Facing my own demons
I feel like I am stuck in a place, a dark place, as I continue my transition to being a better human being. Since I was a child, I have always had this inner ‘Satan’ that I have hated, but always seemed to show his face at the most inappropriate times. It is now that I am a man, I realize that “Satan” is really Anger.
I remember being so young as six years old and wondering about why ‘God’, whomever that may be, would want me to suffer when all the other kids around me appeared to live a normal life. This has been something that I have struggled with over the years. Then, why would ‘God’ whoever he may be want me to not only suffer from Cystic Fibrosis but want me to be raised by a raging alcoholic father. Why on earth then on top of that would ‘God’ whom I was really starting to dislike, make me be a victim of rape at the age of 10 years old. On top of all of that was my inner demon who I now consider my own angel, my Gay self, that I struggled for so long accepting and was angry that I couldn’t just shout out to the world, “I AM GAY!”
Anger has robbed me of so much joy over the years, and I am only starting to see that now as I continue on my journey and face new challenges every day. There was always that darkness that plagued my days with an inner frown that was not able to be released. It is only now from reading literature such as self-help books that I am really learning the importance of facing that anger, and getting to the root of where it comes from and minimizing it as quickly as possible. Especially for someone like me who has a terminal illness. When we are stressed and have anger inside, doctors have proven that it can have a negative effect on your immune system and could cause harm to your overall health.
Six time Grammy award winner, Adele, thanks life every day that she went through hard times. She vows that had it not been for her idiot ex-boyfriend, No.1 singles like ‘Rolling in the deep’ and ‘Someone like you’ would not exist, which as we know landed her on the global scene of success. But the difference between me and Adele, besides the fact that she has a vagina and I have a penis, is that she learned to use her anger for the good. What power! To turn anger and emotion into such beautiful song lyrics! Now I’m not telling you all to look out for my name flying up the chart’s anytime soon, but isn’t it amazing how some of us ‘get it’ and some of us, like me, don’t!
I recently read a book called, “Enjoy Every Sandwich”, which I highly recommend by the way, and in it there is a chapter called ‘Digging in the Dark’ and I swear it was meant just for my soul. It talks about how most of us are scared to face the darkest places within ourselves in fear that we may have to admit to imperfection, but that doing so can release you to a life of joy and excitement rather than one of anger and guilt. My anger tends to come out towards others when they say and do things that truly upsets and hurts me, though maybe not intended. Lee Lipsenthal writes; “I try to see myself in the other person’s shoes and mind and try and see why people feel the way they do. It may not resolve the issues at hand and I may not approve of the choices the offender has made, but I am able to generate compassion toward that person.” Is that not beautiful? My Aunt Heather tells me all the time whenever I tell her about how someone has wronged me or has disappointed me in some large way, “Did you pray for them?” WHAT!?!? Did I pray for them!? Are you kidding? They are the ones who are causing my life to be a living hell and you want me to pray for them!? It may sound extreme, but this has actually released my anger in a matter of seconds. When we realize that we do not need to take ownership of other people’s actions, that’s freedom! I heard an illustration once; holding onto a grudge is like taking a daily dose of poison, the only one it is going to effect is us. The other person doesn’t care that you are harboring resentments towards them, nor do they probably even realize it! So instead of letting things eat away at us and fester inside, are we not better off releasing our anger into the world and let karma or God’s good graces to handle it?
This has all hit very home to me in the past week, as I was released from my job. It is the first time ever I have been released from a job from anywhere. I was humiliated and disgusted at how manipulative the new manager was to have caused me to be dismissed from my employment. And even though she said on the phone it was because of my health, I know that this was only an excuse to give me as she herself, the owner felt bad for making the decision. The owners of the restaurant have been very supportive of my health issues since I started there, even allowing me to place a glass bottle for donations at the front of the store counter. But what did the “Satan” inside do? Took it as a personal attack, allowing myself to go so far as to experience a severe anxiety attack and have to be brought to emerge to settle me down. But was the manager in dismay? Probably not! I was allowing her actions to cause me so much pain and heartache that it was actually making me sick. Again, taking that daily dose of that delicious poison! What I have learned now that the dust has settled is that, I am powerless over other people’s actions. 100% powerless. And I cannot allow these people to make me feel like I am an insignificant part of this world. What I am going to try and do now is pray for the manager. Pray that she finds help to heal herself of her own demons and maybe not treat others in the way I have been treated. This all started over me speaking out to the owner about concerns I had, and then she came after me for revenge. But what she did is her business and she in the end will be accountable for it when we go wherever it is that we are going. Fred Luskin of Stanford University suggests that we “Forgive and Remember”, not forgive and forget. Forgive and move on with your life, yet still being cautious of repeating the same mistakes or allowing ourselves to be put in those types of situations.
I’m certainly not perfect. There are demons inside me and inside all of us that we wish we could just cover up with a nice thick blanket. But by facing these human flaws, it will allow me to continue to grow into a better, more decent human being. Expressing compassion for others when we are inclined to hate on them is power. Not power for them, power for us, because we are choosing to say no to our inclination to spread hatred and anger in this world. Instead we try and show a little bit of love. I’m not saying that it is easy to not allow ourselves to become worked up when someone has done wrong by us. It’s been a week since I was let go wrongfully from my job and I still have to take an Ativan and a Gravol to try and help me get myself to sleep after I cry and contemplate what I could have done different. But at least I have released myself this day of the tensions of this day. And tomorrow is a new day. A day in which I can wake up happier and able to face the next set of challenges of Jamie’s Journey.
“Living involves tearing up one rough draft after another”
- Author Unknown
Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
I feel like I am stuck in a place, a dark place, as I continue my transition to being a better human being. Since I was a child, I have always had this inner ‘Satan’ that I have hated, but always seemed to show his face at the most inappropriate times. It is now that I am a man, I realize that “Satan” is really Anger.
I remember being so young as six years old and wondering about why ‘God’, whomever that may be, would want me to suffer when all the other kids around me appeared to live a normal life. This has been something that I have struggled with over the years. Then, why would ‘God’ whoever he may be want me to not only suffer from Cystic Fibrosis but want me to be raised by a raging alcoholic father. Why on earth then on top of that would ‘God’ whom I was really starting to dislike, make me be a victim of rape at the age of 10 years old. On top of all of that was my inner demon who I now consider my own angel, my Gay self, that I struggled for so long accepting and was angry that I couldn’t just shout out to the world, “I AM GAY!”
Anger has robbed me of so much joy over the years, and I am only starting to see that now as I continue on my journey and face new challenges every day. There was always that darkness that plagued my days with an inner frown that was not able to be released. It is only now from reading literature such as self-help books that I am really learning the importance of facing that anger, and getting to the root of where it comes from and minimizing it as quickly as possible. Especially for someone like me who has a terminal illness. When we are stressed and have anger inside, doctors have proven that it can have a negative effect on your immune system and could cause harm to your overall health.
Six time Grammy award winner, Adele, thanks life every day that she went through hard times. She vows that had it not been for her idiot ex-boyfriend, No.1 singles like ‘Rolling in the deep’ and ‘Someone like you’ would not exist, which as we know landed her on the global scene of success. But the difference between me and Adele, besides the fact that she has a vagina and I have a penis, is that she learned to use her anger for the good. What power! To turn anger and emotion into such beautiful song lyrics! Now I’m not telling you all to look out for my name flying up the chart’s anytime soon, but isn’t it amazing how some of us ‘get it’ and some of us, like me, don’t!
I recently read a book called, “Enjoy Every Sandwich”, which I highly recommend by the way, and in it there is a chapter called ‘Digging in the Dark’ and I swear it was meant just for my soul. It talks about how most of us are scared to face the darkest places within ourselves in fear that we may have to admit to imperfection, but that doing so can release you to a life of joy and excitement rather than one of anger and guilt. My anger tends to come out towards others when they say and do things that truly upsets and hurts me, though maybe not intended. Lee Lipsenthal writes; “I try to see myself in the other person’s shoes and mind and try and see why people feel the way they do. It may not resolve the issues at hand and I may not approve of the choices the offender has made, but I am able to generate compassion toward that person.” Is that not beautiful? My Aunt Heather tells me all the time whenever I tell her about how someone has wronged me or has disappointed me in some large way, “Did you pray for them?” WHAT!?!? Did I pray for them!? Are you kidding? They are the ones who are causing my life to be a living hell and you want me to pray for them!? It may sound extreme, but this has actually released my anger in a matter of seconds. When we realize that we do not need to take ownership of other people’s actions, that’s freedom! I heard an illustration once; holding onto a grudge is like taking a daily dose of poison, the only one it is going to effect is us. The other person doesn’t care that you are harboring resentments towards them, nor do they probably even realize it! So instead of letting things eat away at us and fester inside, are we not better off releasing our anger into the world and let karma or God’s good graces to handle it?
This has all hit very home to me in the past week, as I was released from my job. It is the first time ever I have been released from a job from anywhere. I was humiliated and disgusted at how manipulative the new manager was to have caused me to be dismissed from my employment. And even though she said on the phone it was because of my health, I know that this was only an excuse to give me as she herself, the owner felt bad for making the decision. The owners of the restaurant have been very supportive of my health issues since I started there, even allowing me to place a glass bottle for donations at the front of the store counter. But what did the “Satan” inside do? Took it as a personal attack, allowing myself to go so far as to experience a severe anxiety attack and have to be brought to emerge to settle me down. But was the manager in dismay? Probably not! I was allowing her actions to cause me so much pain and heartache that it was actually making me sick. Again, taking that daily dose of that delicious poison! What I have learned now that the dust has settled is that, I am powerless over other people’s actions. 100% powerless. And I cannot allow these people to make me feel like I am an insignificant part of this world. What I am going to try and do now is pray for the manager. Pray that she finds help to heal herself of her own demons and maybe not treat others in the way I have been treated. This all started over me speaking out to the owner about concerns I had, and then she came after me for revenge. But what she did is her business and she in the end will be accountable for it when we go wherever it is that we are going. Fred Luskin of Stanford University suggests that we “Forgive and Remember”, not forgive and forget. Forgive and move on with your life, yet still being cautious of repeating the same mistakes or allowing ourselves to be put in those types of situations.
I’m certainly not perfect. There are demons inside me and inside all of us that we wish we could just cover up with a nice thick blanket. But by facing these human flaws, it will allow me to continue to grow into a better, more decent human being. Expressing compassion for others when we are inclined to hate on them is power. Not power for them, power for us, because we are choosing to say no to our inclination to spread hatred and anger in this world. Instead we try and show a little bit of love. I’m not saying that it is easy to not allow ourselves to become worked up when someone has done wrong by us. It’s been a week since I was let go wrongfully from my job and I still have to take an Ativan and a Gravol to try and help me get myself to sleep after I cry and contemplate what I could have done different. But at least I have released myself this day of the tensions of this day. And tomorrow is a new day. A day in which I can wake up happier and able to face the next set of challenges of Jamie’s Journey.
“Living involves tearing up one rough draft after another”
- Author Unknown
Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
