meant so much to me, yet my sexual preference would mean they would never be able to talk to me again. But my mother gave me a word of wisdom, she said; “Those who are with you – truly with you, will be by your side when the dust settles.” And it wasn’t long after she gave me that admonition that I left. Now my life is enriched with people who love me for me, and they are excited about the positive things that are happening in my life, no longer needing to hide my true life from them. It’s almost as if I was a bird kept in cage for so long with my wings clipped, that I now can spread them and fly with the eagles, only to have people cheer me on as I do so.
It’s hard for me to imagine too just how far I have come with my illness. One year ago I was not taking very good care of myself, and deep down I believe it was because I just wanted the nightmare to end. Now I am back on track. And even though the prospect of getting a double lung transplant haunts my shadow every day, I am living life now day by day. I take one day at a time. I’ve never done that before, never been able to. I always had to have a plan to ensure I would have a measure of happiness. Now, I take each day as it comes. Today, my lungs feel great! I am a little tired but nothing major. I am at a healthy weight, no cough and my energy for the most part has been up. I walk almost every day around the harbor with Perry and the salt water is having a positive impact on my health. I have a check-up on Friday in St. John’s and I am anxious to hear what my numbers are. No matter what though, I know deep down in my soul that I have a lot of living, real living left to do. And I know in my heart that given the chance to receive new lungs, I will make it through. I am a survivor, therefore I have no choice! It truly excites me, the thought of being able to do normal everyday things that I cannot do now that others take for granted after I get my new lungs.
So, life is always changing. This time one year ago I was living with a woman, very unhappy, living in Glenwood, with not much of a life. Today, I’m living with a man, who happens to be my biggest fan, in Clarenville, I am extremely happy, started my own business and loving life. Life truly is like a rollercoaster. Just when you think you’re on the straight and narrow, life takes you for an unexpected twist or upside down turn that rocks your world. But it can be beautiful too, if you embrace it and ride with it. Had you had told me this time last year that I would first, be happy and two, in love with a man, I probably would have laughed in your face, because I kind of gave up on my own happiness. Just comes to show you never do know what tomorrow brings. But I am glad I embraced my tomorrow and I am now living for today!
I have no idea what the future holds, none of us do. But what I do know is that all my yesterdays have prepared me for my tomorrows. My past has helped better me for my future. I am excited to see what the next chapter in this beautiful story will unfold. Having to constantly check my attitude is key. I don’t allow negative influences in my life anymore and I keep away from “Drama”. Life is too short to be absorbed by people who suck the life out of you.
If I could say anything, anything at all to any of you going through a hard time it would be; Just hold on. I know what you are going through is intense and you may feel like there is no way out. But life is always moving, always changing. And life is about to become more beautiful for you, you just have to believe it. Take it from someone who has been though a lot of pain, misery and suffering – the best is yet to come!”
“Do not tell me the skies the limit, when there are footprints on the moon!” ~ Unknown
Jamie Leigh Francis
