FoundI have been trying to understand the phycology of it all. Why we allow other human beings to bring us in the dark hen we are striving to live in the light. Why we allow them to fill us with so much anger, so much darkness and sadness. Why we allow their opinions and close minded statements to rob us of the joy we seek to have in our lives. Last night was one of the worst nights I have had in a very long time. But what hurts you yesterday makes you stronger today, and this is what I have gained.
I’ve learned over the past year that no matter how one choses to live his or her life, there will always be people who do not agree with what they are doing. There will always be those who think they can do it better. There will always those who feel that if we lived by their ways and their rules that our lives would be better; more fulfilled. But since when did anyone have the right to tell us that what we are doing isn’t good enough? And since when did we allow others to dictate what is right and what is wrong. For what is right and what is wrong varies for each person. But I am not willing to waist all of the efforts that I have put in to ensure my happiness with myself and my being with Perry, to let a few people who are ignorant to cause me pain and upset when really they don’t care.
I got an e-mail last night from someone from my past, whom I want to remain nameless as I fear someone will want to kill them after reading this. She has been reading these blogs and felt the need to tell me that I am a ‘self-centered, ego maniac who feeds off attention from others.’ Someone who ‘doesn’t deserve a second chance at life because you have messed up the first one’. She felt that it was important to ‘bring me down a few notches’ and open my eyes to reality and inform me that I need to start appreciating the things I have.
I cried for an hour upon reading this.
That combined with an argument with a guy about a stupid Facebook status that I had that he over analyzed and made me feel like a piece of shit, combined with stress and not knowing how to deal with my emotions about transplant lately and then top it all off exhaustion from trying to keep up the pace at work while dealing with weak lungs. Needless to say, especially after last night’s blog post, I snapped.
I don’t know what it is that makes me so sad when someone says something to me. I don’t know if it is from being abused by y alcoholic father as a child, not sure if it is from being bullied at school, not sure if it was from all the brain washing I experienced when I was a Jehovah’s Witness and maybe I was afraid that some of that was creeping back in to my life somehow, but I do know that it triggers something very evil in me, and I don’t like it. I don’t like handing over that kind of power to people, the kind of power that has destructive forces and can cause a lot of damage to my soul, and has done so. Last night I actually allowed myself to question whether or not I was a good person. Made me question whether or not I deserve a lung transplant. Made me question whether or not I deserve to have Perry’s love in my life. I allowed that to happen.
I have preached on here time and time again that life is all about attitude. And how we react to things, yet last night my ability to control that aspect of life simply vanished. I was brought right down to the pit where all I wanted to do was scrape some dirt in on top of me until I could no longer breathe. But I allowed this to happen.
I have learned from talking to my shrink and my social worker that jealousy is a root of a lot of evil in this world. A lot of people have a hard time seeing good things happen to others, especially when their own lives aren’t so peachy. They tend to pick on the imperfections in someone else’s life rather than face their own demons. I have a lot of attention around me right now and a lot of positive energy, very positive, and a lot of people just can’t deal with nor accept that. They need a little bit of that energy themselves and feel the need and simply insist on trying to rob some joy from others by saying or doing something that they know will hurt someone else. BUT. It can only hurt us if we allow it too.
We have two choices when confronted with negativity; we can either react or we can ignore. Sure the imperfect human in each of us leans towards the first, react. Who of us wants to be hurt or saddened by someone else’s actions or comments, so naturally our instinct is to either put our claws out and attack back, or ball up into a corner and throw a huge ass pity party. BUT! What about if we didn’t react at all? What about if I learned to not give, or allow the other person to have so much power over me that I chose to say, “NO!. I am not going to let this bother me!” By choosing the later we not only send a message to our attacker that they have no power over us and cannot bring us down from the glorious clouds in which we are so happily residing, but it also strengthens us for future blows, to make us stronger in dealing with more assholes that will come our way.
All I know is I hate feeling as low as I did last night. But I also know who I am deep down inside and I know that I don’t deserve to give these people my time and energy when I have SOOOOOOOO much positivity surrounding me on a daily basis. Why is it that we so quickly focus on the darkness when there is so much light? All I know is I am going to try and make sure that never happens again. I know that I am a good person at heart. I see it through the miracles that I have witnessed in my life, Perry being one of them. We have so much love between us, it’s remarkable and makes me believe in ‘meant to be’s’. We have so much positive things to look forward to as well, like our wedding day is approaching and there is so much planning and good things to come. We have the most amazing friends around us who make us feel so much love even though some of them have to love us from afar. And above all, we have the gift of Today! Another day to enjoy on this beautiful earth that God has been so kind to give us. It’s true what they say, today is a present, because it is a gift from above.
So the next time some idiot who thinks they know it all tries to rain on your parade and make you feel like your bellow insects on the totem pole, just ask yourself; “Am I going to allow them to bring me down? Or, am I gonna show them who’s in charge of my own life and say NO, you can’t hurt me!” Because that’s what I’m sure as hell gonna do!
Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
