Mr. Know it
all
One of the biggest things I hate about myself, if not the biggest is that sometimes I use my illness as an excuse for how I treat others. Just a warning, this blog will contain a lot of honesty.
My big sister and nephew, Damon just left to go back to Winnipeg. While they were here we got into a couple heated arguments that got everyone involved and led to many of us saying things we didn’t mean. How it started was my cousin Amanda made arrangements for us all to visit her home for supper. The plan was in motion several days before our expected dinner date. The day came and on the way home from picking my mother home from work, she informed us that she was not in the mood to go for supper. She was in an accident about 10 years ago and has never fully recovered, and was having some discomfort. When she said she wasn’t going to join us, I got very annoyed and became very cranky. Even though I didn’t make an outward show that I was upset, everyone around me could tell my mood had changed. I was disappointed because right now, since I have discovered that my lungs are getting worse, family time is the most important thing I cherish. It’s what gets me threw. That’s why I was disappointed in my mother because I selfishly wanted her there. I didn’t give any thought to her needs or how she was feeling, I just knew that I was sick and wanted her there.
Well, the argument got that heated that my big sister and I said things to each other we have never before. We both agreed after that it was one of if not the biggest argument we had ever had. I stormed off down in my room and was very emotional. My boyfriend came downstairs, and God love him, he was able to talk some sense into me. And because my big sister is my best friend, I knew in my heart that this had to be resolved right away. So, I gathered my thoughts and composed myself and headed upstairs to make amends. Thankfully she was receptive. I apologized to her and admitted to my constant need to control things and have things go MY way because I’M sick.
All of that mess could have been avoided if I wasn’t so selfish and had some compassion, compassion that I always demand of others but for some reason have a hard time showing myself. In actual reality, it really didn’t affect me at all that mom didn’t want to go. I could have gone and had a great time, and just because she wasn’t there, I still could have made it a pleasant evening.
When you have CF, you have little control over anything. Literally overnight your health can change. One day your fine, the next you’re in the hospital receiving strong antibiotics to fight of an infection that decided to stop by for a visit. And then there is no way to control how much that infection will affect your lung function, which means you get closer to lung transplant every time we get sick. We have no control over how the weather affects us from day to day. No control over when our pancreas will stop working entirely and we may end up with diabetes. No control, really, over anything. So because we have little or no control in this major area of our lives, I feel like for me, I try and control all other areas. It’s not something I try to do, it’s just become a part of my personality.
Don’t argue with me, because I’m always right! I get in these ruts where I throw pity parties and that expect everyone to agree with me, even when I’m wrong. “Well, I’m the sick person, you should all try and make my life easy for me right now”, I’ll reason. But that’s not really healthy, or realistic. Just because I am sick does not give me the excuse to disrespect or argue with people. My sister reminded me when she was home a very important fact that I seem to be forgetting a lot lately. She said, “My dear brother, you have CF. CF does not have you! You are more than Cystic Fibrosis!” And she’s so right! When I get my new lungs, what will my excuse be then? I won’t be sick anymore and I will no longer feel defined by an illness that I have.
So, it’s something I have to work on. Because I wouldn’t want to be around someone who always wants things to go their way because of some disease they have. I would expect them to rise above that and I should expect the same of myself. It’s just very hard sometimes when you have so much in your head, so much on your mind, to remember all these little things. I’m happy to report though, that we did go to the dinner date with my Cousin and we had a great time and actually turned out to be a beautiful evening. I’m glad I sucked up my stubbornness and apologized, and it actually just continues to make my relationship with my sister stronger.
I really have to give props to a lot of people in my life, because I can be a hard little bitch to deal with sometimes. I’m not always the greatest person to have around. And as much as I sound like an angel in my blogs, I do still have many flaws. But in order to fix a problem in ourselves we first have to identify it. And I am learning everyday so much about myself and I’m inviting myself to grow. It’s hard at times to admit that you have a problem, but humility is powerful and can help in growth.
So, I’m not always right, and I don’t have all the answers as much as I would like to believe at times. But I am a person who is going through a lot and I am growing and changing and becoming a better person everyday!
“Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility.”
~ Saint Augustine
One of the biggest things I hate about myself, if not the biggest is that sometimes I use my illness as an excuse for how I treat others. Just a warning, this blog will contain a lot of honesty.
My big sister and nephew, Damon just left to go back to Winnipeg. While they were here we got into a couple heated arguments that got everyone involved and led to many of us saying things we didn’t mean. How it started was my cousin Amanda made arrangements for us all to visit her home for supper. The plan was in motion several days before our expected dinner date. The day came and on the way home from picking my mother home from work, she informed us that she was not in the mood to go for supper. She was in an accident about 10 years ago and has never fully recovered, and was having some discomfort. When she said she wasn’t going to join us, I got very annoyed and became very cranky. Even though I didn’t make an outward show that I was upset, everyone around me could tell my mood had changed. I was disappointed because right now, since I have discovered that my lungs are getting worse, family time is the most important thing I cherish. It’s what gets me threw. That’s why I was disappointed in my mother because I selfishly wanted her there. I didn’t give any thought to her needs or how she was feeling, I just knew that I was sick and wanted her there.
Well, the argument got that heated that my big sister and I said things to each other we have never before. We both agreed after that it was one of if not the biggest argument we had ever had. I stormed off down in my room and was very emotional. My boyfriend came downstairs, and God love him, he was able to talk some sense into me. And because my big sister is my best friend, I knew in my heart that this had to be resolved right away. So, I gathered my thoughts and composed myself and headed upstairs to make amends. Thankfully she was receptive. I apologized to her and admitted to my constant need to control things and have things go MY way because I’M sick.
All of that mess could have been avoided if I wasn’t so selfish and had some compassion, compassion that I always demand of others but for some reason have a hard time showing myself. In actual reality, it really didn’t affect me at all that mom didn’t want to go. I could have gone and had a great time, and just because she wasn’t there, I still could have made it a pleasant evening.
When you have CF, you have little control over anything. Literally overnight your health can change. One day your fine, the next you’re in the hospital receiving strong antibiotics to fight of an infection that decided to stop by for a visit. And then there is no way to control how much that infection will affect your lung function, which means you get closer to lung transplant every time we get sick. We have no control over how the weather affects us from day to day. No control over when our pancreas will stop working entirely and we may end up with diabetes. No control, really, over anything. So because we have little or no control in this major area of our lives, I feel like for me, I try and control all other areas. It’s not something I try to do, it’s just become a part of my personality.
Don’t argue with me, because I’m always right! I get in these ruts where I throw pity parties and that expect everyone to agree with me, even when I’m wrong. “Well, I’m the sick person, you should all try and make my life easy for me right now”, I’ll reason. But that’s not really healthy, or realistic. Just because I am sick does not give me the excuse to disrespect or argue with people. My sister reminded me when she was home a very important fact that I seem to be forgetting a lot lately. She said, “My dear brother, you have CF. CF does not have you! You are more than Cystic Fibrosis!” And she’s so right! When I get my new lungs, what will my excuse be then? I won’t be sick anymore and I will no longer feel defined by an illness that I have.
So, it’s something I have to work on. Because I wouldn’t want to be around someone who always wants things to go their way because of some disease they have. I would expect them to rise above that and I should expect the same of myself. It’s just very hard sometimes when you have so much in your head, so much on your mind, to remember all these little things. I’m happy to report though, that we did go to the dinner date with my Cousin and we had a great time and actually turned out to be a beautiful evening. I’m glad I sucked up my stubbornness and apologized, and it actually just continues to make my relationship with my sister stronger.
I really have to give props to a lot of people in my life, because I can be a hard little bitch to deal with sometimes. I’m not always the greatest person to have around. And as much as I sound like an angel in my blogs, I do still have many flaws. But in order to fix a problem in ourselves we first have to identify it. And I am learning everyday so much about myself and I’m inviting myself to grow. It’s hard at times to admit that you have a problem, but humility is powerful and can help in growth.
So, I’m not always right, and I don’t have all the answers as much as I would like to believe at times. But I am a person who is going through a lot and I am growing and changing and becoming a better person everyday!
“Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility.”
~ Saint Augustine
Peace,
Love and Humility,
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
Jamie Leigh Francis
xo
