Giving Light to the Darkness

Giving Light to the Darkness

I’m not going to lie; I’ve been having a really rough week. And it’s about time I come clean to everyone about a dark part of my life that has been affecting me for 5 years now.

I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. I knew that my being gay yet living with a woman was causing me to feel down, but there was more than that. I was sad all the time and lost a lot of the love for things I enjoyed doing and became a hermit. I was not devoted to my bible studies nor was I doing anything for myself. I simply existed, but was not living.

After my nephew died, it seemed as though nothing would ever make sense to me anymore. I questioned every belief that I had, and wondered if I believed in anything. Being trapped in a world where you feel there is no escape is one of the scariest feelings I think someone could ever feel. It was very lonely.

So I decided to see a doctor about my mental health. I had never properly dealt with the abuse my father exposed me to as a child, and I certainly never even told anyone about my uncle raping me. And now this feeling inside that was about to explode of wanting to break out of this cultivated world I was living in a be true to myself and those around me was causing me a lot of anxiety that I just simply did not know how to deal with.

My sessions were really hard at first. I spent most of the time crying over my stumbled words as I tried to express how troubled my life was.

Shortly after I tried to take my own life.

It became evident to my doctor that there was something more medical going on than just dealing with a lot of shit. It wasn’t long after that, that I was diagnosed with Depression.

It has been such a hard battle to get to where I am to today. And sometimes I question how I managed to get where I am. And often times, like this past week, my depression creeps up out of nowhere and again makes me have doubts and question things that I thought were certain.

You most likely will never understand the brainwashing that occurs in the Jehovah’s Witness faith, but it is deep rooted. I’ve said before in my blog that they believe that homosexuality is a sin, and that anyone who practices such a lifestyle will suffer everlasting destruction at the hand of God. I remember sitting in a meeting where the elders would discuss this topic and I would tense up feeling ashamed of who I was. Have you ever been ashamed of who you are? It is not a nice feeling. Needless to say my self-worth was non-existent and I tried my hardest to ‘pray the gay away’, to no avail of course.

Yesterday I seen a ‘friend’ of mine had posted a picture on Facebook that said “Click ‘like’ if you think that marriage should be between ONE man and ONE woman”.  Immediately the bullied and depressed insecure child in me took this as a personal attack and I had to defend myself. I wrote her a message on Facebook saying that I had to delete her because I found her take on something she knows nothing about very offensive. I told her that I would pray for her that God would help her learn the true meaning of what being a child of God is really about. She then attacked back and this went on for about an hour or so. I’m getting to a point here, bear with me. By the end of the conversation I had gotten nowhere with her because her ignorance prevented her from seeing that I was trying to open her mind and make her understand why her attitude contributes to so much hate in the world. She basically said that Satan had a good hold on me and that I should pray to God – yet again – for deliverance from my evil.

It was this conversation that made me realize something that I hate about myself. Why is it that my self-worth and self-esteem is dependent on what OTHER people think of me, and little on how I think of myself? Have you ever been in that situation? We somehow manage to adapt someone else’s opinion of us as the opinion of our own. And this type of thinking usually worsens when I’m having a ‘down’ time in my life.

It reminds me when two of Perry’s friends, April and Stacey whom he was really close with, one being his ‘best’ friend, decided that they didn’t like me. They felt that I was a liar and that I wasn’t good enough for Perry. They voiced their opinion to Perry and of course he told me, and for some stupid reason, I almost tried to believe them. I looked for the worst attributes in myself and reasoned that maybe I wasn’t good enough for Perry. Maybe he is better off with someone else. And I sincerely thank him for reassuring me that their opinion was their opinion and that he knew who I was and there view of me was not about to change that.
Perry no longer speaks to them, and it saddens me because again I don’t understand why people have to act that way. And I am learning that though I may never understand or accept the actions of other people, it doesn’t mean that I need to attach myself to them or accept them on my own. It’s all about my new project my councilor is helping me work on in setting limits for myself and for others. I need to be readily conscience of when I feel the voices of others get in my head and try and make me believe that I am not a decent person or that I am somehow unacceptable as a human being. She even suggested going as far as putting little sticky post it notes around the house reminding me with quotes and sayings of praise and self-worth.

Depression is something I am still medically treated for today. It is something that I also have to deal with every day, because everyday changes and presents itself with new challenges. But bringing my thoughts and feelings to this Jamie’s Journey blog sure gives me an avenue where I can express myself freely and openly because it is my  journey. And to know that there are people out there rooting for me and do feel like I am a good person gives me the courage to leave the house with my head held high, knowing that I am a good person.

“Life is too short to waste any amount of time on wondering what other people think about you. In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn't have the time to sit around and talk about you. What's important to me is not others' opinions of me, but what's important to me is my opinion of myself.” ~ C. Joyes

Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis

xo