Death at the Door
Your whole life changes. Everything you thought you knew and believed in suddenly becomes garbage. It’s as if you were walking around , your entire life with this foggy haze and then suddenly, for the first time the sun shines. You feel the warmth on your face and you embrace the suns glow as a kiss from the heavens. You smile instantly because even though death is as the door, you never felt more alive.
That’s exactly how I felt when the whole concept of transplant was introduced to me. You sometimes forget how precious life truly is until being told your existence may soon come to an end. And I’m tired of being so strong lately that I just wanted to write a blog about how I am coping with all this. It’s hard when everyone around you doesn’t understand your sudden zeal and zest for life and why you are so passionate about everything. My only regret is not living my entire life feeling as free as I do now. So it burns me to ask, if you knew your days were numbered, would you live your life differently? None of us have an expiration date on our back. So isn’t it best that we all live as if there were no tomorrow? Can you imagine how beautiful this world would be?
It can be rough sometimes sitting in this world feeling like you’re the only one in it. An everyday 25 year old doesn’t have to face what I face. And it’s not that I am looking for pity, because pity is what I am NOT asking for. It’s just that when people get overwhelmed with how I am living my life these days, it begs me to question if they are seeing something in me in which they wished they themselves could possess. For example, Perry and I just got engaged, and we have heard from a few people, “wow, you guys are moving fast”. But Perry and I are in love. We know in our hearts that we want to spend the rest of whatever time, be it 15 or 20 years together, so why should we wait? I often find that jealousy prompts people to make such statements as they are longing to have something as beautiful in their lives. Perry is the very reason I am still alive, why wouldn’t I want to honor him by allowing him to walk through this journey at my side. He’s proven he can do it, and he wants to do it. So I’m letting him!
My tolerance to bullshit is also getting more and more less tolerable. I need to work on compassion as because I am staring death in the face, it makes me wonder why people get on with such immature behavior and act out in such childishness. But I have to remember these people are not on my journey, perhaps if they knew their partner was dying and was terminally ill then they would get it, but they just don’t! So I have to accept that. Doesn’t mean I have to put up with bad behavior or be a doormat to people, it just has meant that I needed to cut some dramatic, attention seeking people from my life. It really hurts though when it is your family.
My Family were people that I thought were going to stick by my side no matter what. No matter what I did, I would have hoped they could get the real sense of what is going on and realize that my days on this earth could be numbered. No one knows if this transplant will be a success. Despite the doctors best efforts anything could go wrong, so the risks are high. Now I am not saying I believe that’s the case, because I have said from day one I picture life after transplant and it’s beautiful! But I wish people, including my family could really get over themselves and realize just how badly I need their support right now. Rather they are talking shit about me, spreading harmful gossip and causing great distress knowing that their petty behavior will be something they will regret in the long run. Life is too damn short people!
It breaks my heart that with the exception of my Aunt Linda and big sister Kayla, not one member of my family has asked me how I am doing with all of this. Not one! It makes me so sad at heart to even fathom that this would be the case. I always imagined my family being front row, center. But they are nowhere to be found. And it’s very difficult to accept that. It’s hard to accept that something I did 5 years ago that has no relevance to my present health condition is being held against me. But this is where my new attitude comes in. I don’t have time to care.
Sure I’m really sad that things have to be this way, but it’s their limitation to not be able to move forward and realize and wake up the reality of what’s on the line here. It will be their regret when they wake up and realize that I am gone. That they couldn’t even call and see how I was doing. Until that day, if it ever comes, I’m gonna pray for those people, because I find them really sad and damaged. To not be able to show love to your own family member is a hard pill for me to swallow, but I have been given no choice.
I as a person have had to focus more on the people I do have in my life, rather than worry about the ones I don’t. They obviously aren’t losing any sleep over it, so why should I. I am have been so overwhelmed this past month with the support from people I barely even know, to show such expressions of kindness, to make donations to help me get another fighting chance at this. I know I have said it time and time again, but thank-you just doesn’t cut it. It’s like I wish I could invent a stronger word for the Webster’s dictionary to express just how grateful I am to these people. The only thing I can do is to promise I will use my life to do something amazing, and to make change in this world.
So yes, it can get very overwhelming knowing that at any point now in the near future death and I may have a close encounter. But it has enriched my life in ways that I am just so thankful. Like I said everything because clear and the stupid, petty non-essential arguments we all have with each other just seems like a literal waist of fresh air. It’s allowed me the moments to stop time and admire a sun setting, second by second. It’s allowed me the beauty in seeing the fall leaves slowly changing color. It’s allowed me to see the love in a young girls eyes for her father that he doesn’t realize is so strong. It’s allowed me to live. I don’t take any moment here on this earth for granted. I treasure every one, and make sure I do at least one major thing each day to enhance the joy I have in my life. It’s so important for all of us to do so, because I may know that soon I have some rough waters to voyage through, but a lot don’t have that kind of warning. So people, please, make sure you live to your fullest; you never know when today will be your last today.
"The truth is that
our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply
uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments,
propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and
start searching for different ways or truer answers." ~ Unknown
Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
Your whole life changes. Everything you thought you knew and believed in suddenly becomes garbage. It’s as if you were walking around , your entire life with this foggy haze and then suddenly, for the first time the sun shines. You feel the warmth on your face and you embrace the suns glow as a kiss from the heavens. You smile instantly because even though death is as the door, you never felt more alive.
That’s exactly how I felt when the whole concept of transplant was introduced to me. You sometimes forget how precious life truly is until being told your existence may soon come to an end. And I’m tired of being so strong lately that I just wanted to write a blog about how I am coping with all this. It’s hard when everyone around you doesn’t understand your sudden zeal and zest for life and why you are so passionate about everything. My only regret is not living my entire life feeling as free as I do now. So it burns me to ask, if you knew your days were numbered, would you live your life differently? None of us have an expiration date on our back. So isn’t it best that we all live as if there were no tomorrow? Can you imagine how beautiful this world would be?
It can be rough sometimes sitting in this world feeling like you’re the only one in it. An everyday 25 year old doesn’t have to face what I face. And it’s not that I am looking for pity, because pity is what I am NOT asking for. It’s just that when people get overwhelmed with how I am living my life these days, it begs me to question if they are seeing something in me in which they wished they themselves could possess. For example, Perry and I just got engaged, and we have heard from a few people, “wow, you guys are moving fast”. But Perry and I are in love. We know in our hearts that we want to spend the rest of whatever time, be it 15 or 20 years together, so why should we wait? I often find that jealousy prompts people to make such statements as they are longing to have something as beautiful in their lives. Perry is the very reason I am still alive, why wouldn’t I want to honor him by allowing him to walk through this journey at my side. He’s proven he can do it, and he wants to do it. So I’m letting him!
My tolerance to bullshit is also getting more and more less tolerable. I need to work on compassion as because I am staring death in the face, it makes me wonder why people get on with such immature behavior and act out in such childishness. But I have to remember these people are not on my journey, perhaps if they knew their partner was dying and was terminally ill then they would get it, but they just don’t! So I have to accept that. Doesn’t mean I have to put up with bad behavior or be a doormat to people, it just has meant that I needed to cut some dramatic, attention seeking people from my life. It really hurts though when it is your family.
My Family were people that I thought were going to stick by my side no matter what. No matter what I did, I would have hoped they could get the real sense of what is going on and realize that my days on this earth could be numbered. No one knows if this transplant will be a success. Despite the doctors best efforts anything could go wrong, so the risks are high. Now I am not saying I believe that’s the case, because I have said from day one I picture life after transplant and it’s beautiful! But I wish people, including my family could really get over themselves and realize just how badly I need their support right now. Rather they are talking shit about me, spreading harmful gossip and causing great distress knowing that their petty behavior will be something they will regret in the long run. Life is too damn short people!
It breaks my heart that with the exception of my Aunt Linda and big sister Kayla, not one member of my family has asked me how I am doing with all of this. Not one! It makes me so sad at heart to even fathom that this would be the case. I always imagined my family being front row, center. But they are nowhere to be found. And it’s very difficult to accept that. It’s hard to accept that something I did 5 years ago that has no relevance to my present health condition is being held against me. But this is where my new attitude comes in. I don’t have time to care.
Sure I’m really sad that things have to be this way, but it’s their limitation to not be able to move forward and realize and wake up the reality of what’s on the line here. It will be their regret when they wake up and realize that I am gone. That they couldn’t even call and see how I was doing. Until that day, if it ever comes, I’m gonna pray for those people, because I find them really sad and damaged. To not be able to show love to your own family member is a hard pill for me to swallow, but I have been given no choice.
I as a person have had to focus more on the people I do have in my life, rather than worry about the ones I don’t. They obviously aren’t losing any sleep over it, so why should I. I am have been so overwhelmed this past month with the support from people I barely even know, to show such expressions of kindness, to make donations to help me get another fighting chance at this. I know I have said it time and time again, but thank-you just doesn’t cut it. It’s like I wish I could invent a stronger word for the Webster’s dictionary to express just how grateful I am to these people. The only thing I can do is to promise I will use my life to do something amazing, and to make change in this world.
So yes, it can get very overwhelming knowing that at any point now in the near future death and I may have a close encounter. But it has enriched my life in ways that I am just so thankful. Like I said everything because clear and the stupid, petty non-essential arguments we all have with each other just seems like a literal waist of fresh air. It’s allowed me the moments to stop time and admire a sun setting, second by second. It’s allowed me the beauty in seeing the fall leaves slowly changing color. It’s allowed me to see the love in a young girls eyes for her father that he doesn’t realize is so strong. It’s allowed me to live. I don’t take any moment here on this earth for granted. I treasure every one, and make sure I do at least one major thing each day to enhance the joy I have in my life. It’s so important for all of us to do so, because I may know that soon I have some rough waters to voyage through, but a lot don’t have that kind of warning. So people, please, make sure you live to your fullest; you never know when today will be your last today.
Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
