I forgive…..myself.
There is one thing that I pride myself on, and that is the ability to forgive. I believe that holding grudges and resentments towards people takes too much energy and can rob us of much joy to be had in this life. Make no mistake, I am not saying that I am a doormat and that you can hurt me a million times, but if someone shows genuine remorse over something they have done to us, should we not forgive?
My father is a different man today than he was back then, and I have come to move on and accept my past and leave it there, in the past. What’s done is done and none of us poses the power to go back and change anything. So I have just choses to accept that my father had limitations to showing love, as he learned from his own upbringing, and that deep down in his heart I know that he loved and still does love me. I am so glad that I forgave him and let go of all the anger than used to consume my life, because now I can be around him and learn who my father truly is and reap the benefits of giving someone another chance.
I sincerely do forgive my mother for her unwise decision to smoke around me all my life despite having a life threatening illness that effect the lungs. In recent days she has done things that I will never understand yet, I forgive her but will not allow myself to be hurt any longer. Forgiveness doesn’t mean putting up with unacceptable behavior. It means that we learn to let go of negative karma we have in our souls yet allows us to be cautious to future attacks of coldness.
I forgive the hundreds of Jehovah’s Witnesses who have turned their backs on me for being a homosexual. I never thought that people who claimed to love me so much would ever turn their back on me because of whom I chose to go to sleep with at night. I understand their hurt over my leaving Alicia, but to embrace a life and be truly happy, I don’t think anyone has the right to not like that. I had to lose several friends and loved ones because of my choice to come out, but in the end it’s the people who love me and truly want me to be happy that I still have left by my side.
I learned recently through a wise soul that there is one person that I do not have the ability to forgive and I was made to realize that I hold a lot of resentment toward this person. Can you guess who it is? Me. I never even thought of the concept of self-forgiveness until a friend of mine brought it to my attention that I am constantly rehashing my past mistakes and allowing it to shape the decisions of my future. I am able to free others of the burden of being in my ‘bad books’ yet my name still covers the pages.
I know I wasn’t the perfect child. I made a lot of mistakes. I was very spoiled and I knew it. My two sisters often felt that I was treated better and they were 100% accurate. I was always favored by my mother because of my illness. And she had to give me a lot more attention because of my physical care needs as a child. But I did get out of hand on several occasions. The first big mistake I recall making was when I was 15. I really wanted whitening toothpaste and the new ‘clicky’ pencils that just came out. So, when me and mom and my aunt were at Sobeys I stole them. And guess what, I got caught. I am thankful that I did as I wonder if I would have continued to steal as a way of getting what I wanted. It’s only been recently that I have forgiven myself for that. I always feel like everyone is watching me when I go into a store, even after all these years. I haven’t stole a thing since. But it was something that I harped on myself for, for a very long time. It’s only been in recent years that I have let go of the fact that I made that mistake.
I had a real hard time this time last year preparing to leave my ex-wife, as I felt that it would be my fault if her life remained unfulfilled after I left. I had to learn that I was not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. I am so happy to hear that she is doing well these days and is very happy. It makes my heart soar. But I still blame myself for getting into that situation in the first place. Had I had the courage to embrace my true self right from the beginning and when I was taught that homosexuality was wrong from someone’s perspective from the bible I should have defended the fact that I was born this way. I don’t regret marrying her. We shared some of the most beautiful moments in my life. However I could have spared a lot of hurt had I just been open and honest, not just with myself, but with the world. But I have learned to forgive myself for that. I am a much better person now, a different person. Someone who loves himself and respects himself to know that I cannot change the past, just try and be a better person as I move forward.
Then there was the issues with my mom. I used to lie a lot you see. I used lying in my previous life as a coping mechanism. Therefore I began to lie in every aspect of my life, not just to cover up my true identity from the world. That cost my mom a lot of heartache and it was some of the darkest days of my life. I felt so bad for causing someone so much pain and upset that it was one of the reasons I turned suicidal. But everyone has to face the truth eventually, and lies only last for so long. So when the truth came out, and I came out, I vowed not anyone else but to myself, no more lying. I have learned the hard way that telling the truth is much easier, no matter how difficult it may seem at the time. Lying only brings on my problems. But when you tell the truth you are able to find solutions. I learned this the most of course when I embraced my sexuality. But I have made an effort to correct things with my mom and I have learned to let go of what I did. The reality is we are all human and we all make mistakes. I had to stop making myself out to be an evil person.
I could go on and on about the mistakes I have made over the years, in fact I could write a book. But these ones were some of the major ones that I have done in my life. And I am only discussing them in hopes of helping someone else let go of self-resentment. Again, no one on this earth is perfect. Some may claim to be but they are living in a fantasy world. And some make more serious mistakes than other, but they are still mistakes. I am still learning to truly love myself and in doing that I am learning to forgive ME. I cannot hold a burden in my heart against myself for all the wrong things that I have done in my life. I just don’t have the energy nor the time for that. But when we learn to let go of feeling that we are not good enough, we become better people. Better husbands, better children, better siblings – better people!
What’s done is done. I cannot ask someone for forgiveness if I first cannot forgive myself. That would be like asking for a loan and never being able to pay it back. So the next time forgiveness is needed towards someone else, make sure you love yourself enough to forgive you.
“My past mistakes have been laid to rest
Now there is only room for happiness”
~ Shania Twain
Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
There is one thing that I pride myself on, and that is the ability to forgive. I believe that holding grudges and resentments towards people takes too much energy and can rob us of much joy to be had in this life. Make no mistake, I am not saying that I am a doormat and that you can hurt me a million times, but if someone shows genuine remorse over something they have done to us, should we not forgive?
My father is a different man today than he was back then, and I have come to move on and accept my past and leave it there, in the past. What’s done is done and none of us poses the power to go back and change anything. So I have just choses to accept that my father had limitations to showing love, as he learned from his own upbringing, and that deep down in his heart I know that he loved and still does love me. I am so glad that I forgave him and let go of all the anger than used to consume my life, because now I can be around him and learn who my father truly is and reap the benefits of giving someone another chance.
I sincerely do forgive my mother for her unwise decision to smoke around me all my life despite having a life threatening illness that effect the lungs. In recent days she has done things that I will never understand yet, I forgive her but will not allow myself to be hurt any longer. Forgiveness doesn’t mean putting up with unacceptable behavior. It means that we learn to let go of negative karma we have in our souls yet allows us to be cautious to future attacks of coldness.
I forgive the hundreds of Jehovah’s Witnesses who have turned their backs on me for being a homosexual. I never thought that people who claimed to love me so much would ever turn their back on me because of whom I chose to go to sleep with at night. I understand their hurt over my leaving Alicia, but to embrace a life and be truly happy, I don’t think anyone has the right to not like that. I had to lose several friends and loved ones because of my choice to come out, but in the end it’s the people who love me and truly want me to be happy that I still have left by my side.
I learned recently through a wise soul that there is one person that I do not have the ability to forgive and I was made to realize that I hold a lot of resentment toward this person. Can you guess who it is? Me. I never even thought of the concept of self-forgiveness until a friend of mine brought it to my attention that I am constantly rehashing my past mistakes and allowing it to shape the decisions of my future. I am able to free others of the burden of being in my ‘bad books’ yet my name still covers the pages.
I know I wasn’t the perfect child. I made a lot of mistakes. I was very spoiled and I knew it. My two sisters often felt that I was treated better and they were 100% accurate. I was always favored by my mother because of my illness. And she had to give me a lot more attention because of my physical care needs as a child. But I did get out of hand on several occasions. The first big mistake I recall making was when I was 15. I really wanted whitening toothpaste and the new ‘clicky’ pencils that just came out. So, when me and mom and my aunt were at Sobeys I stole them. And guess what, I got caught. I am thankful that I did as I wonder if I would have continued to steal as a way of getting what I wanted. It’s only been recently that I have forgiven myself for that. I always feel like everyone is watching me when I go into a store, even after all these years. I haven’t stole a thing since. But it was something that I harped on myself for, for a very long time. It’s only been in recent years that I have let go of the fact that I made that mistake.
I had a real hard time this time last year preparing to leave my ex-wife, as I felt that it would be my fault if her life remained unfulfilled after I left. I had to learn that I was not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. I am so happy to hear that she is doing well these days and is very happy. It makes my heart soar. But I still blame myself for getting into that situation in the first place. Had I had the courage to embrace my true self right from the beginning and when I was taught that homosexuality was wrong from someone’s perspective from the bible I should have defended the fact that I was born this way. I don’t regret marrying her. We shared some of the most beautiful moments in my life. However I could have spared a lot of hurt had I just been open and honest, not just with myself, but with the world. But I have learned to forgive myself for that. I am a much better person now, a different person. Someone who loves himself and respects himself to know that I cannot change the past, just try and be a better person as I move forward.
Then there was the issues with my mom. I used to lie a lot you see. I used lying in my previous life as a coping mechanism. Therefore I began to lie in every aspect of my life, not just to cover up my true identity from the world. That cost my mom a lot of heartache and it was some of the darkest days of my life. I felt so bad for causing someone so much pain and upset that it was one of the reasons I turned suicidal. But everyone has to face the truth eventually, and lies only last for so long. So when the truth came out, and I came out, I vowed not anyone else but to myself, no more lying. I have learned the hard way that telling the truth is much easier, no matter how difficult it may seem at the time. Lying only brings on my problems. But when you tell the truth you are able to find solutions. I learned this the most of course when I embraced my sexuality. But I have made an effort to correct things with my mom and I have learned to let go of what I did. The reality is we are all human and we all make mistakes. I had to stop making myself out to be an evil person.
I could go on and on about the mistakes I have made over the years, in fact I could write a book. But these ones were some of the major ones that I have done in my life. And I am only discussing them in hopes of helping someone else let go of self-resentment. Again, no one on this earth is perfect. Some may claim to be but they are living in a fantasy world. And some make more serious mistakes than other, but they are still mistakes. I am still learning to truly love myself and in doing that I am learning to forgive ME. I cannot hold a burden in my heart against myself for all the wrong things that I have done in my life. I just don’t have the energy nor the time for that. But when we learn to let go of feeling that we are not good enough, we become better people. Better husbands, better children, better siblings – better people!
What’s done is done. I cannot ask someone for forgiveness if I first cannot forgive myself. That would be like asking for a loan and never being able to pay it back. So the next time forgiveness is needed towards someone else, make sure you love yourself enough to forgive you.
“My past mistakes have been laid to rest
Now there is only room for happiness”
~ Shania Twain
Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
