Dear Perry,
At frequent times over the years dealing with my CF, I have been asked by doctors to get certain tests done. At times, the results have been inconclusive. Sometimes they would be a false positive, meaning that science has its limits, and that a proper conclusion could not be made. Love does not have limits.
For the longest time in my life I would often ask myself if I would ever get a taste of real happiness. I thought that since I had to live with such a horrible disease, then something good has to eventually happen to me. And finally, it has! Growing up, I longed for proper, full hearted love. I believed in love stories and I am a sucker for romance. But when I married a woman, I always felt like something was missing. What was missing was the authenticity of what it truly means to love someone. Sure my wife and I loved each other, but at the end I discovered I was never really “in love” with her, because if I had been honest from the beginning, we maybe would have been friends, and not lovers. I was unable to give her what she truly needed from a husband, and I was unable to give her what she truly needed from a man, and what she so much deserved. But I gave up. I just kept telling myself I would have to settle for a life of unhappiness and that I was doing the right thing in the eyes of God. Inside, I was dying.
To be honest, the biggest fear I had when deciding to leave my wife, is if I would ever find love again. True love. One of the most amazing things about her was that she had a huge heart. She took on a ‘sick’ person and vowed, in sickness and in health, to be there, always. I was afraid of being alone, dying alone. I knew I wouldn’t survive forever, and I longed to have a genuine relationship with someone I could respect and could offer me what I truly needed and wanted. So, I started my journey to find love again literally right away. It wasn’t healthy, but it was what I thought I needed. Plus, where I felt I waisted so much time not being myself, I was in a hurry to pursue a life of honesty, with myself and with others. I got hurt, a lot. But in ‘testing the waters’ I got to learn what I was willing and not willing to tolerate in a meaningful relationship. But I become obsessed with finding love. It consumed my days, because in my heart I knew my health was failing and I did not want my last days to be spent alone. I got sick emotionally, and after my last break-up, I had to call it quits for a while.
My very dear friend Heather advised me that it was now time to take time for me to grow, and to learn what my soul had planned for me in this life. So, that’s exactly what I did. I read a lot of self help books. A lot of spiritual growth books and I even read some random books that I learned a lot from. Love is not something that consumed my days anymore. I learned that if it was going to happen, it was going to happen regardless of how much energy and time focusing on it.
Then we started talking on POF (Plenty of Fish). I was in the hospital at the time, and you decided that you were coming to meet me. I was petrified. I was a mess and not myself at all. But you did not care. You walked in my room on 4 South A, room 123 with a big smile on your face. We very quickly clicked, as I realized after talking to my physio therapist who entered the room for a brief period of time during your visit. Later that day she asked who my ‘great friends’ were. She was surprised when I told her that we had just met! She thought we had known each other for years. I knew then that there was something special about you. Then, you did something I did not expect. You came the following weekend and spent the night in that tiny hospital bed and cuddled me until I fell asleep in your arms. And you were there every weekend after that until I was discharged.
It’s been a very busy, and at times stressful 3 months, but here we are! Together! The IV poles and the needles didn’t scare you away. Me looking like I was a skeleton because of how sick I was didn’t scare you away. The fact that you knew I was only going to get more and more ill did not scare you away, and as hard as I tried to push you away because I truly felt that you deserved better, you have stayed by my side and have assured me you are not going anywhere.
I have had and still have a lot of blessings in my life, Perry. But you may just be my miracle. You laugh every time I call you angel, but I truly believe that you have been sent to me from some distant source that knows you are what I need. You haven’t just given me an answer to my prayers, but you have also given me a new reason to live. It was hard leaving Alicia, because I wasn’t sure I deserved love anymore and to stop my search for that amazing feeling of loving and being loved. I thought maybe the heart breaks were God’s way of teaching me a lesson. But your love quickly reassured me that, that was not the case.
I
remember when they first started talking to me about transplant, I was having a
hard time picturing my life after the operation. I’m not sure if it was because
I was so depressed that I didn’t think I could survive the surgery. But now
that I have you in my life, I see myself being a survivor. I see myself
pursuing both my passions to sing and to start a business in interior design. I
see us both having rewarding careers. I see us both traveling and truly having
a beautiful life where love is the core of our survival. I love that my family
loves you and you fit in so well with us. I love you because of who you are as
a human being. A beautiful illustration of how we are suppose to act as God’s
children. You are one of my hero’s, Perry! And I can promise you that I will do
whatever I have to, to show you that this is a once in a lifetime love. I’m in
this for the long run and I see every time I look into your big beautiful blue
eyes that you are too!At frequent times over the years dealing with my CF, I have been asked by doctors to get certain tests done. At times, the results have been inconclusive. Sometimes they would be a false positive, meaning that science has its limits, and that a proper conclusion could not be made. Love does not have limits.
For the longest time in my life I would often ask myself if I would ever get a taste of real happiness. I thought that since I had to live with such a horrible disease, then something good has to eventually happen to me. And finally, it has! Growing up, I longed for proper, full hearted love. I believed in love stories and I am a sucker for romance. But when I married a woman, I always felt like something was missing. What was missing was the authenticity of what it truly means to love someone. Sure my wife and I loved each other, but at the end I discovered I was never really “in love” with her, because if I had been honest from the beginning, we maybe would have been friends, and not lovers. I was unable to give her what she truly needed from a husband, and I was unable to give her what she truly needed from a man, and what she so much deserved. But I gave up. I just kept telling myself I would have to settle for a life of unhappiness and that I was doing the right thing in the eyes of God. Inside, I was dying.
To be honest, the biggest fear I had when deciding to leave my wife, is if I would ever find love again. True love. One of the most amazing things about her was that she had a huge heart. She took on a ‘sick’ person and vowed, in sickness and in health, to be there, always. I was afraid of being alone, dying alone. I knew I wouldn’t survive forever, and I longed to have a genuine relationship with someone I could respect and could offer me what I truly needed and wanted. So, I started my journey to find love again literally right away. It wasn’t healthy, but it was what I thought I needed. Plus, where I felt I waisted so much time not being myself, I was in a hurry to pursue a life of honesty, with myself and with others. I got hurt, a lot. But in ‘testing the waters’ I got to learn what I was willing and not willing to tolerate in a meaningful relationship. But I become obsessed with finding love. It consumed my days, because in my heart I knew my health was failing and I did not want my last days to be spent alone. I got sick emotionally, and after my last break-up, I had to call it quits for a while.
My very dear friend Heather advised me that it was now time to take time for me to grow, and to learn what my soul had planned for me in this life. So, that’s exactly what I did. I read a lot of self help books. A lot of spiritual growth books and I even read some random books that I learned a lot from. Love is not something that consumed my days anymore. I learned that if it was going to happen, it was going to happen regardless of how much energy and time focusing on it.
Then we started talking on POF (Plenty of Fish). I was in the hospital at the time, and you decided that you were coming to meet me. I was petrified. I was a mess and not myself at all. But you did not care. You walked in my room on 4 South A, room 123 with a big smile on your face. We very quickly clicked, as I realized after talking to my physio therapist who entered the room for a brief period of time during your visit. Later that day she asked who my ‘great friends’ were. She was surprised when I told her that we had just met! She thought we had known each other for years. I knew then that there was something special about you. Then, you did something I did not expect. You came the following weekend and spent the night in that tiny hospital bed and cuddled me until I fell asleep in your arms. And you were there every weekend after that until I was discharged.
It’s been a very busy, and at times stressful 3 months, but here we are! Together! The IV poles and the needles didn’t scare you away. Me looking like I was a skeleton because of how sick I was didn’t scare you away. The fact that you knew I was only going to get more and more ill did not scare you away, and as hard as I tried to push you away because I truly felt that you deserved better, you have stayed by my side and have assured me you are not going anywhere.
I have had and still have a lot of blessings in my life, Perry. But you may just be my miracle. You laugh every time I call you angel, but I truly believe that you have been sent to me from some distant source that knows you are what I need. You haven’t just given me an answer to my prayers, but you have also given me a new reason to live. It was hard leaving Alicia, because I wasn’t sure I deserved love anymore and to stop my search for that amazing feeling of loving and being loved. I thought maybe the heart breaks were God’s way of teaching me a lesson. But your love quickly reassured me that, that was not the case.
Our love and what we have for each other is not a false positive. It is very much real and I cherish every moment we have together. You remind me every day that I am a beautiful person just the way I am, and that true love does indeed exist.
I Love You.
Always and forever.
“The greatest reward is to love and be loved in return”
~Celine Dion
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00&ob=av3e
xo
Jamie
