Making a new plan
October 1st, 2011 is the day that my life
flipped upside down. By choice of course. It was the day I had planned
literally overnight. After a discussion with my big sister and advice from a
dear friend, I got the nerve to leave the life that had caused me the worst
pain of my entire life. It’s funny because there are not many details I
remember that day, but one stands out. I remember driving next to my Dad, who
was surprisingly the one who drove from St. John’s to Gander in his truck to
get my personal belongings and what was left of the human shell that was Jamie
Chafe. I remember immediately deriving a plan in my head over how my future was
going to pan out. It looked a little like this;
- Dwell on the teachings of Jehovah’s Witnesses that I had been taught to believe in
- Dwell on the teachings of Jehovah’s Witnesses that I had been taught to believe in
that God now
hated me for leaving the cult, and would now cause my world and my
life to end,
which would cause severe depression and therefore cause me to;
- Get involved with people who abused drugs and have
random sex with strangers to
help numb the
pain and end up getting sick which would then cause my CF to
deteriorate and
eventually die
The end.
At first, the outrageous thoughts of the JW religion did haunt my every thought and dream for the first few weeks. It took a lot of tears and self-help books to force those voices in my head to disappear. But they eventually did. Then, to my surprise, I became very conscience of the need to re-build myself. A self that I could be proud to be. I’m not going to lie, there were a few casual one-night stands that felt so right at the time but ended up leaving me feeling more empty than whole. I thought these ‘flings’ were necessary to finding myself. And because I felt so trapped for so long, it was like releasing a starving lion that hadn’t eaten for weeks out on a bunch of helpless sheep, dying for the taste of their skin. When I was with a man in that way, it felt like I was complete. But then after the number of different men got close to the double digits after only being ‘out’ for a few months, I re-evaluated the need to be promiscuous and began focusing more attention on finding out who I was rather than getting laid.
And that’s when it began. The process, (which by the way will never end), of finding out just what I am made of. Building myself on a foundation of honesty and purity where I no longer have to be ashamed of whom I am. Where I no longer needed to cry myself asleep at night thinking that I had a demon trapped inside of me. And man did it ever feel good! Weeks passed, then months and the old, sad and confused Jamie started to disappear from sight. A new, more confident man emerged. Someone who could look in the mirror and be proud of the reflection.
At first, the outrageous thoughts of the JW religion did haunt my every thought and dream for the first few weeks. It took a lot of tears and self-help books to force those voices in my head to disappear. But they eventually did. Then, to my surprise, I became very conscience of the need to re-build myself. A self that I could be proud to be. I’m not going to lie, there were a few casual one-night stands that felt so right at the time but ended up leaving me feeling more empty than whole. I thought these ‘flings’ were necessary to finding myself. And because I felt so trapped for so long, it was like releasing a starving lion that hadn’t eaten for weeks out on a bunch of helpless sheep, dying for the taste of their skin. When I was with a man in that way, it felt like I was complete. But then after the number of different men got close to the double digits after only being ‘out’ for a few months, I re-evaluated the need to be promiscuous and began focusing more attention on finding out who I was rather than getting laid.
And that’s when it began. The process, (which by the way will never end), of finding out just what I am made of. Building myself on a foundation of honesty and purity where I no longer have to be ashamed of whom I am. Where I no longer needed to cry myself asleep at night thinking that I had a demon trapped inside of me. And man did it ever feel good! Weeks passed, then months and the old, sad and confused Jamie started to disappear from sight. A new, more confident man emerged. Someone who could look in the mirror and be proud of the reflection.
Then sadly, something happened that wasn’t on the
agenda.
I was diagnosed with a rear NTM (non-tuberculin mycobacteria) that would leave me almost dead in the hospital. I remember lying in the bed praying and telling God that he won. He now had his revenge on me for being a gay man. I surrendered. I was done.
And then came Perry. I am not going to get into how he brought me back from the dead because that was already in another one of my blogs (see, “Can you imagine that kind of love?”) But let’s just say that God sent me a big FAT message and response to my surrendering prayer that no, he was not done with me, and that this was not a direct result of my being a gay man.
And now he we are…..over a year later. Life honest to God could NOT get any better, this I know for sure. My health condition is still fragile, yes. But I’m doing more living these days then dying. I’m focusing more on the being present and happy in the moment rather than planning my funeral. My lungs have risen to a point where doctor’s never expected them to reach again. FEV1 measures basically the amount of your lungs that are still operational. When I was sick last year, they went down to a record low for me, of 31%. The doctor’s told me early on that I wouldn’t likely see above 40% ever again. Just this past week, they were tested and my lungs have risen to a staggering 46%!!! A percentage to doctor’s feel is nothing short of a miracle. I am reminded every day that my condition is fragile and that any day my NTM could decide to act up and cause me problems once again as there is no cure. People ask me all the time, “Well, aren’t you scared?” and to be honest, I am not. Why be in fear of the unknown? Why do we place so many burdens on ourselves with “what if’s” and worry about things that may never come true. It’s a proven statistic that human beings spend 95% of their time worrying about things that will NEVER happen.
So what am I getting at? What was the point I wanted to get across in this blog?
Don’t make a plan.
I’ve learned the hard way of the importance of just living for today, and not worrying about what will happen tomorrow. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, and guess what? There’s not a damn thing we can do about it anyways. No one can stop time, so there will always be stresses and anxieties of tomorrow, but why worry?!
Honestly, if someone had to have told me that I would leave my ex-wife, fall in love with a man who loves me for who I am, takes the good-bad and the ugly. That I would be getting married, and have a home and we both would have started our own businesses I would have laughed in your face, because it wasn’t in MY plan. It may not have been in mine but it was in God’s.
When we set plans for ourselves, we also get upset when the outcome that we had fixated in our mind, is not what actually happens. So would it not make sense then to just live for today and not focus so much on making sure that every day happens and ends with a certain outcome? My God, I’m exhausted just thinking about it!
My new plan is to just be happy! I’m enjoying life more now than I ever did. I may be sicker than I ever was, but somehow I’m ok with that. Being happy is a choice that I make every day. I have to. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. And I hope that maybe somehow, if you are reading this, you will stop and think about your own life. And maybe analyze what you think you want to happen in your life and maybe decide to just hold on for the ride and not worry so much about having everything happen so perfectly in our little plan.
Life is beautiful…..just the way it is.
I was diagnosed with a rear NTM (non-tuberculin mycobacteria) that would leave me almost dead in the hospital. I remember lying in the bed praying and telling God that he won. He now had his revenge on me for being a gay man. I surrendered. I was done.
And then came Perry. I am not going to get into how he brought me back from the dead because that was already in another one of my blogs (see, “Can you imagine that kind of love?”) But let’s just say that God sent me a big FAT message and response to my surrendering prayer that no, he was not done with me, and that this was not a direct result of my being a gay man.
And now he we are…..over a year later. Life honest to God could NOT get any better, this I know for sure. My health condition is still fragile, yes. But I’m doing more living these days then dying. I’m focusing more on the being present and happy in the moment rather than planning my funeral. My lungs have risen to a point where doctor’s never expected them to reach again. FEV1 measures basically the amount of your lungs that are still operational. When I was sick last year, they went down to a record low for me, of 31%. The doctor’s told me early on that I wouldn’t likely see above 40% ever again. Just this past week, they were tested and my lungs have risen to a staggering 46%!!! A percentage to doctor’s feel is nothing short of a miracle. I am reminded every day that my condition is fragile and that any day my NTM could decide to act up and cause me problems once again as there is no cure. People ask me all the time, “Well, aren’t you scared?” and to be honest, I am not. Why be in fear of the unknown? Why do we place so many burdens on ourselves with “what if’s” and worry about things that may never come true. It’s a proven statistic that human beings spend 95% of their time worrying about things that will NEVER happen.
So what am I getting at? What was the point I wanted to get across in this blog?
Don’t make a plan.
I’ve learned the hard way of the importance of just living for today, and not worrying about what will happen tomorrow. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, and guess what? There’s not a damn thing we can do about it anyways. No one can stop time, so there will always be stresses and anxieties of tomorrow, but why worry?!
Honestly, if someone had to have told me that I would leave my ex-wife, fall in love with a man who loves me for who I am, takes the good-bad and the ugly. That I would be getting married, and have a home and we both would have started our own businesses I would have laughed in your face, because it wasn’t in MY plan. It may not have been in mine but it was in God’s.
When we set plans for ourselves, we also get upset when the outcome that we had fixated in our mind, is not what actually happens. So would it not make sense then to just live for today and not focus so much on making sure that every day happens and ends with a certain outcome? My God, I’m exhausted just thinking about it!
My new plan is to just be happy! I’m enjoying life more now than I ever did. I may be sicker than I ever was, but somehow I’m ok with that. Being happy is a choice that I make every day. I have to. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. And I hope that maybe somehow, if you are reading this, you will stop and think about your own life. And maybe analyze what you think you want to happen in your life and maybe decide to just hold on for the ride and not worry so much about having everything happen so perfectly in our little plan.
Life is beautiful…..just the way it is.
“With the past, I have
nothing to do; nor with
the future. I live now.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Peace and Love,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
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