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| Me and Rorry |
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| Brodie and Nitika |
Living with Loss: Dear Rorry
One of the greatest blessing, and why I do not regret having made the choice I made, is that I gained a beautiful family through my ex. Upon meeting Nitika, Brodie and Rorry, children of my sister in-law Brandi and her husband Andrew, I knew it was love at first sight. The had this way about them, a way many kids do not these days that just reassure you that children are indeed precious.
I immediately took to the youngest, Rorry. I always found it amusing while other kids would be playing outdoors he would want to be inside talking to the adults and hearing about what it was like growing up in the ‘old days’ from his grandfather. And he loved his cup of tea too! I think it was because he reminded me so much of myself as a child, so innocent and caring. He always had a way of brightening your day. Brodie was more of a shy, to himself kind of a child. He was able to entertain himself with a T.V. and a videogame. Oh so timid, but yet had a loving heart that would never see anyone in need of help without offering a hand. And then there’s Nitika. She to this day doesn’t realize just how much I love her. Always will. She was your typical little girl. Alicia, my ex and I called her ‘Tika’, along with many others. She was the light of my world. As I look back on leaving Alicia the single most hardest moment was walking up to their house and watching Nitika cry as she couldn’t understand why I was leaving. In that very moment, I remember wanting to cancel all my plans and turn around. But I knew that when she got older and understood more about life, that I hoped she could one day forgive me for the choice I made, and that someday we would be close again. We spent many wonderful moments together with Tika. She came to our home often and always had a way of settling any argument Alicia and I would have with some slued comment about how stubborn I was being, and boy was I stubborn! And she could always make me smile, regardless of what my day brought me, or how I was feeling.
I got along really well as well with her sister Brandi and husband Andrew. Brandi filled the void I felt when my big sister left for the main land. I could talk to her about almost everything, never feeling judged and always left with a fresh point of view. And Andrew was your typical manly man, always cracking hints that he thought I may be gay, but never made me feel insulted. I look back at it now as kind of funny!
Alicia and I were married on August 18th, 2007. And just a week after our 1 year wedding anniversary, we received the most devastating phone call. We were in Wal-Mart at the time, both working as merchandisers when the phone rang. The look on Alicia’s face said it all. The phone dropped to the floor as well as a handful of CD’s she was carrying as she looked at me and said “We have to leave, NOW!” As we drove to the accident scene, we both did not know what to expect. Only that it was bad.
The first thing that I saw was the car, totally smashed in on one side, where the car had obviously been T-boned. I remember not being able to move my eyes from the right passenger side where I had hoped no one had been sitting. And then I saw the transport truck. The front of it was so damaged that I knew deep down in my heart this was going to be a day I would never forget. Soon after we heard Brandi yelling out to us, “Get to the hospital! Go find Rorry! Go be with Rorry!!” We kissed Brandi quickly and then jumped head first into the car and rushed to the hospital. When we arrived, they couldn’t tell us anything other than the fact that he was still alive and that they were trying everything they could do.
Hours passed and just when things got hopeful, we would receive more bad news. He needed an operation on his spleen, and that went well but there was so much damage they couldn’t guarantee us anything. Finally, the doctor and social worker asked for all of the family to meet in a room. They told us that Rorry was being kept alive, only by machines. And that the damage is too extensive for them to believe he would ever recover.
As we stood around him, all saying our goodbye’s, I felt as if I were in a movie and that soon someone would say “Cut”. But this was no movie. I stayed with Brandi and Andrew and Brandi’s sister in law as they unplugged the machines that were keeping him alive. As I seen the flat line roll across the monitor, I knew I would never be the same again. I burst out the doors unable to breathe, and just cried and screamed over, and over “He’s gone! He’s gone!” Less than an hour later, we left the hospital unable to do anything and feeling hopeless we tried to return home and rest. There wasn’t much rest to be had that night. Nor for many night after.
Three days later we buried him. It was the day after his birthday. He would have been 9 that year. After his death, I visited him often, especially when I needed someone to talk to. Even though he couldn’t talk back, it always made me feel better somehow. I visited him several times and actually, as I am writing these words, I recall Rorry was the first person I ever truly told that I was gay. He listened to me bicker about life and how much I wished things were different.
Since that day, I have been trying to make sense of a lot of things in life. Some I have worked out and others I still question. What I do know is that, that little boy was loved so much by his family, and that the devastation of losing him has only drawn them closer. To this day the family does simple, yet meaningful things to remember that precious little boy. It is my belief that they always will and that Rorry will never be forgotten.
God knows I never will.
Dear Rorry,
A lot has changed since the day you left us here on this earth. Some things I’m sure you wouldn’t be so proud of, others I hope you would understand.
I miss you so much. Though I don’t see your family as much now, they still hold a very special place in my heart, the same way you will.
You losing your life has taught me one valuable thing wholeheartedly; life is not guaranteed. And you should live each day as if it were your last. You were only young, but you sure did that.
I want to make a promise to you this day.
I promise that I will forever be true to myself, from this day forward. And that no matter how ugly the truth may be to always speak it with courage and bravery. I promise to love like I have never been hurt. Dance like no one is watching. And sing like no one can hear me.
I promise you Rorry that I will USE every day of this life to be happy and never settle for anything less. And last but not least, I promise to carry you with me, wherever I go and never let you out of my heart.
I Love You Rorry,
Always and Forver,
Uncle Jamie
xo
One of the greatest blessing, and why I do not regret having made the choice I made, is that I gained a beautiful family through my ex. Upon meeting Nitika, Brodie and Rorry, children of my sister in-law Brandi and her husband Andrew, I knew it was love at first sight. The had this way about them, a way many kids do not these days that just reassure you that children are indeed precious.
I immediately took to the youngest, Rorry. I always found it amusing while other kids would be playing outdoors he would want to be inside talking to the adults and hearing about what it was like growing up in the ‘old days’ from his grandfather. And he loved his cup of tea too! I think it was because he reminded me so much of myself as a child, so innocent and caring. He always had a way of brightening your day. Brodie was more of a shy, to himself kind of a child. He was able to entertain himself with a T.V. and a videogame. Oh so timid, but yet had a loving heart that would never see anyone in need of help without offering a hand. And then there’s Nitika. She to this day doesn’t realize just how much I love her. Always will. She was your typical little girl. Alicia, my ex and I called her ‘Tika’, along with many others. She was the light of my world. As I look back on leaving Alicia the single most hardest moment was walking up to their house and watching Nitika cry as she couldn’t understand why I was leaving. In that very moment, I remember wanting to cancel all my plans and turn around. But I knew that when she got older and understood more about life, that I hoped she could one day forgive me for the choice I made, and that someday we would be close again. We spent many wonderful moments together with Tika. She came to our home often and always had a way of settling any argument Alicia and I would have with some slued comment about how stubborn I was being, and boy was I stubborn! And she could always make me smile, regardless of what my day brought me, or how I was feeling.
I got along really well as well with her sister Brandi and husband Andrew. Brandi filled the void I felt when my big sister left for the main land. I could talk to her about almost everything, never feeling judged and always left with a fresh point of view. And Andrew was your typical manly man, always cracking hints that he thought I may be gay, but never made me feel insulted. I look back at it now as kind of funny!
Alicia and I were married on August 18th, 2007. And just a week after our 1 year wedding anniversary, we received the most devastating phone call. We were in Wal-Mart at the time, both working as merchandisers when the phone rang. The look on Alicia’s face said it all. The phone dropped to the floor as well as a handful of CD’s she was carrying as she looked at me and said “We have to leave, NOW!” As we drove to the accident scene, we both did not know what to expect. Only that it was bad.
The first thing that I saw was the car, totally smashed in on one side, where the car had obviously been T-boned. I remember not being able to move my eyes from the right passenger side where I had hoped no one had been sitting. And then I saw the transport truck. The front of it was so damaged that I knew deep down in my heart this was going to be a day I would never forget. Soon after we heard Brandi yelling out to us, “Get to the hospital! Go find Rorry! Go be with Rorry!!” We kissed Brandi quickly and then jumped head first into the car and rushed to the hospital. When we arrived, they couldn’t tell us anything other than the fact that he was still alive and that they were trying everything they could do.
Hours passed and just when things got hopeful, we would receive more bad news. He needed an operation on his spleen, and that went well but there was so much damage they couldn’t guarantee us anything. Finally, the doctor and social worker asked for all of the family to meet in a room. They told us that Rorry was being kept alive, only by machines. And that the damage is too extensive for them to believe he would ever recover.
As we stood around him, all saying our goodbye’s, I felt as if I were in a movie and that soon someone would say “Cut”. But this was no movie. I stayed with Brandi and Andrew and Brandi’s sister in law as they unplugged the machines that were keeping him alive. As I seen the flat line roll across the monitor, I knew I would never be the same again. I burst out the doors unable to breathe, and just cried and screamed over, and over “He’s gone! He’s gone!” Less than an hour later, we left the hospital unable to do anything and feeling hopeless we tried to return home and rest. There wasn’t much rest to be had that night. Nor for many night after.
Three days later we buried him. It was the day after his birthday. He would have been 9 that year. After his death, I visited him often, especially when I needed someone to talk to. Even though he couldn’t talk back, it always made me feel better somehow. I visited him several times and actually, as I am writing these words, I recall Rorry was the first person I ever truly told that I was gay. He listened to me bicker about life and how much I wished things were different.
Since that day, I have been trying to make sense of a lot of things in life. Some I have worked out and others I still question. What I do know is that, that little boy was loved so much by his family, and that the devastation of losing him has only drawn them closer. To this day the family does simple, yet meaningful things to remember that precious little boy. It is my belief that they always will and that Rorry will never be forgotten.
God knows I never will.
Dear Rorry,
A lot has changed since the day you left us here on this earth. Some things I’m sure you wouldn’t be so proud of, others I hope you would understand.
I miss you so much. Though I don’t see your family as much now, they still hold a very special place in my heart, the same way you will.
You losing your life has taught me one valuable thing wholeheartedly; life is not guaranteed. And you should live each day as if it were your last. You were only young, but you sure did that.
I want to make a promise to you this day.
I promise that I will forever be true to myself, from this day forward. And that no matter how ugly the truth may be to always speak it with courage and bravery. I promise to love like I have never been hurt. Dance like no one is watching. And sing like no one can hear me.
I promise you Rorry that I will USE every day of this life to be happy and never settle for anything less. And last but not least, I promise to carry you with me, wherever I go and never let you out of my heart.
I Love You Rorry,
Always and Forver,
Uncle Jamie
xo
(A song that I wrote soon after he died)
BACK RIGHT HERE
You were wise
beyond your years...BACK RIGHT HERE
Always dried up all our tears.
With that silly little smile, we had you only for a while,
Wish that you were back right here.
A moment changes
life so fast...But your memory
will always last.A little boy who's
heart was true, touched the lives of all you knew,Wish that you were
back right here.
They say that tomorrow gets easier, and time heals the pain
But your little life was taken, and things will never be the same, because...
You were so special, a man among the boys
You would rather sit and talk with us, than play with all your toys
Where there was three, now there's only two,
Oh baby boy, it's hard, because we all miss you.
You always made
your mamma smile,You'd always go the
extra mile.Never let anyone
down, always wanted you around,Wish that you were
back right here.
When do things get
easier, and when will the pain heal?Because since your
life was taken, this life doesn't seem so real...
You were so
special, a man among the boysYou would rather
sit and talk with us, than play with all your toysWhere there was
three, now there's only twoOh baby boy, it's
so hard, because we all miss you....
They say that
tomorrow gets easier and time heals the painBut your little
life was taken and things will never be the same.... because,
You'll always be
special, a boy too young in yearsBut for now you're
away from us, and we've cried many tears.But we'll see you
again, not too long from now....Oh baby boy..... Oh baby boy.... soon you will
be back right here.
“God will not give you
more than you can handle”
~1 Cor 10:13
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
~1 Cor 10:13
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
