I am not SUPERMAN
I’m struggling. In fact I’m struggling a lot lately
with finding boundaries for myself. We often think of setting boundaries for
other people, but often times we never set them for ourselves. I had a very
insightful session with my shrink today and I certainly had some ah ha moments
in that room. But the biggest lesson I learned is that; I am not superman.
Growing up in a home where I was beaten and also raped
at such a young age, I always felt let down by so many people. And I learned
today that I’m still carrying the scars from those horrific events of my past
with me today. How so? Well, I know the hurt associated with being let down and
I project those feelings onto anyone I meet or deal with whom I know is
hurting. And my inner voice tells me to help those people, because after all, I
wouldn’t want them to be let down and neglected as I was. But the problem with
that you see is if I give a little bit of myself to everyone else, what’s going
to be left of me?
I’m dealing with this situation lots in recent days, mostly because many of my relatives and some of my CF friends have become gravely ill. And it’s not just illness that’s the issue, a lot of people confide in me for many different things. I guess this blog has you all fooled at thinking that I have my shit together. Well, you’re wrong. This blog is mostly used for my self-help and I’m just sharing what I have learned through my struggles in hopes that it may reach someone else and touch the lives of someone who can benefit from my struggles. Either way, I’m grateful to have people who feel comfortable enough to confide in me about their problems, but sometimes it all becomes too much. My councilor illustrated it for me this way;
Life is a garden. And everyone has their own separate piece. Sometimes a friend may need us to visit their land to help them with weeding and watering and so on and so forth. But what happens when a lot of people need us to visit and help with their gardens……what then would happen to ours? Well naturally it would get neglected and would eventually fade away to nothing but dead, dry, withered garbage. Even if there was hope in restoring it to its original condition, it would take an extensive amount of work. Likewise, when we give of ourselves to help out a friend, it’s one thing. But when we devote a major portion of each day’s energy store to help other people, there is nothing left for us and the ones who need it most. Please understand that I am not saying that we shouldn’t help other people when they are in need. That’s not what I am saying at all. It’s just we each have to set boundaries for ourselves to ensure our own sanity.
Another area I am struggling in is knowing when to stay away. I told my councilor today that it’s almost as if I’m drawn to danger. Like I’m a firefighter. Whenever I see fire and smoke, I run right for it. I guess that’s because again of my childhood. No one showed up to put out the fire that almost chocked my mother and I so I feel the need to show up to everyone else’s ‘fires’. It’s almost gotten to the point where my own self-worth is dependent on how much I do for others. But the reality struck hard today when I came to the realization that I cannot fix everything. I will not find a cure for cancer. I will not be able to stop death from knocking at the doors of those whom I love and I certainly cannot change for the better the circumstances of everyone who I know is in a bad way. I’m not sure if my councilor is right in saying my heart is too big, or what it is. But I do feel good when I help others – we all do. But it’s knowing where to draw the line without leaving me feeling like I’m in need of a life line…..that’s the key.
I take on too much. It’s either feast or famine with me. There is no happy medium. As if dealing with having Cystic Fibrosis wasn’t enough, I have to figure out how Joe Blow is going to take care of himself after his mother dies. And how John Smith is going to afford to take time off to care for his ailing daughter. Oh and how Mary Margaret is going to find a new apartment by the time she has to be out of her current living space. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!?!?!?! I cannot take ownership for everyone’s issues!!!! Firefighters don’t work 24/7, so why am I on duty all the time? Of what good is a firefighter if they are too tired to life a ladder, or drive the truck because they are just so exhausted? So I’ve learned today that when there is a fire, I need to start asking myself some questions. Is the situation going to harm me in any way? And can I actually help the situation?
I’m dealing with this situation lots in recent days, mostly because many of my relatives and some of my CF friends have become gravely ill. And it’s not just illness that’s the issue, a lot of people confide in me for many different things. I guess this blog has you all fooled at thinking that I have my shit together. Well, you’re wrong. This blog is mostly used for my self-help and I’m just sharing what I have learned through my struggles in hopes that it may reach someone else and touch the lives of someone who can benefit from my struggles. Either way, I’m grateful to have people who feel comfortable enough to confide in me about their problems, but sometimes it all becomes too much. My councilor illustrated it for me this way;
Life is a garden. And everyone has their own separate piece. Sometimes a friend may need us to visit their land to help them with weeding and watering and so on and so forth. But what happens when a lot of people need us to visit and help with their gardens……what then would happen to ours? Well naturally it would get neglected and would eventually fade away to nothing but dead, dry, withered garbage. Even if there was hope in restoring it to its original condition, it would take an extensive amount of work. Likewise, when we give of ourselves to help out a friend, it’s one thing. But when we devote a major portion of each day’s energy store to help other people, there is nothing left for us and the ones who need it most. Please understand that I am not saying that we shouldn’t help other people when they are in need. That’s not what I am saying at all. It’s just we each have to set boundaries for ourselves to ensure our own sanity.
Another area I am struggling in is knowing when to stay away. I told my councilor today that it’s almost as if I’m drawn to danger. Like I’m a firefighter. Whenever I see fire and smoke, I run right for it. I guess that’s because again of my childhood. No one showed up to put out the fire that almost chocked my mother and I so I feel the need to show up to everyone else’s ‘fires’. It’s almost gotten to the point where my own self-worth is dependent on how much I do for others. But the reality struck hard today when I came to the realization that I cannot fix everything. I will not find a cure for cancer. I will not be able to stop death from knocking at the doors of those whom I love and I certainly cannot change for the better the circumstances of everyone who I know is in a bad way. I’m not sure if my councilor is right in saying my heart is too big, or what it is. But I do feel good when I help others – we all do. But it’s knowing where to draw the line without leaving me feeling like I’m in need of a life line…..that’s the key.
I take on too much. It’s either feast or famine with me. There is no happy medium. As if dealing with having Cystic Fibrosis wasn’t enough, I have to figure out how Joe Blow is going to take care of himself after his mother dies. And how John Smith is going to afford to take time off to care for his ailing daughter. Oh and how Mary Margaret is going to find a new apartment by the time she has to be out of her current living space. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!?!?!?! I cannot take ownership for everyone’s issues!!!! Firefighters don’t work 24/7, so why am I on duty all the time? Of what good is a firefighter if they are too tired to life a ladder, or drive the truck because they are just so exhausted? So I’ve learned today that when there is a fire, I need to start asking myself some questions. Is the situation going to harm me in any way? And can I actually help the situation?
It’s not just emotionally I am wearing myself out
either. Physically I’m exhausted. When we are tired mentally and emotionally,
it affects us physically. But work and just regular life duties have me feeling
wore out like I need to go on a 6 week vacation from reality.
I’m really tired right now. So I’m leaving it at this. But no, I am not Superman. And now I am going to tend to my own garden.
I’m really tired right now. So I’m leaving it at this. But no, I am not Superman. And now I am going to tend to my own garden.
“Once we accept our limits,
we go beyond them.” ~ Albert Einstein
Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
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